The Things that Change Us
by Kazamigorical
Summary: Set after Swan Song. This is my second story set after the finale, but this is a take on the changes that happen to Sam and Dean and their relationship as a result of what they have been through. Messed up Sam. Confused Dean.
1. Chapter 1

_**This is my second 'After Swan Song' story but I was annoying myself by writing Dean and Sam how I had always known them. After what they had been through, of course there were going to be some changes in them. **__**So I challenged myself to embrace that and write it. **_

_**Let's see how I go. Wish me luck! I love these boys exactly how they are/were. **_

_**Thanks for reading! **_

**Chapter 1**

_**Sam**_

I should just walk up the path and knock on the door. He is my brother and he would want to know I am okay and…out of there. But how could I? Watching him through the window sitting around a table with his new family tucking into a home cooked meal and even smiling every now and then just held me back. I needed him. I did, but that was me being selfish and if there was one thing Dean didn't need, it was his kid brother being selfish once again. So I stood there like an idiot confused and even a little disorientated.

Being back on terra firma felt strange. It shouldn't have but it did and I wondered if Dean had felt the same way back when he returned from…the place. I never noticed, never even thought to ask him – until now.

I looked at him again. He was talking to Lisa and then to Ben. Maybe they would be listening to him more than I ever had. Maybe they were the ones that were making him smile. They were, let's face it. They were. And I wondered when the last time it was that I had made him smile.

When we were kids, it used to be all the time. I would catch him giving me that proud smile of his if I won a contest or hit the top two per cent in my class. It was like I was the smartest person in the world. Even if it was just shooting a gun and hitting the bullseye, if I did it right, I would get that smile and I would smile back.

But something along the way changed in me more than him I think. Looking back it was me that lost my sense of fun, or my belief that my brother could be happy around me. Stuff was going down all around us all of the time, I knew that. There wasn't much reason to smile but for a long time there, Dean had kept on trying. Making his stupid, dumbass jokes that _used_ to make me laugh, or using his priceless sarcasm to tell the enemy exactly where to go…I used to be so in awe of how he could do that, but then as time went on and things got more intense, I felt my own eyes roll and heard my own irritated sighs.

I wish I hadn't been like that to him.

He didn't deserve it. He never deserved it.

He also never deserved what he had been through, the life he had to live, the responsibility he had to take on and the burden he had to carry. I regretted so much. I wanted so bad to fix it. I wanted to be the one to make him smile again…but that would mean interfering with the one thing that was already doing that; his new family.

Sure, it wasn't fair on him to not know I was back and alive, but it wasn't fair on him to be stripped of the one thing that could make him genuinely happy as well.

I had to walk away, for his benefit.

_**Dean**_

I was hoping Lisa and Ben were buying my smiles. Truth was, they were great people, really great people and I had tried to be a great person back to them but it wasn't working. I mean I was going through all the motions and doing all the right things like getting a job, taking the kid to games, going on date nights with Lisa and taking care of the house, but it wasn't real, none of it was real. The only thing that was real was that my brother was dead or burning or being tortured or something such as horrific, and if anyone - anyone could think I could carry on happily knowing that, they were completely delusional and needed help.

Speaking of help, Sam needed help, yet here I was eating a roast and telling Ben stupid jokes that weren't even funny. He was laughing and I was smiling but it was all just stupid crap. Nothing was funny anymore, nothing meant anything anymore and all I wanted to do was stand up and walk out of there.

Sammy had tried; I had to give him that. His heart had been in the right place wanting normal for me – and it was something I thought I had wanted too when things were at what I thought was the toughest. I almost kicked myself for talking to him about it, laying that on him. He shouldn't have known that was how I was feeling…he had obviously felt like I would rather be living the life of a family man rather than living my life with him.

That was not the case. If I had my choice, I would gladly check into a shady motel with a bottle of whiskey, no cash and my brother. In fact I craved it. I needed it. Yet still I sat here and all I did, all I could do was wish for it. Nothing more but wish for it. And why? Because Sammy had made me promise. It was a nice promise, yet a crazy promise…but it was a dying promise… my last promise.

I felt my eyes begin to water as I smiled once again. God, I used to think things were bad when we were trying to save the world. How I did not get it. At least I had my brother by my side. At least he was alive and safe and with me. Now. Now he was…

'You okay?' Lisa asked me as she placed yet another supportive hand on my shoulder. She was one amazing girl and I felt really bad that she had taken on a grieving man that wouldn't do her the favor of leaving.

When I looked up at her I felt just how much my eyes were watering. I rushed to look back down and picked up my glass of cold beer.

Ben waited for me to reply. So I smiled because I couldn't talk and nodded when I took a sip. That was all I could manage but it was all they were used to anyway so they didn't press me and I didn't give them any more. They knew not to bring up my brother. I had never told them not to, but they knew and I was grateful for that.

I closed my eyes when another image burnt into my brain. Sam was suffering and I was eating. Sam was suffering and I was drinking. Sam was suffering and I was smiling.

Sam was suffering and so was I.

_**Sam**_

I turned to walk away, doing a last head check as I did. I silently told him another goodbye even though I knew I would be back there the very next night. I felt like a stalker, this was ridiculous. Here I was stalking my own brother because I couldn't do anything else. I don't know if I was hoping to see a chink in his armor or what. I mean Dean had a knack of covering up what he was really feeling and maybe I was just waiting to see if there were any cracks I could find that I could dive into.

But that was what I was hoping for myself rather than for him and in a way I had hoped it was wishful thinking on my part. If he was happy then I would be too, but I had to admit it, I was more than a little lost without him. I used to be stronger than this I knew it. I was always walking around thinking I could take on anything and handle it myself. Truth was, now, I didn't know what I was doing and I didn't know where to start. All I knew was that I wanted my brother with me because I hadn't had him for what seemed like forever and I would bet my life on it that he would know what to do…

And this time, I would be ready to listen and really hear him. I would do anything he said.

So I checked back into the other creepy motel in town and sat on the old squeaky bed in the dark. I felt more comfortable in the dark nowadays. That was such a flip; when I was a kid, the dark was the one thing I was most afraid of.

'You haven't made contact.' Castiel said as he appeared in front of me. I didn't look up at him, there was no point, he was stating the obvious and I knew what was coming, because it came every damn night since I had been back. 'You really need to make contact Sam.'

I didn't ask why anymore because I already knew. They wanted us to keep on doing their dirty work, it was that simple. Heaven and …that place had gotten themselves all screwed up and now, more than ever those scary, heartless sons of bitches were traipsing around the land. Well, sure, that sucked big ones, but really, as if I was going to pull Dean back into that God forsaken world without thinking it through, and I sure as –

I sure wasn't going to do it alone.

'He would want to know you are back.'

Was this a pep talk? Because I wasn't buying it and I didn't know how he could think saying the same things every single day would bring a different result.

'Twelve people have been killed since you have been back.'

That was unfortunate, it was, but my question – every single night – was why Cas and angels like him didn't save those people. The answer was always the same. He still couldn't pin down any angels and even though he was out saving who he could, he had bigger fish to fry – he was trying to restore heaven.

Whatever.

This night though, after a few minutes of silence he said something different, something I had never heard him say before. 'Sam, if you don't tell him, I will.'

My head snapped up. 'Don't you friggin dare.'

'It has been two weeks.'

'Is that a long time is it?'

'It's too long in the job you are in.'

'Were in. Go find some other hunters.'

'There's no one like you and Dean. You and Dean know more than anyone else.'

'Lucky us.'

'So it has to be you.'

I wanted to tell him never to say that to me but it was too late, he already had, and I was out of energy. All I wanted to do was go to bed so I could not sleep. Just lie down and wonder what the hell I was going to do with this second – or was it third – or fourth chance I had been given because I really did not know.

_**Dean**_

It was three-thirty in the morning when I pulled out my phone from my jean's pocket and sat down on the front stairs with my bottle. I felt sorry for Bobby, especially when I would call him at these ungodly hours on unpredictable nights, but he always answered and never told me to stop, so I always kept on calling him.

'Hey.' I greeted as he answered and I took another swig.

'Struggling?' He asked me as I heard him sit up.

'What else is new?'

'Why don't you come and stay with me for a couple of days? Get some different scenery?'

'Because that scenery isn't different. It will just make it worse.' I already knew that because I had already considered it. Just the thought of stepping into that house brought more tears to my eyes. It was the closest thing Sam and I had had to a home and we had been through so much there, especially Sammy.

'Okay, so why don't I come out to you?'

'You can do that. Anytime. You know that.'

'I think I should. Where's the closest motel?'

'You can stay here, with us.'

'You know as well as I do how much of a bad idea that is. Where's the closest motel?'

'When are you coming?'

'First thing.'

'I'll call them in the morning and book you in. There are two. One on the main road and one just around the corner. I'll call you when I check their vacancies and have the details.'

'Okay. I guess I will see you tomorrow then.'

'Thanks Bobby.'

'You're welcome and son, as for tonight, try to get some sleep okay?'

'Okay.' I said knowing that was not a possibility. What was a possibility was this bottle getting emptied ..and now.

xxx

I skipped on work but I didn't tell Lisa. She didn't need to know and would only freak out thinking there was something even more worrying about me. All I wanted to do was see Bobby and spend the day with him, whether it be in his motel room or at the local bar – or showing him around town. Wherever and whatever. I had never needed him as much as I had then.

The Store Manager had seemed a little pissed that I wasn't turning up to work even though I knew I sounded damn convincing on the phone. For once I didn't need to fake it. I could use my real voice and sound as sick as I felt. He didn't seem to care how I was sounding though, he didn't care about anything except making money and I wondered how my life had come to this. From saving the world for everyone else to saving a dollar for someone else. No way could I ever be more unsatisfied.

Instead of calling the motels, I decided to go myself and check them out. It was hard, but also comforting for some reason. I didn't know why but I felt pulled towards them both. Maybe it was because they felt like some sort of usual for me or maybe because they felt like some sort of connection to Sam. I hadn't done many things like I used to do with him since...he had been gone, so stepping into reception areas of old and worn motels brought a little bit of normalcy back.

First motel I checked had vacancies. Good. I told them I may be back and drove over to the other one around the corner. That one had vacancies as well but only two. After doing a quick check I decided this one was probably worse than the first but nevertheless, for some reason I wasn't sure of, I booked him in, paying for three nights for one room with Lisa's real credit card.

After calling Bobby with the address and room number, I sat down on the overly soft bed and looked out the window. This felt like home more than the house I was living in and I found myself feeling guilty for even letting that thought enter my head. This place was old and crummy and crappy yet I felt more comfortable here than with the woman I thought was the one in a nice house with all the creature comforts. There was something definitely wrong with that and it wasn't fair on her.

So I knew, without a doubt, that I had to leave her and soon; as soon as I could muster the nerve to do it. As soon as I could take being alone; alone with only my thoughts to haunt me, all day, every day...

...okay so maybe it wasn't going to be so soon.

_(to be continued)_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_**Dean**_

'Looks like Lisa knows how to cook.' Bobby smiled after he pulled away from our hug and dropped his bag by what would be his bed for the next few nights. I had put on a few pounds but nothing crazy. I couldn't face eating while I was hitting the nine to five but once at home and once the darkness had set in, I would down anything Lisa put in front of me, and then some just to save another few minutes of thinking about something else.

'She looks after me.'

'That's good. You need it.'

No, what I needed was my brother back. 'How about you? How are you doing?'

Bobby shrugged and I noticed for the first time how much older he was looking. He had lost a son as much as I had lost a brother. Guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. I hadn't been there for him. I had been too consumed with my own misery that even though I knew he had been suffering I wasn't aware of just how much.

'I'm sorry.' I said to him.

'For what?'

'For not checking on you more.'

He gave me a classic Bobby expression. 'I don't need to be checked on. I'm old enough and ugly enough to look after myself.'

'But still…'

'Now you don't go worrying about me. That's not what I'm here for.'

No he was here for me and I loved him for it. 'Want to go into town? Get a drink?'

'Always.'

'Good, let's go.'

I always had to catch myself when I laid eyes on a pool table. My first instinct was to give the players the once over to see if I had any hope in hell of hustling them, then when I realized I didn't need to anymore, my guts would squirm and I would feel like tipping the whole damn table over, balls and all.

We took a seat by the window and placed our beers in front of us. I didn't know where to start and I didn't know what to say. Bobby knew it all, I had told him over and over what this hell I was living through felt like. There was nothing else to say. So we drank and looked at each other and made small talk about nothing important while he worried about me and I thought about my little brother.

'It's a nice town you're living in.' He said after he looked up and down the main street through the window.

Was it? I didn't really know. Nothing had really been _nice_ for a long time. 'Yeah.' I agreed though, just for the sake of agreeing. Bobby could see right through me and I didn't care. I just took another swig and wondered why I wasn't feeling all that much better even though my best living friend was sitting opposite me.

_**Sam**_

I hated that I had to eat, it really was an inconvenience - so was drinking and sleeping and having to go to the bathroom, but I was human and they were all things humans had to do…so I had to do them.

As soon as the clock ticked over to three o'clock in the afternoon I literally forced myself up from my indented position on the couch and made myself get dressed. It was cold out but I didn't bother with my jacket. Sometimes I wanted to feel the cold. The cold was refreshing and revitalizing and I hoped one day, it would be able to refresh and revitalize me.

I needed a haircut and new clothes and more money and less time to think about things, but none of those things were forthcoming and I couldn't be assed going out and getting them myself. So all I would do, every day was walk five minutes to the local store which was in between both the motels, grab a salad sandwich and a water and try to will myself to think further ahead and get some sort of dinner while I was there. But that was too much of an effort and all I really wanted to do was go back to my room and watch some sucky daytime TV and try to talk myself out of going back to Lisa and Dean's street that night.

It was the same thing every day.

I was fully aware that I was falling into a different kind of hole, a rut that I couldn't climb out of because I couldn't find any reason to. I wasn't one of those people who took life by the horns when given a second chance and appreciated every single detail of being alive. I probably could have been if I had my brother by my side but because I didn't and because I had no one, even though I was in a far better place than I had been mere weeks go, I hadn't yet been able to shake the feeling of being totally out of control and completely alone.

And by God was I alone. If Dean was here he would have told me how I spent my life wishing for just that, running away and chasing it. And he would have been right. My one true wish was to be out of the life I was living and be safe and free, but now that I was, I couldn't even remember how I could have ever desired this. This was crap, this was nothing. This was not a life, this was an existence. And even though I knew that, I took a seat on the couch once again and ate what I could of my tasteless, watery salad sandwich while the TV murmured in front of me.

'We should go out.' Cas materialized and told me.

'Can't you knock?' I asked him finally able to feel my heart beat again. The only other time I could feel it was when I stood and watched Dean from a distance.

He frowned at me. 'You know I can.'

'Then try it next time. See what happens.'

'You wouldn't let me in.'

'No kidding?'

'Sam,' he sighed. 'We should go out.'

'I'm not going anywhere.'

'We should go out and get a drink.'

I found the thought of a drink inviting. In fact, I really could've used a drink. 'Go get us some and bring it back here.'

'You need to get out of here.'

'I just was.'

'For longer than fifteen minutes. Let's go to a bar. I haven't been to one in so long and either have you.'

'Knock yourself out. Just bring me back some beer okay? Thanks.'

'You're being annoying.'

'So are you.'

He stepped over to me with two fingers pressed together aiming for my head. He was actually going to teleport me to a bar? Really? I had to wonder why. I stood up and reeled back on him. 'Is that where Dean is?'

He dropped his hand and stood still. Son of a bitch.

'No tricks Cas. Jesus!'

'You need to make contact!' He was getting flustered but now, so was I.

'If I do, it will be on my terms okay? Not yours.'

The little bitch started to step towards me again. 'You come any closer Cas and you'll regret it, I swear to you.' I was not playing around.

With that he disappeared, leaving me not really relieved but instead now feeling the compulsion to head on over to the freaking bar myself God damn it.

_**Dean**_

Once again I felt sorry for Bobby. Bobby was the one I didn't put any airs and graces on for. He was the one that got me how I really was and that had to truly suck for him because basically, I was a mess. Absolutely no entertainment at all and I wondered, as we got back into the impala, if he was already regretting coming all this way to visit such a sorry assed sad sack.

'That's where I work.' I nodded to the Walmart as we passed.

'Ever think of going back to study?' Was his concerned reply.

'Studying what? No I haven't.'

'Studying anything. Nothin' wrong with working in Walmart Dean but it's not really you is it?'

'It's not really most of the people who work there but they still do it and someone has to right?'

'Not someone like you.'

'I'm no better than anyone else.'

'I beg to differ.'

I rolled my eyes, I couldn't help it. This wasn't a self worth thing that my family –or my second father – would always hassle me about, this was life and in life you had to do what you had to do and you had to sometimes sacrifice your wants so you could get to your needs. Supporting a family took any chance of being what I wanted to be in my work life right away from me – just like most other family men I guessed. There was nothing wrong in it, it was just life.

Right?

Right.

'What about working in a garage and training to become qualified or something even? If money is the issue, you know I can give you some.'

'Money isn't the issue.' Money was an issue, but money wasn't _the_ issue. He knew what _the_ issue was. He was living _the_ issue just like I was.

'I know you are going to hate me for saying this and that is fine, but –'

'Then don't.' I frowned not ready to hear my one support being snapped off right in front of me, my one person who could still empathize and sympathize with me.

'I'm going to.' Bobby promised and then continued just because we were stuck in the car and I couldn't get the hell away from him, 'You have to move on Dean. Sam wouldn't want you-'

'Bobby, please.' Tears sprung up again and I bit back a huge sob. 'Please.'

Thankfully he stopped. Thank God he stopped. I slammed down my foot on the accelerator and hoped the speed we were doing would wipe away any such thoughts from springing out of his mouth again – because one thing was for sure, I couldn't take hearing them. I couldn't even take thinking them.

_**Sam**_

The roar of the Impala entering the driveway of the Motel made me jump. I didn't have to look out the window to know it was that car. For some stupid reason, I turned the TV off and stood up, nervous to see it. It wasn't as though I hadn't seen it being driven since I had been back, I had. Dean and Lisa would go out somewhere on a Thursday night and Ben and he would drive off in it on a Saturday or Sunday – it was just because it was driving right towards me.

Surely Cas didn't tell him. Surely.

It was when Dean turned left and pulled up, that I noticed for the first time the truck he parked next to. It was just to the side of my room and I couldn't believe I had walked right past it without even noticing; it was Bobby's truck. Bobby was here? Staying here?

'Did you plan this too?' I called to Cas quietly even though he wasn't even here.

'No.' He answered from nowhere in the room. My head darted around but stopped as soon as I laid eyes on Bobby. He and Dean were getting out of the Impala. As dramatic as it sounded, my heart broke all over again seeing him - and seeing him with my brother. I wanted them to just stand still for a minute or two just so I could soak up all the good times we had had together before they went inside and I was shut out once again - but they didn't and they were gone again so quickly that my tears didn't really have time to well.

'You could fix all this.' Cas said venturing out of my bathroom. 'You know that don't you?'

'Fix what? And what were you doing in there?'

'Stuff.'

I frowned but really, I didn't much care so I left it alone and asked again, 'Fix what?'

'Why Bobby is here.'

'Okay I'll play, why is he here?'

'Why do you think?'

I shrugged, 'I don't know. Poltergeist, werewolf, vampire? Visting Dean?'

'Visiting Dean why?'

'You tell me Cas. You seem to have all the answers.'

He looked at me as though I hurt his feelings. I never hurt his feelings so I don't know why he was putting that face on. Nevertheless I didn't feel the least bit of guilt so I just stared at him and waited.

'Because Dean is not coping.'

Okay now the guilt had made its appearance. 'Don't go putting that on me –'

'That…' he emphasized, ' is why Bobby is here. That is the truth. He is worried about your brother because your brother is not coping – and he is not coping because he still thinks you are trapped in hell.'

'He seems alright to me.' I said trying my hardest to shake this overwhelming feeling of shame and remorse. 'When he's with Lis-'

'He is pretending Sam. You know you're brother better than anyone. When he is with Lisa and Ben he is pretending.'

'Are you telling me the truth?' I questioned feeling as though my guts were going to explode.

'Of course.' He took a step towards me and I took a step back. He frowned honestly confused. 'What else did you expect?'

Truth was, now the words had been spoken to me, I didn't know what else I had expected. Even though it was only seconds ago that I knew, now, I honestly couldn't remember.

Cas didn't have to say anymore. I stepped over to the bedside table, sat down on my bed and picked up my phone.

While I took a deep breath in to try to calm myself and waited for the phone to connect, Cas smiled.

_(to be continued…)_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

_**Dean**_

I absently picked up my phone within a second of hearing it ring expecting to see Lisa's name lighting up on the screen. I almost didn't even check and very nearly answered with my usual 'Hey babe.' It was only because I was taking a sickie from work that I thought better of it. Knowing them they were probably calling to check up on me or wanting some sort of useless information on the useless boxes I unpacked the useless day before.

What flashed on my screen was something that caught me off guard though. It was definitely the last name I expected to see and it stopped me from breathing. All I could do was just stare at the screen and wonder if indeed I was going crazy.

'You going to get it?' Bobby asked me.

'It says it's…' I pulled myself together and blinked hard before looking at it again. Any second it was going to go to my voicemail but I was frozen, I couldn't move. 'Bobby, it says it's Sammy.'

'What?'

I looked up at him and held up the phone for him to see it.

'Answer it and put it on speaker. Quick.'

I did so and said a weak, 'Hello?' I could hardly breathe and wondered how I could have missed seeing Sam's phone left behind at Stull Cemetery on the worst day of my life. That was probably why. I had other things on my mind.

'Dean, Hi. It's me, it's Sam.' I dropped the phone as if it had just given my hand third degree burns and watched as it flipped and then landed face up on the table. Bobby looked at me as if he believed what he was hearing. I had to admit, it sounded exactly like my kid brother and because of that I felt like I was going to throw up. 'I know this is a shock, but it is me. I'm out. I got out.' The voice said.

I couldn't talk. All I could do was swallow and pray that this was the miracle I had been begging for but my mind wouldn't allow me to believe it, it wouldn't even process it.

'Sam?' Bobby questioned, his tears already forming.

'Heya Bobby.'

'How?' He kind of breathed.

'Michael and I got the cage unlocked.'

All I could do was close my eyes. It sounded so real. I took a seat to steady my legs because I knew if I didn't I would fall down right where I was standing.

'Dean?' Sam's voice penetrated through my head. 'You have to believe me. It's me.' God it sounded so much like him. 'Dean, say something.'

'Where are you?' I could only manage. This thing was probably a shape shifter and I was going to kill it for damn sure but before I did, I wanted to see it and pretend that my brother was standing in front of me one last time. I would travel the world to see that.

'Room number 22.'

'Room number 22 where?'

'Four doors down.'

Bobby and I stared at each other for a split second before we both shot out of the door and bolted four doors down to room number 22.

_**Sam**_

I hung up the phone and stood up. 'They are probably gonna try to kill me.' I said to Cas.

'Not when they see me here.'

'Tell me this was the right thing to do.' I said as I watched them through the window tearing across the car park towards my room.

'It's the right thing to do.' Cas answered before stepping over to the door. 'Let them see me first.'

I nodded and swallowed my nerves. Why I was so apprehensive to see my own family I had no idea but I was and I gladly let Castiel take the lead on this.

When he opened the door and Dean saw it was him, he stopped short, his face taking on a flushed hue. Bobby ran into the back of him and then saw for himself exactly who was greeting them. If it was any other situation it would have been a funny sight to see, but it wasn't and right then, the last thing I felt like doing was laughing.

My brother was running towards me and I wasn't running away. This was it; the one thing I wanted the most but the one thing I had been fighting the hardest. I hadn't had time to think it through and now that it was happening, it was spinning out of control because I already felt like I wasn't going to be able to keep up.

'Dean, Bobby.' Cas took on a detached demeanor probably to settle them both.

'What are you doing here? What's going on?' I saw Dean frown and try to look behind the angel for me – or whatever was pretending to be me.

'Your brother is inside. It's really him and I need you both to believe that before I let you in.'

'Get out of the damn way.' Dean demanded physically pushing him aside so he could get into the room. Before I could move, our eyes locked and once again he stopped dead in his tracks.

_**Dean**_

There he stood, right in front of me; my tall little brother, his dark hair falling into his eyes with an expression of scared desperation on his face.

It was Sammy, I was sure of it. Standing right in front of me was my Sammy alive and well.

Right in front of me.

'Sam.' I swallowed, my whole world flashing before my eyes.

He nodded and smiled and took an uneasy step towards me.

'Come here.' I said as I rushed over to him and held out my arms. He fell into my hug and I gripped onto him as tightly as he gripped onto me. Every time we hugged after reunions like this, we clutched onto each other in the fear that if we let go some other sons of bitches would take us from each other again and this was no exception. The only thing different about this hug was that we both started to sob like little cry-baby bitches, right in front of Bobby and Cas.

_**Sam**_

God, I loved him. He was everything to me. He was my whole world and having him so close gave my life meaning all over again. I had no intention of letting him go first but the more we held onto each other and the more we cried, the more I realized this was the first time he had seen me since…I jumped and I knew, If I didn't pull away he might not ever let me go.

So I did and smiled at him as we both wiped our eyes. Then I turned to Bobby who grabbed me roughly and pulled me into his chest. My tears began to flow again and when he patted me twice firmly on my back I stood up from him and noticed his eyes were as red as mine.

The four of us stood in silence for what seemed like an eternity before Dean asked me the dreaded question. 'When?'

'A couple of weeks ago.' The younger brother in me stiffened. This was not going to please him and as his eyes turned from confusion to realization I took another deep breath in.

'What? Weeks? Are you serious?'

'That's not important.' Cas tried.

'Why didn't you come straight to me?' Dean asked me not even hearing Cas.

'I did.' I tried.

'Well, you didn't.'

'No. I mean I did, I came to Lisa's. I just didn't come in. I mean, I wanted to but –'. I breathed out. 'I'm sorry.'

I don't know if I was supposed to see it or not but Bobby placed a hand on Dean's forearm to stop him from dwelling on that little detail and thankfully he did because I was still so bewildered I really wasn't up for any kind of argument.

He looked me up and down. 'Are you okay? Anything wrong?'

'No. Everything's fine.'

'Take off your t-shirt, let me see.'

I did so and let him check me over. I knew nothing was wrong with me - I was back to exactly the same way I was before Lucifer had taken me over- but Dean didn't so I let him step around me and examine the top half of my body.

'Everywhere else?'

'Fine.'

'Promise me?'

'Yes.'

He nodded and sat down. 'It's so good to see you man. So good.'

'You too.'

'So tell us, what happened? How'd you get out?'

I looked at Cas who nodded.

'What? He needs your permission to tell me does he?' Dean frowned at him.

'No.' Cas said simply.

I didn't know why I had checked with Cas but now I regretted it because Dean seemed suddenly on edge.

'Okay, great, so what happened?' he turned back to me and asked.

Bobby took a seat on my bed and Cas leant back against the window sill out of Dean's line of sight. I remained the only one standing.

'Cut a long story short, Michael held down Lucifer and let me out.'

'How?'

I shrugged, 'He had contacts.'

'In hell? Michael had contacts in hell?'

'Yes.'

'Who?' He turned his head back to Cas. 'Did you have anything to do with it?'

'I did. So did others but Sam helped. He was working hard along with Michael and fighting against Lucifer. It really came down to those two.'

I swallowed the huge lump in my throat and shut my eyes as tight as I could in an attempt to block out all the memories. Dean must have seen because his voice softened.

'Thank God you're out, hey buddy?'

'Yeah.' I tried to smile at him but it came out kind of pathetic.

'He was brought back up at the cemetery.' Cas said when no one continued. 'He hitched over here.'

'And you have been staying here ever since?' Dean asked me gently.

'And the other motel. I just got here last night.'

_**Dean**_

He hadn't been taking care of himself, that was obvious. His hair was overgrown and matted in parts. When I stepped over to the fridge it was empty and all the frickin cupboards were bare; there was no evidence of any food or dishes anywhere. The limpness in his shoulders and his stance as well as the dark circles around his eyes signified to me just how little he had been sleeping and the food and sweat stains on his t-shirt signified to me just how little he had been doing laundry. Speaking of laundry...I looked around. The only items of clothing I could see were the creased ones on him and a tossed shirt and jacket on the floor by his bed. That wasn't like Sam; none of this was like Sam.

'So what have you been doing for the past couple of weeks then?'

'What do you mean?' He asked me with that Sammy innocence that I used to see all the time when we were kids.

'Like, I have all your clothes still right? So you've been out shopping then?'

He looked down in shame. I looked up to the ceiling willing myself not to do the insane thing and flip out. I had to keep my cool.

'Sam?' I asked again.

'No.'

'So what do you wear then?'

'Dean.' Bobby moaned. I ignored him.

'Sammy, what have you been wearing?'

'Just this - what I've got on.' He was embarrassed as hell, so I didn't push. Instead I pulled my keys from my pocket and stood up. 'Okay, come on. You're favorite; clothes shopping time.'

The panic in his eyes took me back. I mean Sam wasn't ever a fan of clothes shopping and either was I, but never had I ever seen any kind of fear in him associated with just the thought of it. The kid had terror in his eyes. 'What's wrong?' I asked him.

'Nothing.' He stood up to appease me and gave Bobby the fakest smile I had ever witnessed from him. He was totally freaking out.

'Okay look,' I said throwing the keys to Bobby. 'How about Bobby goes out and gets you some stuff and you and me go and get a drink?'

Bobby was up for the idea, yet even though Sam said, 'Okay.' I knew he didn't really mean it. He was worrying me. He was trying not to but he was worrying me.

'You don't want to?' I asked him.

'Yeah, I want to.' He lied.

'How about we catch up in here instead?' I tested watching as he visibly relaxed.

'Okay.'

'Or we can go for a drive in the impala. I bet you've been missing her.'

'Okay.'

Right then I was willing to bet my life on it that if I suggested we jump off a bridge my brother would say _'Okay.' _

Hell had broken him. Pure and simple.

Hell had broken my brother.

_(to be continued...)_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_**Sam**_

I was so pissed with myself. Ever since I had been back – even since before I had been back – when I thought it was only a measly possibility I would get out of there – the one thing I planned if and when I reunited with Dean was to be all kinds of happy fun for him.

But no, I couldn't even do that. Instead I did what I always somehow managed to do and get him all worked up and worried about me. I wasn't stupid; I could see it in his eyes. I saw it as the lines in his forehead surfaced and the creases in his face deepened. I wondered if this had been the first time he had worn this expression since I had left him. Probably. It was probably only me that did this to him.

All he wanted to do was go to a mall for God's sake; to buy clothes for me. That was nice, he was being nice and I had thanked him by almost having a freaking panic attack. It wasn't that I didn't want to go; well actually it was. The thought of all those people either rushing past or stopping in front of me kinda made it harder to breathe. There were always so many people at the mall, at any mall, all the time.

The bar I could have probably dealt with – if it wasn't too busy – or loud – or smoky – or hot. No, probably not the bar either and Dean had seen that in me before I had time to even work out how to fake it. Uggh! I wanted to kick myself. This wasn't what I wanted. Not at all.

So now, here I was sitting in my room opposite my brother while Bobby and Cas had driven off in the impala to go and buy some new clothes and groceries and more toiletries for me. Like I was three years old…and I had let them. In fact, I had been happy and relieved about it.

What was wrong with me?

Having Dean looking at me asking himself the very same question made me feel sick.

'I got your stuff back at my – back at Lisa's place. I'll bring it all over.' He said to me when I was finally able to make eye contact with him.

'Thanks.' God, how could I pep myself up? This was crazy. This was all I had wanted and now that I had it, all I could feel was freaked. Okay I had to force myself. I had to say something. 'How is it going over there anyway? You look like you've settled in okay.'

Oh my God, did I seriously just say that?

All I could do was watch his face contort. 'Huh? How would you know that?'

'Umm…Like I said, I went over there but I didn't come in. I just saw you through the window.'

He nodded understanding but then asked; 'How many times?'

Again, this wasn't going how I wanted it to.

I shrugged. I could only shrug.

'Sam, how many times?'

I wasn't sure if he wanted to know so he could yell at me for spying on him and his family or so he could be even more worried about me. Either way, both ways sucked and I wished I could have lied to him to make the two of us feel better. One thing I knew for sure though was that I was never going to lie to him about something important again, that was a damn fact. Not ever.

'Nearly every night.' I admitted.

'Dude,' he sighed sadly, 'You really should have come in.'

_**Dean**_

I had to handle this with care. I needed so badly to know what had happened to him 'downstairs' but I knew not to ask that question just yet. The kid was obviously still so traumatized and even though I was the one person who could get it; above and beyond anyone else, his experience was probably a lot different to mine.

Especially seeing as though he was locked in a cage with the most evil son of a bitch of all time.

I couldn't assume anything and I didn't assume anything. I wouldn't do him the injustice of that. I just had to help him.

Whatever it took.

My usual reaction would have been to kick his ass if I learnt that he was standing out the front of the house alone while I was inside agonizing over him, but I couldn't blame him and deep down I knew he was doing it for me and not for himself. He wasn't to know he had it all wrong. He, being Sam, thought he was doing the right thing, he thought he was putting my happiness above his own.

At least there was something left of him intact. At least the devil hadn't ripped that from the inside of him out. And at least he was out of there and free. That was the main thing. He was out of that horrifying and malicious place and back with us. Safe.

The rest would come; I would make sure of that.

'So I'm gonna take another day off tomorrow and you and me are going to go for a drive. Just the two of us – or Bobby too if you want.' I told him.

'You don't have to do that.'

'I know. I want to. It's not every day you get your brother back.' …_from hell_. Steve at work would just have to understand and deal with that and if he didn't, tough. Bad luck for Steve.

'Where _do_ you work anyway?' He asked me.

'Walmart.' I smiled which caused him to smile too. As if that wasn't the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. So ridiculous we laughed and I tried not to think about how long it had been since we had both laughed together.

'What do you do there?'

'Unpack boxes and deal with customers can you believe it? God, we thought ghosts and monsters were bad…'

Okay so that was a dumbass thing to say. I expected his face to drop but instead he laughed again. Only this time it wasn't a real laugh, it was definitely a put on laugh. The kid was trying, I had to give him that but he should know by now that he couldn't fool me. I could see when he was faking it. Regardless though, I let it go and sat back in my seat.

The hideous clock on the wall caught my eye and I realized I would usually be pulling up in the driveway around this time. Lisa would be cooking dinner and Ben would be in his room doing his homework or watching TV. It was always the same thing – apart from date nights. Date nights were different. I would get home on a date night, shower quickly, get dressed up and drive Lisa and I to one of our favorite restaurants in town where I could pretend for a minute, maybe two that my past wasn't actually my reality. That I was just a normal everyday guy living a normal everyday life with his normal everyday girl.

Date night was tomorrow night. Date nights were one of our better nights. I would usually look forward to date nights.

Date night wasn't going to happen this week.

'You have to go home?' Sam asked.

'No.'

'Dean. It's five-thirty. You always get home at this time.'

'Not tonight.'

'Dean-'

'Not tonight Sammy.' As if I was going to leave him here alone on the first night I had gotten him back. There was no way. No frickin way.

'Then at least call her.'

My phone was still in Bobby's room. In my mad rush over here I had left it sitting on the table. I could call her. I should call her. 'I'll be five minutes okay?'

'Yeah. Take your time.' He smiled at me.

_**Sam**_

When he stepped out of the room, I felt even more alone than I had the night before. That was just selfish and pathetic. Dean was going to make a call to his girlfriend so he could stay here with me and here I was feeling jealous and abandoned. What the freaking hell? I stood up to shake out that ludicrous feeling and paced around the room.

I stopped at the mirror that hung crooked on the murky wall and for the first time really took in my reflection. Wow. No wonder Dean and Bobby and even Cas were so eager to get me some supplies. I honestly looked like a big lump of crap.

I was so in need of a haircut, but then again that would mean someone touching my head and standing over me and next to me and all around me. Maybe Bobby could do it. I could handle Bobby doing it.

God, talk about being desperate for a shave as well. It hadn't felt all that long ago that I had taken a razor to my face but in all likelihood it was probably more than four days ago. And my teeth; I was usually so pedantic about brushing my teeth but now I could feel the roughness when I ran my tongue over them. I couldn't even remember the last time I had picked up a toothbrush. To make matters worse, I had lost weight too. My dirty t-shirt was hanging all over me while my jeans were hanging off me and my eyes were showing all the signs of my inability to sleep.

To put it simply, I was a crazy mass of mess and I had chosen now to reveal my arrival back on earth to my brother? Before I picked myself up and fixed all this? What was I thinking? I couldn't believe it. I just kept staring at myself not being able to believe it. Dean had looked so great when he arrived back, just like normal while I looked like death warmed up. Worse even.

And they wanted me to go out like this? I was kicking myself for even gracing the general store with my disgusting presence every day. They must have dreaded my arrival, the poor people. No wonder they never made small talk with me or never smiled, no wonder I always got speedy service; they wanted me out of there as quickly as humanly possible. At the time I didn't realize because I didn't care, but now, now I understood completely. It was because I was a repulsive, filthy animal.

'All good.' Dean smiled at me as he re-entered the room holding his phone.

I forced myself to sound cheerful. 'Great. What time do you have to be home?'

'Friday. '

'Friday?' I knew my days had been all whacked out but I was kind of pretty sure it was Wednesday today.

'Yeah I told her Bobby was in town and I was staying with him for a couple of nights.'

'Okay.'

'She's fine Sammy. I'll just go and get some things when the guys bring back the impala and I'm all yours.'

'Isn't she wondering why you have to stay with Bobby?'

He shrugged. 'Nah. We don't have any room for him there and she knows how much I need-.' He stopped himself before he continued. 'She's cool. It's okay.'

'Okay.'

'So I'll take the couch and –'

'I'll take the couch.' I offered. He was leaving a comfortable house and a comfortable bed so he could stay with me - for me - so he should have the bed, not the lumpy, old couch.

'You're taking the bed. I'm taking the couch.'

'I don't mind.'

'Either do I. You are taking the couch.'

That was an order, I knew that tone, and so I nodded and sat down, resting my elbow on the table. 'Okay.'

'Dude, you alright?' He asked me out of nowhere.

I ran a hand through my hair and tried so hard to make myself sound strong when I answered a convincing yeah. Thing was though I didn't even get the word out. Thing was, instead of saying anything, some more tears fell from my eyes.

_**Dean**_

All I could do was stand behind him and massage his shoulders for a bit while he cried and I fought back tears of my own.

I didn't know where this had come from but it didn't surprise me. I just hated thinking he had been going through anything like this alone while I had been only minutes away. But at least I was with him now. That was something.

He was trying so hard to stop his sobbing. It was so sad to watch him hitching and then trying to pull himself together and then failing and breaking down all over again. I grabbed a chair from the dining table and sat down next to him. In silence.

I cast my mind back. What had I wanted and needed when I had first gotten back? Everything was just happening all around me, what with demon central around the block and Cas making his grand entrance and legendary announcement. As soon as I had found Sam I was basically on the job again. Maybe that helped a bit, maybe it got my mind off a little of it.

Who was I kidding? The torturous memories from hell couldn't be dulled. There was no taking your mind off it. It was always there, in you, forever.

I hated that my brother had to suffer that same affliction. I hated it more than I hated anything, more than I hated being in hell itself.

'I'm sorry Sammy.' I said as I pulled his hand away from covering his face. 'I shouldn't have let you go there. I'm so sorry.'

He shook his head to argue but he was still unable to talk. I felt a few tears fall from my own eyes as I flung an arm around his shoulder. 'It's okay. Just breathe, okay?'

He nodded and he tried, but it was too fast and I worried he would start hyperventilating. 'Slowly. Sam, slow it down.' Luckily he was listening to me. 'Deep breaths.'

I had seen one of Ben's friend's mothers try to calm her son by saying the exact same words at a barbeque we had been to only a month ago. He had tripped on the wet cement and smashed his head on the side of the pool. He was okay injury-wise but he had completely freaked out at the sight of his own blood gushing from his wound. I had helped fix the gash but the poor kid was so upset that even after half an hour later he was still not coping too well.

His mother sat there with him though through it all and never gave up. Just sat there calmly. I remember admiring how calm she was actually. Lisa was like that too with Ben. She loved him more than anything but an aura of strength would envelope her the second anything threatened her boy, as if she could take on anything. She didn't often lose all rationality like I had been known to do.

I had to be the same for Sam; calm and strong...and rational.

Even though I was completely losing it on the inside.

'Sorry.' He said to me once he could manage to speak again. He stood up, stepped away from me, wiped his tears and shook his arms. 'I didn't want to do this.'

'Do what?'

He couldn't look at me; instead he turned his attention to the window. 'Be like this.'

'Be like what?' I said as smoothly and evenly as I could.

'Like this.' He said again.

'Look at me Sammy.'

When he didn't, I said the same thing again but a little firmer. That got him turning around and when he looked into my eyes, I spoke.

'You be who you are. That's all I want.'

And instead of calming him, I had singlehandedly set him off again.

(to be continued…)


	5. Chapter 5

_**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. I really appreciate hearing what you guys think. **_

_**Thanks to everyone who has read and added this story to their alerts/favs too! =D **_

**Chapter 5**

_**Dean**_

Man that was intense.

I had never seen Sam like that and to be honest I don't even know how we both got through it, but by the time Bobby and Cas had arrived back loaded up with bag upon bag of necessities, my brother was freshly showered and asleep in his bed.

So we wouldn't wake him, we decided to load everything in Bobby's room for the night. I asked Cas to keep an eye on Sam in the darkness of his room while Bobby and I went through the items they had picked up.

His clothes needed to be smaller, that was depressing to me. I didn't like how much weight he had lost, especially because it was in such a short amount of time. That definitely wasn't healthy. He had let himself go so far beyond anything I could have ever imagined from Sam that I wasn't sure he would ever get back to the way he was.

Bobby was telling me I was being a drama queen for even thinking that. He just needed a shave and a haircut, he said, and needed to eat and sleep more. I didn't believe that for a second. Sam needed much more than that. After what I had seen that night, the condition he had been in; Sam needed _much _more than that.

'Had he been that way before seeing you?' He asked me as I re-packed the shirts and jeans into their bags.

'He said no.'

'He's releasing Dean. The anxiety of keeping this from you as well as staying separated is finally being let go.'

'I know, but still…You didn't see him Bobby. He was hysterical.'

'I wouldn't expect anything different.'

'Yeah, well, thanks for the heads up.'

'You didn't need a heads up. If you thought about it you wouldn't have expected anything different either. '

True. I sighed and grabbed the bag that was full of food: lots of meat and vegetables, bread, milk, cereal, a few tins and a bit of dairy. They did well. I was going to make Sam cook for himself tomorrow night…and maybe for me and Bobby. If I could just get him to start moving and doing things for himself again maybe he would keep going.

I was also going to make him shave and shampoo and do some damn laundry. I wanted to throw out the clothes he had been wearing, that was where they belonged; in the trash, but the more he did the more I reckoned he would keep doing.

As long as he kept going and as long as he kept doing. That was my start.

'What's the plan for tomorrow?' Bobby sat down and waited for my response.

'A drive. Get him back in the impala.'

'You're not working?'

'No.'

'Will that be a problem?'

'Not for me.' After I had placed the cold stuff in the fridge I told Bobby something I knew for sure, 'I'm taking a damn picnic as well.'

'A picnic?' Bobby smiled for some reason I wasn't sure of.

'Yeah I'll stop off and get some chicken and other…picnic type things on the way; get him into a store.'

'Tread with care on that.'

'A little store.' I checked the time. Nine-seventeen. 'I'm staying with Sam tonight and tomorrow night. I'm just going to head hom...to Lisa's-'

'You _can_ say 'home' Dean, you are allowed to have a home you know.' Bobby interrupted.

'- and get some of my own things. Are you right here for a bit?'

'Of course.' He frowned at me like I was an imbecile.

_**Sam **_

I woke up with such a fierce jolt that for a second I didn't remember where I was. The first thing I felt was my own sweat covering every inch of my body and the second thing I felt was the brutal thumping in my head. I had cried so much yet fought it all the way and now, it seriously felt like it was about to explode.

'Are you okay?'

The sound of Cas's voice made me jump. He clicked his fingers and the light turned on causing my sore and swollen eyes to blink wildly.

'You don't look okay.' He stated in pure Cas-like fashion. I scanned the room for Dean and when I couldn't find him tried to focus on the clock. Nine-forty. For a second I couldn't work out if it was night or day but then when I thought to look out the slit of the closed curtains, I saw that it was dark outside. Earlier than ten o'clock. It felt like I had been asleep for weeks.

'Aspirin?' I asked suddenly feeling nauseous. Just to top off my whole wreck of a night.

'Ummm.' Cas scanned the room but came up with nothing. 'Do you have any here?'

'No, sorry.'

'I'll just go and check if we got any at the mall.' And with that he was gone. No doors necessary for this Cas. He must have loved having all of his angel mojo back. Life was great again for Cas.

Good for him.

It was Bobby who walked through the door with the pills. Cas didn't return. That was unfortunate because for some reason, with Cas, I didn't feel nearly as embarrassed by my condition as I did with Bobby and Dean. The humiliation I felt with my family was beyond mortifying.

'Hey kid.' He greeted lightly as if I didn't look like an obscene sack of crap.

'Hi.' I thought about hiding under my covers but figured that would look …disturbing, so instead forced myself to stay upright and used the bed head as a support for my back and neck.

After he handed me a glass of water and the aspirin, he sat on the edge of my bed and gave me a soft smile. 'You're not looking so hot.'

I raised my eyebrows as a reply, regretting it instantly as even that motion hurt like a bitch.

'Dean's out getting some of his stuff. You want me to call him?'

'No.' I said too quickly. 'No, I'm fine. Just needed these. Thanks.'

He nodded and smiled again – the same smile of support. 'It's so great to have you back Sam. You have no idea.'

'It's great to be back.' I attempted a smile of my own but it didn't come - which confused me. Of course it was great to be out of hell. And naturally I would be stoked to be back to life, right?

Of course.

'You are going to do it tough for awhile, we both know it but you gotta believe you will come through it. Just like your brother did.'

Of course.

'It is just going to take a bit of time and a lot of effort but I know you're up for that.' When I didn't answer, he continued. 'You did such a monumental thing for everyone on this land Sam. It's not fair, I know, but now you have to do it for yourself. You hear me?'

I nodded as I took three pills at once.

'And always remember, we are here to help you. Whatever you need.'

'Thanks.' That was sweet. Had I ever said that to Dean? I don't think I ever did. Selfish bastard I am. I had no freaking idea…None. What he had gone through…and what I did to him in return… Man, I couldn't even go there. It was too repulsive to even think about again.

I was a sickening glob of pus.

'So I hear you and Dean are going for a drive tomorrow.'

'Apparently.'

The last thing I felt like doing was going anywhere, but I figured being in a car with my brother was better than going anywhere else – or being with anyone else.

'You want to hear something funny?'

I wasn't up for anything funny. 'What?'

'Dean's going to pack a picnic for you both.'

Okay, so that was definitely kind of funny. 'What?' I felt myself smile for real – which hurt my head even more.

'Yeah. He's going to get you guys a chicken and all.'

'A chicken?'

Dean packing a picnic…oh my God! I smiled again. This I had to see!

_**Dean**_

My boss was a dick. A full on, dead-head, pure and utter dick. He wanted me in. I told him no, I wasn't coming in. He told me I had to or he would fire me. I told him where to go.

That probably wasn't such a great idea because now I probably didn't have a job.

Lisa was going to just about have a fit. We needed me to have a job because straight after she had just upgraded her car by taking out one huge mother of a loan, her own work hours had been cut back to only three days a week. Add that to the ever increasing costs of everything, being an income down would not be a welcome thing.

Dammit!

'All okay?' Sam asked me as he ventured out of the bathroom after his shower.

'Yeah. Fine.' I looked him up and down. The new jeans and shirt fit him well and he seemed to be in higher spirits this morning which was a good thing. Now for his face; 'You gonna have a shave?'

'Yes.' He frowned as if I had just asked him the most insulting question of all time.

'Just asking.'

What the hell was I going to do for money now? Ben needed hundreds of dollars for this interstate school camping trip within the week and the electricity bill was due the day before the gas bill, which was owed in two business days. Just brilliant. Yesterday, all we had was the weekly mortgage payment and the grocery money – today we had nothing. I had given all that I had to Bobby for Sam's stuff. I was out.

When Sam returned to the bathroom, I sat down and ran my fingers through my short hair. I had to get another job and soon. Like now really. Today. I looked towards the bathroom door and heard the sounds of my brother finally cleaning his damn face up. Maybe now he would start to resemble the person he was, or used to be. Bring it I say.

I wondered if the job at the local gas station was still going. I had seen the sign in the window last Friday when I had filled up but I couldn't remember if it was still there when I stopped for bread and milk on Tuesday. It was probably gone by now. Jobs always went so quickly around here. It was insane.

'You want some breakfast?' I called out remembering it was after nine.

'No. I'm cool.' Sam actually said to me.

'You're having breakfast.' As if I was going to let him not eat. As if. 'What do you feel like? You have toast or cereal.'

A thought hit me; did we have cereal at home? We had been running low the last time Lisa had given me some. I noticed because Ben was encouraged to have toast so that I could have cereal again the next day if I felt like it. Lisa could have picked up some more on her day off yesterday. She probably would have. She was pretty good like that.

'Cereal is fine.' Sam called out.

I moved over to the kitchen and stretched my back out before I pulled two bowls down from the cupboard. That couch sucked. My back was killing me. I stretched again and massaged my neck to loosen it before I took out the milk.

'Come and get it before it gets soggy.' I yelled out to my brother placing his bowl on the table.

I sat on the opposite side of where he would be sitting and glanced out the window. It was still warm out. Nice day for a drive and a picnic. I intended to go to a lookout point that Lisa had told me about. She wanted me to take her there one night. I thought about it for a second; maybe next date night. It did sound like it had a pretty cool view up there and Sam would be okay with it because it was secluded and quiet.

'Sam!' I called again when I felt some of my flakes lose their crispiness.

'I'll just be a sec. Almost done.'

'Now!' He had to enjoy his food to get back into it. I didn't need him suffering through that too. I wanted him to want more.

Thankfully he surfaced. Even though he was only halfway done with the shaving he already looked five million times better. My little brother was coming back. Bit by bit he was coming back.

He sat down and picked up his spoon.

'We need to get you a haircut as well.' I would have to borrow some cash from Bobby for that – or no, we could use the credit card. Oh, but that was probably over the limit now that I had booked Bobby his room. God dammit to hell!

He dropped his spoon. I frowned. 'What?'

'Nothing.' He picked it up again and scooped up a bunch of flakes. 'Bobby could do it.'

'Do what?' My frown hadn't left me.

'Cut my hair.'

Was he joking? 'Why would Bobby do it?'

'Or you.'

He looked serious. 'Why would I do it?'

He shrugged. 'I don't know.'

'We'll go into town tomorrow and get it done. There's a small place –'

'No. Dean, please.'

'Sam,' I rubbed my forehead. 'The quicker you do things like this the easier it is going to be. You have to just jump in and do it.'

Instead of arguing he just looked into his bowl like a sad and scared puppy.

'I'll be right there with you.' I tried. 'Okay?'

Thankfully he nodded. Now to just get it done. That was my main concern.

My second main concern was to get another frickin job.

When the hell was I going to do that? I couldn't leave Sammy, but I couldn't wait too long either. I needed money, everyone needed money. Maybe Sam still had a fake credit card we could use. What was I saying? Of course he did. How else would he be here?

And if things got really bad, there was always the pool table at the bar too…

_**(to be continued…)**_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

_**Sam**_

My seat in the impala wasn't my seat in the impala anymore. It was now Lisa's and occasionally Ben's. That was kind of hard to take but when Dean started the ignition that day, it was me he smiled at, it was me that he knew would get it and it was me that felt the most comfortable in it.

In just under a full year he hadn't done a thing to her and for that I was eternally grateful. If I had've noticed even one change I don't know how I would have reacted. It made me regret my own decision to hook up an IPod jack when Dean had been gone. At the time I didn't really see the big deal but now I absolutely did. Now I wanted to apologise for it, but unfortunately for the both of us, that moment had passed long ago.

I smiled back. Being in her with my brother and on the road again was where I felt the most familiar and the most content. It didn't matter that my head was still so craptastically messed up. I could still appreciate her every rumble and purr and I could still feel how much I had missed her.

I sat back into the seat, closed my eyes and soaked up her warmth that swallowed my body. Yes, I was home…even if it was just for one day.

An hour later was the next time I opened my eyes and I found myself parked right in front of a chicken store.

'I'll just wait here.' I said noticing how desperate I sounded. There was a group of workmen sitting outside at one of the tables eating their hot lunches. It wasn't that I was scared of them, I wasn't; it was just that I didn't want them seeing me. I didn't want anyone seeing me.

'No deal. You're coming in.' Dean said simply, ripping his keys from the ignition and opening his door.

I hadn't even taken my seat belt off and instead of making a move to do so, my eyes locked onto the guys at the table. One stood up, then another did and I hoped they were all getting ready to leave because then I would be more able to get out of the safety of this car and walk into a damn freaking store.

It blew my mind that I could've missed Dean walking around to my side but I only realized he had when he opened the door and I jumped in fright. 'Come on.'

When I looked up into his eyes, for a second he faltered and I hoped that meant he was going to back down. That was what it usually meant but not this time. This time it meant he was about to get frustrated. 'Sam, let's go. We're just going to get some food.'

Moving my eyes back to the men caused Dean to do the same. When he looked back at me, I was still eyeing them. 'Dude, they're just having lunch.'

Only two left the table. The others settled back into their rowdy conversation. Damn it!

'Sam.'

I took just about the deepest breath I could inhale and forced myself to undo my seat belt. For Dean's sake, not mine.

He opened the door wider for me and waited for me to get out. The second I moved my right foot, one of the younger men looked over at us. 'Hey man, I like your car.' He called out.

'I'll wait here.' I told him again as my foot moved back into its place.

The guy stepped over to him. 'My dad had one just like her.'

I tried to shrink out of sight but being the stupid size I was I couldn't freaking shrink out of anyone's sight so instead I just glared at the floor in front of me while Dean turned around and spoke to him.

I wished my brother wasn't still leaning on the top of my door, I wanted to close it so bad but his arm wouldn't move and so I kept feeling exposed to these people; as if their eyes were boring into me and could see everything I had ever done. I imagined them sizing me up and taking in my ratty hair and even though they weren't even smiling, I felt like they were laughing at me because I was some insane freak that didn't belong in their human world. All I wanted was to shut myself off from them and hide and the longer I couldn't do it, the worse I felt.

Much to my terror another two guys ventured over to them and stood even closer to me. I felt surrounded and the interior of the impala as well as my throat began to close in on me, my chest began to tighten and my breath began to restrict. Oh God.

When they laughed it was a loud and booming sound that caused me to jump again. It hurt my still pounding head and made me panic all the more. The world started swirling and I felt like I had no choice but to shut the door - and so I did. Then all I could do was watch helplessly as my brother fell back against my window and listen regretfully as his body crashed down on the concrete with an almighty thump.

The guys rushed to help him up but I didn't. I just kept sitting there feeling all sorts of crap and wishing the men would leave so I could get out and make sure he was okay. But they didn't and so I didn't. Instead I just shrunk down deeper into my seat.

'It's cool, I'm okay.' I heard Dean say but then I shut my eyes again and purposely blocked out the rest of their conversation because I didn't want to hear how they thought I was some weirdo, crazy psychopath and I really didn't want to hear Dean agreeing with them.

After making sure Dean was definitely okay they got his message and returned to their table.

After making sure he himself was okay, Dean returned to the driver's seat and glared hard at me.

'I'm sorry.' I said unable to look at him.

He started the car and slammed the gear into reverse. I wanted him to say something but I didn't know what and if he was going to yell at me I didn't know if I could take it, so I sat there in silence feeling suffocated with the tension that hung thick the air while he burned off.

'You okay?' I tried when we were back on the road and driving straight ahead. The guilt was killing me and I really needed to know that he was alright.

'We're going to a frickin store and you are going to go in!' Was his loud reply.

He was pissed at me and that was the last thing I wanted so until we hit the next store I worked hard on my stupid and pathetic mind so that the second he pulled up in front of the next chicken place, I would undo my seat belt and open the door and get out – just like a sane and normal person.

Exactly what my brother wanted me to be.

_**Dean**_

My shoulder hurt and my arm was pinched and scratched to the crap from where the door was yanked from under me. I had smashed right onto my ass which jolted the hell out of my back and left my leg sort of twisted and aching. To make matters worse, the incredulous looks I copped from the guys I had been innocently talking to made me want to wrap up the conversation I _had _been enjoying as soon as frickin possible so I could get the hell out of there.

Yes, I was pissed and I was pissed at myself for being pissed, but it was a stupid ass thing for my brother to do and I was sore and hurting and all I wanted him to do was get out of the damn frickin car and he couldn't even do that.

And to be honest that scared the freaking hell out of me.

I needed more music, a power ballad or something, to calm me down. I chucked in a Poison cassette and fast forwarded to _Every Rose has its Thorn_ and repeated it until we hit the next store. I parked in a car park that had empty spaces on both sides, did a quick check to see if there was another crowd that would panic him and looked back at my remorseful and sad little brother.

'You ready?' I questioned harder than I wanted.

To my relief he nodded and unclipped his seat belt. I didn't miss his massive breath in or the shaking of his hands and for a split second I almost let him off the hook and went in by myself. But I knew that wasn't what was best for him. He had to face these fears one by one and confront them head on – with me by his side.

God, all this for a damn chicken.

We were so close to the lookout that instead of buying anything else that resembled a picnic from another store, we would just have to get some chips and salads and cans of drinks from this one and do our usual take-away, junk food lunch. Come to think of it, maybe that would be better anyway. Bring back a bit of normal for him.

And me.

I watched as he hesitated when a mother stepped out of the door with her toddler and a plastic bag full of hot food. Thankfully though, it didn't stop him and finally – finally he managed to get himself out of the car.

'You got any cash?' I asked him casually as we crossed the car park. 'I haven't been to a bank,' I lied. 'You reckon you can get this one and I'll pay you back?'

'You don't have to pay me back.' He said while he flinched at a car driving past us. Seeing his reactions to every movement around him made me wonder how he had made it to the store for his lunch every day.

'You alright?' I checked just as we were about to enter. Only three people were inside; a young couple waiting for their order and the teenage worker behind the counter. He nodded and handed over a twenty from his back pocket and we stepped in.

I wasn't a total asshole, I did the ordering while he kept his head down and his shoulders slumped. I pulled at his sleeve for him to follow me to one of the two tables and sat down. As soon as he took a seat opposite me, he started playing with the salt shaker.

'Hey.' I leaned over to him.

He fought to look up at me but the very second he did; his eyes darted around to scan the other people.

It wasn't my intention but it was me rolling my shoulders to ease the soreness that got him back and meeting my eyes.

'I'm sorry.' He said again. 'Are you okay?'

'Yeah, I'm fine. How are you doing?'

He raised his eyebrows.

'It's alright Sammy. You just keep hanging in there. We're going to have a good day today. Just keep remembering that.'

'Yeah.' He nodded and tried to smile at me.

All of my anger dissipated right there and then as I watched a clump of his hair fall into his anxious eyes. Fact was, I had my little brother back with me and there was nothing better. No pain from a fall could change that. I just had to help him.

...

So Lisa was right, the lookout was kick ass and being up there, just Sam and I, got both of us smiling for real. He seemed to relax as he kept his eyes on the view and breathed in the fresh and cool air. I got our food organized and for the first time that day freed my mind of any stressful thoughts. Up here they didn't belong.

'What was Bobby doing today?' He asked me after I handed him his plate and a coke and set down my own.

Beer. We should have got some beer too I thought. 'Visiting a friend. He told me his name but I've never heard of him. Couple of hours away.'

'Is he coming back tonight?'

'Nah, probably tomorrow.' This pasta salad was frickin awesome. I would have to tell Lisa about it. She was always trying to replicate recipes when we enjoyed something we had eaten out... and she was good at it too. I couldn't pick much in anything but usually always she got it pretty similar to the way it was. I would take some home for her if we didn't finish it. All I could pick was pasta and some kind of seeded mustard. Maybe some mayonnaise.

'Was your boss okay with you taking today off as well?'

'Yeah fine.' I lied. How could I tell him? He wasn't up for it. If he was, I would have but he wasn't so I couldn't. Speaking of my boss…maybe I could call him and apologize. Maybe then I could get my job back and earn some much needed dollars again. Uggh that would suck. I didn't know if I could do that.

Before I could take a single bite of my chicken, my phone rang. I reached into my pocket and checked the screen. 'Lisa.' I stated to both Sam and myself. 'I better get it.'

'Yeah, of course.'

'Hey babe.'

'Dean –' She sounded upset, 'The school called. Ben has been taken to hospital.'

_(To be continued…)_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

_**Dean**_

Holy crap.

'Why? What happened?' I stood up, turned my back on Sam and took a few steps to the left as if that would keep him from hearing the worry in my voice.

'They don't know. He just collapsed in class.' Her voice was even but shaky. 'I'm on my way now. When can you get there?'

'I'm like an hour and a half away.'

'What? Where are you? Aren't you supposed to be at work?'

'I took the day off and went for a drive…with Bobby.'

'Well can you get there as soon as possible? Leave now? Please.'

I turned and looked at my brother who was staring up at me full of concern. He needed me too.

'Dean, are you really hesitating here? Ben is in hospital!' Lisa almost yelled at me.

'I know. Yes, I know.'

'So I will see you there in an hour and a half right?'

'Yes. Just – keep me informed okay?'

'Okay.'

'What's wrong?' Sam asked as I disconnected the call.

'Ben. He's umm…he's in hospital. He collapsed.'

Sam bolted upright and started shoving all the food and drink into both of the plastic bags. He understood the emergency and I admired him for that. I, on the other hand wondered how on earth I was going to be in two places at once that night.

_**Sam**_

Dean was stressing out big time. I had offered to drive but the look he gave me put me right back in my place. I, he thought, was in a way worse condition than he was and man, if that was true, then that was really saying something. The way he was taking the corners and the speed he was doing made me hold on for dear life.

I had no idea what to say to him to calm him and I wondered if I ever did. I wanted to be a brother that could be there for him just like he had always been for me; even if it was more in presence than in words - but with this, I was kind of clueless as to where to start and it didn't really seem like the right time anyway. When Dean had this much going on in his head, he usually just clammed up and didn't want anyone to press him. I had to try though right? I had to say something. Anything. I hated seeing him like this.

'I'm sure he will be okay.' What a dumbass thing to say. How would I even know that? Idiot.

'Yeah me too.' He surprised me by replying. 'Hey, you want me to call Bobby? Get him to come back?'

'No. No way. Leave him with his friend.'

'Try Cas then. Get him to stay with you until I get there.'

'Until you get there?' What was he talking about?

'Yeah. Call him - or do you want me to?'

'I don't want anyone to. Don't worry about me. I'm fine.'

He frowned like I was an idiot. 'I can't leave you alone.'

'Of course you can.'

'No, Sam, I can't.'

'Dean I've been alone for two weeks and I was fine.'

'You weren't fine. You were anything but fine.'

I tried not to let that sting as much as it stung and looked at him. 'Well, I will be fine tonight.' Then, with what I said next, I shrugged in an attempt to hide my terror: 'I have to get used to living alone anyway.' I felt like I came across nonchalantly which was what I was going for all along and that pleased me. Maybe that would make him feel a bit better.

Maybe not.

He swallowed like he was ingesting a horse, like hearing that was harder for him to take than me and I hoped to God that the reason for this erratic driving and the freaked out frown on his face was because his step son was lying in a hospital bed sick and not because he had to leave me to go and see him.

_**Dean**_

I don't know how I was doing it but somehow I was and I felt like the worst brother in the whole entire world. I was actually driving in the direction of that crappy motel to dump Sammy there so I could go and be with someone else. He needed me. Ben had Lisa, Lisa had Ben…who the hell did Sam have?

Yes, I was worried about Ben. That was why I was doing this. Something was wrong with the poor kid and I really wanted to know what it was and I really did want to be there and help him...and his mother but I just wished our lives weren't that much of a screw up that I couldn't take my fragile brother with me – because he needed to be helped as well.

Yet still I drove and with every mile that ticked over, the more ticked off at myself I would become.

I could tell Sam didn't expect me to do anything else. Ben was sick and I had to be there. To him it was as simple as that. He was always good in that way and I was sure he was sure he could handle being alone but I wasn't so sure and now with Bobby hours away, I was having a tough time reconciling what I was doing to what I should have been doing – and which was the right thing to do above what I wanted to do.

To put it mildly I was confused – and worried – about everyone; Sammy, Ben, Lisa and me. All of us.

And then to top it all off Sam had said what he said. That he would have to get used to living alone. The reality of his words slapped me hard across my face. I had a choice to make and I was pissed at myself for even considering the two options.

Leave Lisa and Ben for Sam or leave Sam for Lisa and Ben.

If I was asked only a few days ago what I would have picked, I would have said door number one without a single doubt, but now, now that I had my brother back, I found myself wanting both of the doors. The only thing was, if by some miracle I could manage that, then to put it bluntly, Sammy was left out in the cold to live alone, without me. And right now, he wasn't up to that.

Then on the other hand and especially with this happening now, if I did leave Lisa and Ben none of us would be happy. Sam would hate to be the cause of our break up and I would hate to lose them. They had been so great to me and I enjoyed having them in my life. I didn't want our relationship to come down to the fact that I had used them because I didn't have my brother with me. I never wanted that.

I looked over at Sam who looked back at me and gave me one of his supportive half smiles. He was the most important person to me, that was a definite fact, but could I bump him down my list to have it all? Should I?

I already was though, wasn't I? Because I was already driving him back to his motel room where he would stay the whole night alone because he was too frightened and terrified to open the damn door.

I looked at him again. He waited for me to say something, but instead I thought it. I loved him the most but in spite of that, I still had a decision to make.

And it was already stressing me out on top of everything else.

_**Sam**_

'I'm fine Dean' I repeated again as he checked around my room for I don't know what. He had to go. Why wasn't he going?

'You promise me you will eat.' He nodded to the bags that were nearly full with all the messed up food we hadn't really even touched. 'And I mean now. You have enough there for lunch and dinner. You promise me.'

'I promise but you should take some too, you haven't eaten either.'

'No, I'm fine. I'll get something at the hospital.'

'You haven't been to the bank yet.' I reached into my back pocket and produced another twenty dollar bill. 'For parking and something to eat.'

'Thanks buddy. I'll pay you back.'

'Forget about it. Just go and let me know how he is.'

'And you call me if you need me for anything okay? Promise me.'

Another promise. 'Okay, yes. Just go Dean.'

He gave me a panicked look, a look that said he didn't want to leave. A look that said if he did leave something really bad was going to happen to me.

'I have the TV. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be fine. Quit worrying about me. Just worry about Ben.'

'I'm going to call Bobby on the way. Get him back here.'

'No.'

'Consider it done. He'll be back in about two hours.' He told me as he stepped out of the door and closed it behind him.

I rolled my eyes and figured I would give it another five minutes before I called Bobby to tell him not to bother coming back to babysit me. If I was here alone, then I WAS FINE!

Only, when I watched the impala drive out of the driveway and turn left onto the road and then out of my sight, my heart began to pound a little bit faster and my guts began to churn a little bit harder. I looked around the room wondering what to do next and felt myself a little bit lost all over again.

So I did my usual and turned on the TV and flicked through the channels until I landed on one that wouldn't bore me as much as the others and as I sat there I thought about opening the bags so I could eat and drink something like Dean had made me promise to do, but then instead of doing that I sat back and stared at the screen, just like I usually did.

And it was there I stayed until I heard the knock on my door almost three hours later.

_**Dean**_

So it seemed that Ben's fainting was caused by diabetes. He was now a diabetic. Lisa was beside herself being told her son would have to inject himself a few times a day every day for the rest of his life and Ben, well Lisa informed me that Ben wasn't too thrilled himself. This was going to affect his sports, his lifestyle and his life.

The poor kid.

'Hey you.' I smiled at him when I stepped into the room with Lisa trailing behind me. I had called her to let her know I had arrived and she had met me outside his room to tell me of the diagnosis. For his sake, she was appearing strong but when I had hugged her she had cried harder than I had ever seen her cry before.

He looked so seedy propped up there on his white pillows under his white sheets and I tried to remember if he had been that pale and sickly before this. If so, I hadn't even noticed. What kind of a dad was I? If it was Sam I would have picked it in a heartbeat…and so would have Bobby.

'Hi.' He said without a smile.

'How are you feeling?'

'M'okay. Mom told you what is wrong with me?'

'Yeah, she did.'

Lisa smiled at him as if it wasn't going to be a big deal.

'It's okay, we'll figure it out.' I said.

'They say I can't over –ex..'

'Exert.' Lisa said for him while sitting down on her chair near his bed and picking up his hand and holding it. I grabbed the spare chair from the corner of the room and sat down next to her.

He looked at me sadly. 'So I guess that means I can't play-' He stopped.

'Exercise is good for diabetics. They recommend it.' Lisa smiled. 'You just can't go too hard.'

'But if I don't go too hard, then we won't win.'

'Then maybe the rest of the team needs to start pulling their weight hey?' I winked at him.

'Yeah, I guess.'

'We'll figure it out.' I said again not knowing how but just knowing we would.

He then gave me a smile believing me. This kid trusted me with all his heart and so did his mother.

Lisa rubbed my back and I tried not to check the time…already.

_**Sam**_

Dammit! I forgot to call Bobby and now here he was on my doorstep reporting for duty. I thought about not opening the door but then wondered what that would prove so stood myself up and greeted him with a fake smile.

'You should really ask who it is.' Was his greeting.

'I knew it was you.' The first thing he did was look at the table which still had the bags sprawled across it. 'You didn't have to come back.' I said as he stepped over to them. 'I told Dean not to call you.'

He opened one to check the contents and then opened the fridge. Dammit!

All I could do was watch him and wait for the lecture I was going to cop, because, hey, I deserved it.

'You haven't eaten a damn thing have you?'

'I meant to.'

'Take a seat Sam.' He pulled out one of the chairs from the table and waited for me to sit down. Then he sat on the closest one and turned his body towards me. I picked up the cardboard motel thingy and started reading it until he took it out of my hands and placed it down on the furthest corner away from my reach.

'Okay, so what's the deal here?'

'What do you mean?' I thought I would play dumb. He didn't buy it.

'Dean told me you promised you would eat something.'

'I will.'

'Sam these things need to be refrigerated, you know that. And anyway, he gave me the feeling you were supposed to eat something for lunch as well as dinner seeing as though you didn't get in anything at the lookout.'

I didn't have an answer for that so I looked at the cardboard thingy again. He flicked it onto the floor and ordered me to look at him.

'You said you didn't want me to come back tonight.'

'No, I didn't.'

'Why?'

'Because I didn't want you to have to leave your friend and I don't need to be watched like I'm a kid.'

'Yet you don't eat and it looks like you haven't had a drink either. How can we believe you don't need to be watched if you refuse to look after yourself?'

'I didn't refuse; I just hadn't got there yet.'

'Well, that's just not good enough Sam. And all this is probably spoiled now. So what did you plan on having for dinner?'

'Could dial a pizza?'

'Sam.' He rubbed his forehead just like Dean did when he was stressed.

'I'm sorry Bobby. I just – I don't know, I just …forgot.'

'And that's a worry.' He sighed. 'You know I'm going to have to tell Dean don't you?'

'What?' My head snapped up. I didn't even know I had been looking down again. 'No, why?' Was he trying to scare the crap out of me or what? Hopefully so – hopefully he wasn't serious. He couldn't be. Dean had enough to worry about.

'Because he is going to ask and I aint gonna lie to him.'

'No don't tell him please.' I panicked. 'He doesn't need this. He'll just freak out. I'll dial a pizza now – or you could. We could both have pizza. Do you want some pizza?' I stood up and moved toward the menu and the phone.

'Sit down Sam.'

'Bobby please.' I begged as I did as I was told. 'Please don't tell him.'

'I'm going to. He needs to know.'

'I'm sorry. I'll eat now.' I opened a bag and pulled out some chicken wrapped in its foil bag.

'If you even touch that I will call him right now. Don't you dare.'

I pulled my hand away quicker than I had moved in a long time.

'That did not help. You are willing to give yourself food poisoning?'

'No.'

'Yes you are.' He shook his head and then softened a bit after he saw the fear in my eyes. 'Boy, all we want is for you to get better and it is obvious right now you can't do that alone. Right now, you need someone to help you. It scares us seeing you like this but we are here to help you okay?'

'So you won't tell Dean then?'

'Are you listening to me Sam or are you just worried about Dean's reaction?'

'Both?' I answered honestly.

'Dean can't stay here with you forever-'

'I know that.' I frowned.

'Especially with what is going on now.'

'I know.' I frowned harder trying to push my selfish horror away.

'So you have to learn how to look after yourself properly again.'

'I can do that.'

'I know you can, if you let us help you.' He smiled at me. 'So what do you say about moving in with me?'

Wow, okay. That wasn't what I expected to hear next but he had said it and all I could think about was being hours away from Dean. 'When?'

'After we spend some time with your brother. I'm not saying now, I'm just saying soon. You need a home where you can settle into some kind of routine and get through this.'

I didn't have anywhere else to go – I didn't have anywhere else to be and Bobby was the only other member of my family.

What else was there to consider?

I looked at him and smiled back. 'Yeah okay. Thanks.'

_(to be continued…)_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

_**Dean**_

As I was pulling out of the driveway of the hospital, my phone rang. I was sure it would be either Sam or Bobby calling to check up on me because I was over an hour late already, but it wasn't. Even though I had just left her only minutes before, it was Lisa.

'Hey babe.'

'Dean I just got a call from Steve.'

Oh good God. This wasn't going to be pretty. This, on top of everything else, I did not need.

'Steve who?' I had to buy myself some time to work out a brilliant excuse. With everything going on I hadn't had time to even think about breaking _that _news to my girlfriend.

'Ahh… your boss.'

'Why's he calling you?'

'Because this is the number you gave him when you first started working there. Anyway that isn't important. What's important is that he said your final pay will be transferred on Monday.'

'Oh okay. Great. Thanks.'

'Sorry?' Okay, so as expected, she wasn't impressed.

'Lis, I'm going to get another job okay. Don't freak out.'

'What happened?'

'We had an argument.' There went my _brilliant excuse_.

'You argued with your boss?' She asked with one mother of a frosty attitude.

'Yes.' I turned into the first side street on the right and parked outside a house with a high fence. She was about to lose it and because of that, I had to be in this conversation mind, body and soul.

'Why would you argue with your boss? Everyone knows not to argue with their boss.'

'Okay. I know that now.'

'What?' Her tone indicated that she thought I must be some sort of an alien but unfortunately it then morphed quickly into anger. I would have preferred the alien route. I could plead ignorance if she thought I was an alien. 'Jesus Dean! We have one mortgage payment and one week's worth of grocery money and now with Ben in hospital we are going to get inundated with bills. Plus my car payment is due on the fifteenth and throw in having to get through next week, not to mention next month and we are screwed! Why would you do this?'

'I didn't mean to.'

'How did it happen then?'

'He was being a dick.'

'Every boss is a dick!'

'I'll get another job.' I stated inhaling a deep breath so I could remain my usual calm self.

'When?'

'When I can.'

'Oh my God.'

'Lis, its okay.'

'Don't tell me it's okay! It's not okay. We are only just making ends meet as it is. We can't afford this! Jesus Dean. Just call him back and apologise and ask him for your job back. Beg him if you have to.'

'I'm not going to do that.'

'You have to!'

'No I don't.' I stated proud of myself that I was still relaxed and level headed. On the very odd occasion she raised her voice at me, I would normally fire back at her, but not this time and not so far. Good on me. 'I will find something else.'

'How? Where? When? You know how hard jobs are to come by around here. You have to call him. Call him now. Do you have his number? I'll text it to you.'

'Yes I have his number but I'm not calling him. I will get something else.'

'Dean-'

Why wouldn't she listen? 'I said I will get something else.'

'And I said when? Because let me tell you something; stuffing around and doing nothing while you are out cruising around on fuel that costs money with your friend isn't going to get you a job. It's just going to get us in even more of a situation.'

Oh no, nonono, she couldn't go there. She should never go there, 'Lis.' The warning in my voice ought to have told her how much she was beginning to piss me off.

'Don't 'Lis' me! You screwed up Dean and you have to fix it. So fix it. Now!'

Okay, I had enough with that sanctimonious crap. This wasn't all on me. She had to take on some of it as well.

'Okay well how's this? Once you get a job with more hours so you can come up with at least half of the payments on your over-priced, over-loaned fancy, shiny silver car, I will too!'

Bang.

She hung up on me.

Bitch.

Great!

Just fantastic!

_**Sam**_

I could tell Dean was in a mood the minute he stepped through the door. I hoped it wasn't anything to do with me and then I hoped it wasn't anything to do with Ben.

'How is he?' I asked him when he dumped his keys on the table and sat down in a huff opposite Bobby. The last time I had spoken to him was when he woke me up by calling me at seven that morning. I think I mumbled something like I was fine and asked how Ben was but I couldn't remember much else from the conversation. He had seemed okay though – I think.

'Yeah good. He should be out tomorrow.'

'That's good news.' Bobby said and I could tell he had picked up the same tension as me.

'Did you eat all that stuff yesterday?' He just had to ask me. 'I'm starving.'

I looked at Bobby, Bobby looked at me. My eyes dropped by themselves to the carpet and I said a quiet 'no,' that even I had trouble hearing.

'Any pasta salad left?'

'No, sorry.' I answered before Bobby could.

'Dammit. I've been craving it all day.'

'There's all that other stuff left though.' I offered moving over to the fridge for him and pulling out some bread. 'Toast?'

'Chicken?'

'No.'

'You said you didn't eat it all. What have you got left over from yesterday then?'

I took a deep breath in and then blinked. 'Nothing.'

'What do you mean nothing?' I didn't much like the way his face was scrunching up in confusion. He was definitely already on edge and I didn't want to be the one that tipped him over. I just didn't know what to say.

'Sam?'

I looked over at Bobby. Maybe he could explain it better.

'You want me to tell him?' Bobby asked me.

No I didn't, not at all but I really didn't want to either… and I mean I _really_ didn't want to.

'Tell me what? Spit it out Sam. What's going on?' His stress was increasing and all I could do because I was a messed up freak was stand there and lean my hands on the bench.

At last Bobby decided to speak. 'We had to throw it out.'

'Throw it out?' He repeated. 'Why?'

'Because Sam forgot to refrigerate it.'

'Oh okay, but you ate some first right?'

Nope, I still couldn't speak.

'He said he was going to.' Bobby said for me.

'Oh you are frickin kidding me? You promised me you would eat!' He yelled. 'Straight away. That meant as soon as I left Sam, you know that!'

'I know and I was going to.'

He shook his head at me and frowned that furious frown that always made me want to run and hide from him. 'And what stopped you? Something else come up?'

'No.'

'Then tell me you ate something else. I won't get mad if you tell me you ate something else.'

'We had pizza.' I tried.

He breathed out. 'Okay – when?'

'We dialed it last night.' Bobby said. 'For dinner.'

He nodded once and glared daggers at me. 'So you had nothing for lunch?'

Why wasn't he talking to Bobby, why did he keep asking me things? Bobby was the one talking to him. I was just too damn busy trying to use some kind of hidden power to make myself invisible. I had to concentrate.

'Sam?'

'No, I didn't have anything for lunch, but don't even worry about that Dean. I'm fine. You don't need to stress about this when Ben is in the hosp–'

'Why didn't you have lunch? What were you doing instead?'

'Nothing.'

'So what you are telling me is that we can't leave you alone. Okay I got it.'

'No, that's not…No.'

'You here for awhile?' Dean finally said something to Bobby.

'Yeah, I can be. Why?'

'Cause I need a walk. Stay with him?'

'I'm not a kid.' I made the mistake of saying.

'Then quit acting like one!' He literally screamed at me loud enough for every single person in the vicinity of the whole motel to hear.

'Dean.' I caught Bobby shaking his head at him but didn't see Dean's response because my eyes moved – by themselves – again - to the loaf of bread in front of me while I forced myself to swallow the huge and growing lump in my throat. 'Just calm down okay?'

'That's why I need a frickin walk!'

'Yeah, well, take your time.' Bobby answered flatly.

I waited for the slam of the door and wasn't disappointed. Even though I fully expected it, it made me jump anyway and I found my stomach churn all the more. I was going to throw up, I was sure of it. He was big time pissed at me. Big time.

_**Dean**_

Freaking hell, I was furious. F-U-R-I-O-U-S! I could not believe he did not eat lunch especially after he promised me he would. What was he trying to do? Intentionally piss me off? Get me all freaked out and worried so I could drop dead from a heart attack? Stupid damn kid! As if he needed this. It didn't matter that I hadn't had any lunch yesterday and it didn't matter that I hadn't eaten a damn thing today. What mattered was that he had not been coping and he had not been eating and even though he was back with us, he still would not freaking EAT! And he was the one person who needed to freaking EAT! Uggh! And I couldn't very well kick his ass could I? I couldn't grab him by his overgrown hair and force food down his throat could I? He was twenty-frickin–eight years old and flipping huge. As if I could do that – even if I wanted to – which I did.

'I know now is probably not the right time.' Cas said as he appeared next to me trying to keep up with my FURIOUS strides. 'But we need to talk.'

'Go away Cas.' I wasn't in the mood for anyone, let alone an angel with a mission.

'You and Sam; when do you think you will be back on the job?'

I stopped. He stopped. I looked at him. He looked at me.

'What?' I said instead of knocking him out with my very best right hook.

'We need you to track down this demon named Zepar. He is turning countless amounts of women sterile. We can't have that, especially this one woman who he is circling. She cannot become sterile. We need her child in the future. He is going to help me with an angel –'

'Cas, what the hell are you talking about? Sam and I are done with all that.'

'No. No, you're not and I need to know when you can hunt this demon down.'

'Go to hell.'

'Dean-'

'Cas, seriously – go to hell!'

Luckily for him he disappeared so I could keep walking. I needed to stomp this anger off before I lashed out at someone. Steve had pissed me off, Lisa had pissed me off, Sam had pissed me off, Bobby had pissed me off and now Cas had pissed me off. What was that? What the hell was that? I really felt like punching something. What a crapped up day.

I had to breathe. In and out, in and out. There was no way I could go back to that motel room in the state I was in. Sam was fragile, he couldn't cope with it and I knew that. I knew he was weak and not himself and feeling all messed up and alone and probably traumatized and frightened. If he couldn't manage a lunch how was he going to manage me being furious at him?

Oh man.

I was a full on evil jerk.

He didn't need me yelling at him. What he needed was help, not his brother walking out and abandoning him in blind fury just because he had skipped a meal. God, if anything could have calmed me down, it wasn't a walk, it was thinking that.

I had left him with a colossal slam of the door in the state he was in because I had been pissed off with other people and had taken it out on him. And he was the last person I should have taken it out on because he was the one that was scared the most, he was the one that was hurting the most and he was the one that needed me the most.

Oh my God, I was a fricking first class asshole.

I turned around and headed straight back in the direction that I had just come from.

_(to be continued...)_


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

_**Sam**_

Bobby didn't have to, but he sat with me in the bathroom while I threw up over and over again. He rubbed my back as I heaved and retched all over the toilet bowl. It was disgusting and so was I. My jaw was aching, my shoulders felt like they were going to smash in on me and my throat burnt like it was on fire. Could I be any more of a mess?

And why was I like this?

Because my brother had yelled at me.

I was pathetic.

Worse than pathetic. Thank God he wasn't here to witness this. If he thought I was pathetic before, imagine what he would have thought seeing me react like this.

'You okay?' Bobby stupidly asked me. Did I look okay? Did anything at all about me look okay?

'Fine.' I said once I could speak and after I slumped back against the wall on the tiles. He felt my forehead while I grabbed the towel and wiped my mouth for the umpteenth time.

Pathetic.

'You're burning up. I think you need to go to the docs Sam.'

'I'm okay.' I lied feeling the same nauseas feeling rise in me again. I managed to get to the bowl and vomit just as I heard the front door open and close. 'Oh God. Don't let him come in.' At least I got those words out before I hurled again.

Bobby stood but it was too late. Before he could even take a step, I heard Dean behind me in the doorway.

'Is he okay?'

'Does he look okay?' _Now_ Bobby gets it.

Feeling Dean kneeling down beside me and placing a hand on my back made me try my hardest to pull myself together. 'What the hell happened?'

'What the hell happened?' Bobby asked incredulously.

'Nothing.' I forced myself to say. 'It just came over me. Must have been the pizza.'

'Are you sick?' Dean asked Bobby which meant he could have bought my fib; it wasn't a lie. Not a lie, just a fib. There was a difference.

'No, I'm not sick.' Bobby wasn't playing ball. He wanted the truth out there, I could tell by his tone.

'Was this…Is he throwing up because of…before?' Dean asked him in horror.

'What do you think?'

'Oh my God. Sammy, listen to me buddy.' He was now leaning into me, even closer to my face and I didn't know how he could do that. How could he be so close to this repulsive beast that was me? 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean…I'm not angry at you okay? I had a crappy morning and sure I wanted you to eat lunch yesterday but hey, I didn't eat lunch yesterday either so who am I to be pissed at you right? I'm not pissed at you. I'm sorry I took it out on you. Sammy, stop okay? It's okay. '

After hurling one more time, I reached behind me for the towel and someone; I'm not sure who handed it to me. Dean helped me back against the wall and I closed my eyes willing myself to come good. After I wiped my mouth again and concentrated on settling my unsettled gut, I opened them and looked at my brother. He was so completely stressed out. He had a crappy day; he had just said so himself and I had made it worse. 'Sorry.' I said trying not to breathe all over him.

'You don't have to be sorry.' He smiled at me. 'You have nothing to be sorry about. I do. I'm the one that's sorry. I over-reacted and you didn't deserve that.'

I didn't quite know what he was talking about. I forgot to eat lunch and I was well aware that if he found that out he would be pissed. That was just Dean. It had always been Dean. I didn't expect anything else and I certainly didn't expect an apology – nor did I deserve one. I was the one who screwed up, not him.

'You okay?' There was that expression I had missed so much. The one that told me that all he cared about was whether I was alright or not. It was selfish and usually it would frustrate me; because he never allowed himself the same concern – but right then, I was grateful for it. I needed it just for me and just to know for sure that he wasn't still mad at me. Because then I could breathe and I could stop throwing up and I could at least try to act a little normal again.

'I'm good.' I smiled. 'You?'

'I'm good as long as you are.'

_**Dean**_

'Why was your morning crappy?' Sam asked me from his sitting position under the covers in his bed. Bobby and I had insisted he lie down for awhile even though, as usual, he swore to me that he was fine.

Man, being the cause of that kind of reaction really woke me up to the extent of my brother's state of mind. This was not good, not good at all but really, I didn't know how I could have expected anything else. Did I really just think he could take me yelling at him and then leaving him?

I mean I had thought I had done the right thing at the time. I had separated myself from the situation before I did something I would regret; before I really lost it like I felt I was going to. Back then, I was kind of proud of myself. Right now, I hated myself for it.

'I had an argument with Lisa.'

'About me?' He panicked.

'Dude, she doesn't even know you are back, you know that.' I said gently. Now he was so quick to blame himself for everything. It was so sad. I just wished I could fix everything for him. Everything.

'About what then?'

'Nothing you have to worry about. It'll be okay.' I changed positions on the side of his bed and shuffled Bobby's deck of cards that we had been playing with for the past half an hour.

'You sure?'

'Yep.'

Once I started to deal, my phone rang again. I thought about not even checking on who it was but curiosity got the better of me and I reached into my pocket and pulled it out. Again, it was Lisa. What would it mean if I ignored it I wondered? Nothing good I was sure.

'Hey' I answered purposely leaving out the 'babe' as I did every time we argued. She would only get it again once she apologized to me for being so unsupportive and crabby.

'Why is there no money in the bank?' Was her cold greeting.

Frigging hell.

I had to take this outside. 'Won't be a sec.' I smiled at Sam before leaving him alone in the room. Bobby had made himself scarce in the hope that Sam and I would bond after the fiasco that was earlier. I didn't enjoy leaving him so I hung around the front in case he needed me for something.

'I had to lend it to Bobby.' I lied to her the second I closed the door behind me. 'He is paying me back today.'

'What? All of it?'

'Yes. He needed it so I lent it to him.'

'You lent him all of our money when you didn't have a job and when all we had was enough for food and a roof over our head?'

'I said he is giving it back to me today.' Okay, I had to hit Bobby up for a loan and quick. Today – obviously.

'This isn't good enough Dean. As if losing your job wasn't bad enough, now I find out you have given all of our money away and you hadn't even had the decency to talk to me about it! Any of it!'

'I was going to.'

'When?'

'When the time was right. With all this stuff going on, I didn't think it was really the right time.'

'Can you come home now please? With the money? Now, please.'

'I can't just yet.'

'You have to! I need to buy some food. Ben comes home tomorrow!'

'I know that. Just tell me what you need and I can pick it up on my way home tonight.'

'Tonight? Dean I want you home.'

'I told you I can't right now.'

'Now Dean! Now!'

And with that she hung up on me again.

I called her back, my blood boiling and when she connected, I yelled back at her; 'Quit hanging up on me!' and then, being the mature, level headed person I was, I hung up on her.

'That didn't sound so great.' Sam stated when I re-entered the room determined to put on a happy face for him. I hadn't even considered the possibility that he might have heard which was stupid of me seeing as though I didn't leave his front door.

'It's okay.'

'You have to go?'

'No.'

'Yes you do. Go Dean. I'm fine, I promise. You can even get Bobby in here if you want.'

'I'm not going anywhere.' I sat back on the bed and continued to deal the cards. Looking at Sammy relaxed me and when I remembered just a few days ago that I didn't have him at all; I smiled widely and felt an overwhelming wave of gratitude wash over me. Whatever was going on and whatever happened in my life, at least I had him back and at least he was alive and out of that place. That's all that mattered. That was it.

_**Sam**_

When Dean kicked my ass in poker, we decided to call Bobby in. Dean's confidence was overflowing and he told me while he was on this roll, he simply needed to beat the all time champion and master of the game.

He didn't.

He never did.

Either did I.

Which was pretty funny. What was even funnier was when we all reverted to playing the games we played as kids; Snap, Go Fish, Concentration and even Old Maid.

'No freaking way!' Dean exclaimed when he was left with the Old Maid – which was the Queen of Hearts– for the third time. 'Deal again.'

Bobby and I smiled at each other and I dealt the cards. Once again, and much to Dean's dismay, he was left being the Old Maid.

'This is rigged! You guys are cheating!' He frowned lightly although definitely genuinely doubting our integrity.'I am so not an old maid!'

Hysterical.

I hadn't laughed this much in years. I forgot what it felt like to laugh so hard that your mouth ached and your side hurt and your stomach tightened.

'Give the damn cards to me.' Dean said as he himself laughed along. 'What's the bet I don't get it this time?'

He did.

'Freaking hell! Come on! Seriously!'

'Again.' He ordered as he handed the cards to Bobby and watched with an eagle eye just in case the man somehow managed to cheat.

This time though it was Bobby's turn to be left with the pretty Queen of Hearts and Dean found this to be hilarious. So did I and so did Bobby. We all laughed until our eyes watered and we found it hard to breathe. When one would manage to stop themselves another would laugh all the harder causing him to start all over again. Man it felt good, we were finally having some fun – real fun - stupid fun - and we were having it with each other. This was the one thing I had wanted when I had found myself topside; to see my brother laughing and to be a part of the reason why. It was now happening even if it was for just one night and I could already feel it doing the world of good for me - and hopefully for him as well.

Just as we had all pulled ourselves together, his phone rang again.

It was Lisa.

_(to be continued…)_


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

_**Dean**_

'Yeah?' I said into my phone. My tone was cold and distant but I expected more yelling so I was preparing myself to yell back. It was cruel and petty but it was how I felt. I wasn't in the mood to be attacked again when she clearly had no idea what was going on in my life.

Instead though, what I got was way different and I guess that even though it shouldn't have, it took me by surprise.

'Dean, why are you being like this?' Tears. She was crying and I wasn't really one to deal with a woman crying, especially when it was over me. Instead of firing up, it crumbled me. Every ounce of anger or defensiveness I had been holding onto evaporated right into thin air and all I could feel was sympathy and a determination to make it right just so she would stop crying… over me.

'Lis, don't cry.' I motioned that I was taking this outside to the guys and waited to see Sam's reaction. As expected he gave me a smile full of support and started to pack up the cards.

'Are you seeing someone else? Is this what this is? This friend of yours; It's not Bobby is it?'

'Yes it's Bobby. Of course it's Bobby.' This time I moved up the sidewalk a bit to the empty playground and sat on a swing out of earshot from everyone. 'Don't go thinking things like that because it's not true.'

'Then why? I don't understand.' She sobbed. 'Before he came everything was going okay wasn't it?'

'It's not Bobby's fault.'

'Then why?'

'It's complicated.'

'Dean please. I have to know.'

'Are you at home?'

'Yes. I need to go and buy some food though. Mom said she can lend us some money-'

'No! No, I'm coming home – with the money. We might have to hit a bank first but as soon as I have it, I'll be home and we can talk this out okay?'

'Okay. Thanks.'

'See you soon Hun. And Lis-' I said before she could hang up.

'Yeah?'

'Don't cry okay?'

'Okay.'

It was time to tell her about Sam's comeback. I didn't know just how I was going to do that, but it was definitely time. Lisa didn't know much about what had happened but what I had told her was that Sam had been killed by something supernatural and that he had died a hero.

He had died my hero.

It was going to be hard for her to comprehend. I mean as far as she knew he was dead. Yet now she had to grasp that he was back alive and kicking. How could you get anyone to understand that? But if I thought about it hard enough, I figured if she could wrap her head around what I used to do for a job and understand that kind of stuff exists, maybe, just maybe she could understand this.

And then maybe she could understand why this week had turned out the way it had.

At least it was something huge. She just might get it if it was something huge.

'I have to get going.' I said to Sam and Bobby when I grabbed my jacket from Sam's bed and picked up my keys. 'You going to be alright?'

'Yeah of course.' Sam answered. 'Everything okay?'

'It will be.' I took a seat next to him at the table and leant forward, 'Listen buddy, I 'm going to tell Lisa that you're back. Is that okay with you?'

Even though I saw him swallow, he nodded and said a definite, 'Yeah.'

'Good. Thanks.' I stood up and looked at Bobby. 'You can stay here with him tonight?'

'Yeah. Go do what you have to. We'll be fine.'

'Thanks. You got a sec? Outside?'

I saw Sam cringe out of the corner of my eye and felt bad for him. It would suck being excluded and kept out in the dark like this but I was about to ask Bobby for some money because I had spent all of mine on him. In the condition he was in, he couldn't have taken that so I couldn't let him in on it. There was no damn way.

'I'll look after him, you know that.' Bobby said as I opened the passenger side door to the impala.

'I know. It's not only that.'

When we were both seated, I took in a breath and Bobby locked his eyes on me. I really hated having to do this. 'What's going on Dean?'

I just had to say it. I just had to be a man and say it.

'I need to ask you for some money. I mean, I will pay you back as soon as I can, but I just need to borrow some now if that is okay.'

'You know it is.' He didn't hesitate, not for a second. God how I loved this old man. 'How much do you need?'

It was time to come clean to him too; about the job, the mortgage, next week, next month, the car payment, Lisa – everything and when I had finished he simply said. 'Let's go get you some money.' There was no lecture, no telling me how much of a failure I was and no telling me how much I had let him down because I couldn't even support a family. He just buckled up and rolled the window down a little.

'Thanks Bobby. I mean it, thanks.'

'Anytime son.'

'You think Sammy is going to be okay in there alone for twenty?'

'You want him to come?'

'No. I don't want him knowing.'

Bobby unbuckled his seat belt and said, 'How about you go inside and I go to the bank and bring you back the money?'

That allowed me to breathe out and I smiled at him as I opened my door and he slid over to the driver's seat.

_**Sam**_

This thing between Lisa and Dean was because of me and that was why he had to tell her I was back. She didn't even know yet and I had caused a rift. I knew it. Dean had said it wasn't to do with me but I knew it was and now he was out telling Bobby stuff that I wasn't allowed to know about.

I felt sick again. And offended. But I understood, I got it. After how I had been, Dean probably thought he couldn't tell me anything. I would just start throwing up all over again and he probably didn't have the time or the inclination to have to deal with that.

What was I saying? He wasn't even here anymore. I had seen Bobby and him get into the impala and then a minute later heard her start. They hadn't even told me they were going somewhere which was weird in itself seeing as though both of them did not want me here alone, yet here I was; alone.

When the motel room door opened I almost jumped out of my skin. I expected to see Cas but then remembered that Cas didn't need doors so hoped above anything else that it wasn't someone or something here to kill me.

When I saw it was Dean, I breathed out but then frowned. 'I thought you were going.'

'I was. I am. When Bobby comes back.'

'Where's he gone?' I tried knowing I wasn't going to get an answer that meant anything.

'Just to take care of something. You want a coke?'

'Yeah thanks.'

I had to ask. Not knowing was killing me. This was my brother and something was going on and I wanted to know what it was, I wanted to help him. 'Dean, is everything okay? I know you don't want to tell me but I can handle it, I can.'

'Everything's fine. We need to stock this fridge with some beer. When was the last time you had a beer Sammy?'

I did a quick calculation in my head 'Oh about a hundred and twenty years ago.' I meant it as a joke but it stopped Dean in his tracks and made his eyes water and his face drain. 'Sorry, that was a stupid thing to say.'

He didn't answer. Instead it looked like he was the one that was going to throw up – or pass out – or choke.

'Dean, I was just kidding around.' What an effed up idiot I was. He had been in the room for only seconds and I had singlehandedly gotten him so stressed out that he could hardly even stand. 'Dean?'

He slowly stepped over to my bed and sat down. He was someplace else. He wasn't here with me. 'Dean!' and I hoped to God, he wasn't putting himself back in that place and thinking about what eighty more years would have felt like. 'Dean!' I moved over to him and shook his shoulder. 'Please!'

All he was doing was staring straight ahead – just sitting upright and staring straight ahead, focusing on nothing, not even me. 'I'm sorry. Dean, please.'

I didn't get it, he would have known this. This wasn't a surprise; it couldn't have been a shock. He knew the deal. I had been down there for close to a year, this wasn't new information, but I guessed hearing me actually say the words made it feel like the first time for him and I wanted to hurt myself for making him feel this way.

I reached over to my phone sitting on the bedside table and dialed Bobby's number. I needed help with this and quick.

'Sam?'

'Bobby. Something's wrong with Dean.'

'What?'

'No. Sam-' I heard Dean finally speak. 'It's okay. Tell Bobby I'm okay.'

'What's going on Sam?' Bobby questioned.

'It's okay. He's okay.' I hung up the phone and looked at my brother who could at least blink now. 'I'm sorry.'

Without saying a word he grabbed hold of me and pulled me in for another mother of a tight hug. He clutched onto me for dear life and once again both of us cried into each other's shoulders right until Bobby stepped back into the room.

_**Dean**_

By the time I got home, I had one hell of a headache and two burning, red and swollen eyes. That was not what Lisa was expecting and instead of asking why or telling me off for being later than she was hoping for, she hugged me and led me into the living room.

Her eyes were exactly the same as mine and I hated myself for being the cause of that. More than that, I hated that she had been thinking my actions were because of anything other than what they were.

'How's Ben?' I asked when we sat down on the couch together.

'He's good. I called him before. Mum and dad are with him now and he has had some friends go in. I was thinking I will go in after…this.'

'I'll come.'

She smiled in nothing but relief, as if she was happy that this talk wasn't going to be a break up.

'What's happening Dean?'

Ok, so here I go.

'Well, Bobby came to visit, that is true and he is staying at the motel and I have been spending time with him. The reason I didn't turn up to work and I had the argument with Steve was because…' How was I going to say this? I had mentally practiced on the drive home but my head had been thumping so hard that it had gotten worse, not better and I hadn't been able to think as clearly as I wanted. 'Lis…'

'What is it?' She was panicking now fully anticipating something massive and probably something bad.

'This is going to sound so strange to you and it is, I'm not denying it but I just need you to understand okay? The other day…' I took another breath in. 'The other day I found out that Sam was back.'

She blinked. Then she frowned. Her head tilted but then straightened. 'What?'

'He's back. Somehow he was brought back to life and he's staying at the same motel as Bobby.'

'How? Dean are you sure? I mean, maybe he wasn't ever killed. Maybe-'

'No, he was. Lis, I was there remember, I saw it for myself. It sounds crazy I know but you know what kind of life I led, you know what we used to deal with – I mean I have died before and I-'

'No-Dean- don't tell me that. I can't even hear that.'

'He's alive Lis. My brother is alive.'

'Oh my God.'

'But the thing is…'

'What?'

'He -.' I let my breath out. Even saying the words that she wasn't going to believe were too hard for me just after the reality of how long my little brother had been suffering had been beaten over my head. 'He had a real tough time of it and he's not coping too well. He's scared to leave the motel, he's not eating right, he let himself go…I mean, he can't even handle being out in public. He's doing it hard and I've been trying to help him but half the time I'm making it worse and then with this with Ben… and my job and…us…'

'You've been trying to juggle everything.'

I nodded 'And nothing is working.'

'You've been great with Ben.'

'I haven't spent enough time with the kid. I'm sorry.'

'It's fine. He hasn't even noticed. It was just me- but now that I know, I can see why. It's just so hard to believe though. I mean I didn't even know this was possible. It _seemed_ like you didn't either.'

'Oh I knew it was possible, but before…before he died Sammy made me promise I wouldn't try to bring him back and I thought the only way he would be was if I could do it because I didn't think anyone else would, and I didn't think he could.' I shook my head. 'I know this isn't making any sense to you but its true and I just thought it was time for you to know. I hope it explains everything.'

She nodded. 'It does.'

And then I told her the truth about the money, how I hadn't leant it to Bobby but how I had spent it on Sam. She didn't respond to that with anything but a 'Fair enough.'

And then I told her how Bobby had given us five thousand dollars.

'We can't pay that back.'

'He doesn't want us to.'

'Oh Dean, we can't just take it.'

'He won't take it back. He already said so. Bobby's like a second father to us. Hell, in some ways he's been more of a father to us than our own one.' Saying that always made me feel as guilty as hell but I had grown to know that was fact. If I didn't admit it, I was only doing a disservice to Bobby and he never deserved that. 'It's a gift and he basically ordered me to swallow my pride and take it. And this time I have, because hell, we really need to.'

'He sounds lovely.'

'He is.'

'I would love to meet him…and see Sam again; meet him properly too. Do you think they would want that?'

I wasn't sure if she was testing me or if she needed proof. I wasn't even sure if she was being on the level and genuinely wanted to see them both because she believed me, but something in me told me it was a good idea. It would probably be really good for Sammy to come over and see inside the house and meet Lisa. It would also give him a chance to get out of that room without being surrounded by hoards of strangers.

'I'll ask them.' I smiled.

'Ask them for dinner. Whenever you want.'

_(To be continued...)_


	11. Chapter 11

_**Thank you to the people who continue to review. I'm always interested to read what you think. :) **_

**Chapter 11**

_**Dean**_

Okay so maybe I could do this. Maybe all of us could find a way for me to juggle everyone at once.

Lisa and I were finally back to being on the same page, Ben was coming home today and when I had dropped in to check on Sammy in the morning he was looking a little better.

He was genuinely happy for me when I assured him Lisa and I had talked and worked things out. Even when I told him she had invited him and Bobby over for dinner he had nodded and smiled. Yeah, okay sure, his back straightened and he stopped breathing for a split second but I swore he was open to it. With a little bit more of a push he would be sitting at my dining room table socializing with my girlfriend and her son...and I was pumped. I couldn't wait to bring them all together. That was a dream come true for me.

I decided it was going to happen in two days from now. That would give Ben some time to settle back in at home with his new lifestyle plan and give me a chance to get Sammy feeling okay about leaving his room and being out with other people.

It would also give me a chance to get his hair cut.

Contrary to what he believed, that wasn't for mine or Lisa's or even Ben's benefit; it was for his own. I had seen his embarrassment and shame due to his appearance and it was not doing him any good. In fact it was holding him back and God knows he needed to feel better about himself before I could even get him in the car to take him around to my place.

Only he didn't agree, he told me he wasn't ready and he told me once again that if I was so desperate to get his hair cut then Bobby could do it. Bobby recoiled before I could even put a stop to that thought, bless him. Sam didn't get it. His hair style wasn't one you could just buzz cut.

'Then let's make it one.' He suggested with enthusiasm, like it was the greatest idea of all time.

I pulled a face. 'Dude, that wouldn't suit you at all.' Not at all.

'I don't need it to suit me; I just need it shorter right?'

'Sammy, for your sake, you need both.'

'Dean for my sake, I need you or Bobby to do it. Please?'

'No buddy. It will be fine. You'll see.' I checked my watch, I had promised Lisa I would meet her at the hospital in twenty minutes time to pick up Ben and I still had to get there and find a parking spot which sometimes took freaking ages in that place. To put it simply; I was in a hurry. 'We'll get you in and before you know it, it'll will be done. Over - and you'll wonder what all the stress was about.' He didn't look all that convinced. 'Bobby and I will be right there with you.' When his face further turned into pre-complete-panic mode I put up a hand, 'Sammy, you will be fine. There's nothing to worry about. It's just a haircut.'

'But listen to me. I'm telling you I can't do it Dean.'

'You can. I'll pick you up at eleven tomorrow morning okay? Be ready. See ya Bobby.'

When I took another look at my brother I saw nothing but a deer caught in the headlights. 'Try to get out of the room today. Go for a walk or something. It might help.'

_**Sam**_

He didn't get it. He just did not get it. Neither did Bobby. No one did.

First of all I had no idea how I was going to be able to get through dinner with Lisa and Ben. I didn't even know how I was going to walk through the front door of that house. It wasn't because I was too scared to leave my motel room. It was because of those feelings I would feel when I saw the place again. Not only did it symbolize my brother's life without me for a year but it also symbolized something more. For those two weeks when we had been separated, I had always been on the outside looking in. It was a house where Dean belonged but where I never did and the emotions that stirred in me because of that were nothing good. It just reminded me of how completely lost and alone I had felt during that time and made me think of all the torturous minutes I had looked in at my brother who I didn't feel like I could get to - who I never thought I could get to - living his new life without me.

Yes I know only a few days ago it was somewhere I couldn't keep away from but now it was somewhere I couldn't face. I wanted to meet Lisa probably as much as she wanted to meet me, but right then it was too hard and too soon and I don't think Dean realized that.

Something else Dean didn't realize; there was no way in the world I could go into town and get my frickin hair cut! Was he insane? Had he lost his freaking mind? How did he expect me to sit in a salon with someone smothering me like that? I had a hard enough time walking into a store with three people in it let alone somewhere thousands of people and kids would be stepping in and out of, surrounding me, crowding me, enveloping me. Uggh! No way. As if some loud and over-confident stranger in my face making stupid small talk that I couldn't respond too while getting up close and personal with a pair of scissors around my head wasn't bad enough, he wanted me to do it around all those other people as well?

I couldn't do it. I already knew I couldn't do it and I didn't understand why no one was listening to me.

I just wished they would listen to me.

'Bobby please?' I begged him as soon as he shut and locked the door.

'Please what? And don't go asking me to cut your hair Sam. If I so much as took a step towards you with a pair of scissors, your brother would have my head.'

'No he wouldn't.'

The expression on his face made it clear to me that he was questioning my sanity.

'Bobby – '

'Come on.' He was already changing the subject again with a clap of his hands. 'Let's get you out of this room. Get your jacket; we're going for a walk.'

'But -'

'Just a walk Sam. Just like you did before me or your brother even got here. You can go for a walk can't you.' It wasn't really a question. It was more of a statement.

'Fine. Just let me go to the bathroom first.'

'Okay. Meet me at my room. Just going to get my other phone.'

'Okay.'

oOoOoOo

Once I had done it and realized I couldn't do anything to undo it, instead of feeling any kind of relief, all I felt was deep regret. Jesus, I had really screwed up this time and there was not a damn thing I could do about it.

'Sam!' Bobby called from the other side of the door about half an hour later. 'You alright in there?' What's taking you?' I didn't answer because I couldn't answer. All I could do was lean against the bathroom wall and close my eyes. Bobby was going to kill me and then once he had finished, Dean was going to kill me.

Well, either that or they were going to do something worse; they were going to worry about me even more. This was going to freak them out as much as it was freaking me out, I had no doubt - and that sucked. So very badly.

Bobby tried the door but I had locked it as soon as I stepped in back when I thought this was a good idea, my only idea; my only out. 'Sam!' The bang he thumped made me jump and shocked me back to reality. I had to answer him or he would think something was physically wrong with me. He was already starting to panic.

'I'm okay.'

'Sam, open the door. Now.'

When I outstretched my hand to turn the handle, I noticed it was shaking. 'Just don't freak out okay?' I said to both of us.

Silence.

Then he got it. 'Oh no Sam, tell me you didn't.'

Even though I well and truly heard the dread in his voice, not having to say the words made me feel a little lighter. I let him mentally prepare for a few seconds before opening the door. It gave me a chance to do the same thing. God knows I needed to.

When he laid eyes on my freshly cut hair, he didn't gasp, all he did was take a small breath in and then let it out. 'Give me the scissors.' He surprised me by saying. It wasn't said in an angry tone, it was just an order, so I obliged without question and then waited for his next command. 'Come and sit down.'

He stepped around me while I sat dead still on my seat at the table, lifting up chunks of my hair, snipping bits here and there and not saying a single word. I appreciated him for not yelling. He was just helping me, just doing his best to fix my mess all over again.

'How bad is it?' I asked when I built up the nerve to speak and also the nerve to hear the answer.

'Honestly, it's not too bad at all. You did a good job as far as I can tell.' I felt him lift up another chunk, heard the next snip and wondered if he was lying to me to make me feel better.

'I couldn't do it Bobby. I'm sorry. I just couldn't go to a hairdresser.'

'I can see that.'

'You're pissed at me.'

'No.'

'Worried about me?'

'Yes.'

Another snip.

'Me too.'

I heard him sigh from his position behind me. He placed down the scissors and pulled out the chair next to me. Once he had sat down he put his hand on my shoulder and smiled which caused my eyes to water. I was so messed up and I didn't know how I was going to come through it. I had just taken another ten thousand steps back.

'You're going to be okay. I promise you.'

'You can't promise me that.' I kind of laughed. After what all of us had been through he should have known all too well that he couldn't promise me that.

'As long as you have Dean and me here, you are going to be okay. I promise you.'

I would have loved to believe him - more than anything - and he was saying the words with so much passion and surety. Thing was though there was no way I could depend on that. Not that I didn't believe they wouldn't try because I knew they would, but just because I believed one of us was going to be taken from the other two again. I didn't know who it was going to be this time or why but I just knew it was going to be one of us.

It was just a matter of time.

_**Dean**_

Man it was great to have the little guy out of that hospital bed and back with us...and he was doing okay too. Once the doctors had reiterated to him that with some preparation he was all cool to keep on playing sports and probably as cool to play as hard as he had been - if he kept aware and on top of any warning signs - he was eager to get out and back into it.

Instead of actually playing on the day of his release though, Lisa and I took him to a baseball game. He loved spectating as much as he did playing and it had been awhile since Lisa had come along with us. She had little to no interest in it unless her son was actually playing but after his health scare she vowed she would come to watch more if that meant she could spend time with him and be there to see him smile.

If only Sammy could have been with us too. Man, for me, that would have been perfect, having my brother here with us.

It was going to happen one day too, I would make sure of it. Looking around I knew it was going to be awhile off though; the crowd that surrounded us was huge. There was no way he could deal with all these people just yet. I truly wished I could convince him that he needed to get out and do things like this. I wanted to see him have a bit of fun for once, really let loose and relax – escape –free himself from all the crap he was carrying and just breathe. It would do him the world of good.

Just the thought made me smile. I couldn't wait for the day when I could take him to a game and see him cheering and laughing and enjoying himself with me by his side doing exactly the same thing.

I just could not wait and it would happen. It would. He was already getting better.

It was just a matter of time.

_(to be continued…)_


	12. Chapter 12

**A _MASSIVE _thanks to T.L. Arens who - after I asked - gave me some fantastic writing advice and gave me a push to make something start to happen (NOW) with this story. Check out her stuff if you can, she is a fantastic writer. **

**Thanks again to everyone who reviews. I love hearing what you guys have to say. Very much appreciated. Probably more than you know. :)**

_***T.L. Arens; I hope I got your meaning and improved somewhat. Might take a little time, but I am trying!**_

**Chapter 12**

_**Sam**_

How was I going to face Dean?

That was the question that ran through my head all freaking night.

The answer came to me at around nine in the morning. I had to quit being so pathetic. Plain and simple.

He was going to freak out when he found out. I mean, I'd taken to my own hair with worn scissors - so that was a given, but if I could swing it so he believed I was okay with it, then maybe he would be too.

This was it. No longer was I going to be a burden on anyone. No longer was I going to be a weak, useless and frightened shell of a man. It was time to pull myself up and grow a pair.

It was time to be Sam Winchester again; Hunter, fighter, brother.

Yes. I would make Dean proud of me whether I had crappy hair or not. I was determined.

'Hello?'

'Dean.' I said into the phone with strength behind my voice. I liked the sound of it.

'Hey, how're you doing buddy?' Came his sensitive response. Yesterday I would have loved hearing that tone, today it irked me. I should never have needed it.

'Good, you?'

'Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on? Everything okay?'

'Yeah, everything's fine.' Okay I would be lying if I didn't admit the nerves were kicking in; they were, but I forced myself to keep strong. 'I don't need my hair cut today.'

'Sam-' He sighed.

'I don't need it because I cut it myself.'

Silence.

_Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong._

'You what?'

'I cut it myself. Looks okay. So I was thinking –'

'Hold on a sec. What the hell are you telling me here?'

'Don't freak out. I was thinking we could go somewhere else.' Was I talking too fast? I think I was talking too fast. 'Like you want to get a drink or something?'

'I'll be right there.'

Beep.

He had hung up.

'What was that?' Bobby frowned at me as I put my phone back in my pocket. He seemed confused.

I shrugged. 'I have to go out sooner or later right?'

'Right.' Yes, he was definitely confused.

'So no time like the present.' I sat down at the table and poured myself an orange juice. 'You coming with?'

'Where?' He asked slowly. Way slower than he usually spoke.

'Wherever we go.'

'You know, I think it might be a good idea if it's just the two of you today. I have a few things I want to do anyway.'

'Okay.' Whatever. I eyed the door. I could walk out of it, I could. Getting in the impala was no problem either and walking into a bar was simple a year ago. It could be simple again.

I was Sam Winchester and Sam Winchester could walk into a bar.

_**Dean**_

What the freaking hell was going on?

'I have to go.' I said to Lisa even though she needed me to look at her car.

'But the noises.'

'I'll check them out tonight. '

'What's wrong?'

'That's what I want to know.' I grabbed my keys and bolted out the front door. I didn't think to kiss her goodbye or tell her where I was going. I didn't even call out to Ben. All I did was jump in the impala and speed over to my brother's motel room.

'He's in the bathroom.' Bobby raised his eyebrows as he stepped past me. 'I'll be in my room.'

'But what…?' He was actually walking off on me. 'Bobby!'

No answer.

I flung the door back and heard it bang shut. Great, that probably scared my brother knowing the condition he was in…although I wasn't even sure of the condition he was in anymore. He sounded strange on the phone; determined and sharp. I hadn't heard him like that for a long while. That was the old Sam, definitely not the new one; definitely not the broken one.

'Sammy!'

Not sure of what to expect when the bathroom door opened, I prepared myself. This was going to be interesting to say the least.

'Hey.' He actually smiled; full dimples, full teeth, full smile. When he walked over to the fridge, he did it with a straight back and a confident stride. I almost forgot to check his hair. From this distance, it looked good though. It looked like it normally did. For a moment, I was seeing my brother; just how he used to be. Maybe a little thinner, but the flash of the past almost knocked me over. God, it felt like a miracle.

'Cas!' I exclaimed finally getting it.

Sammy spun around in every direction. 'Where?'

'No. Cas. He fixed you?'

Only laughing – like actually laughing – he said, 'No he didn't fix me.'

'Then…' I could only say what I was feeling; 'What's going on?'

'Nothing's going on. You want a coke?'

'No. Come here.'

He did so without question. I motioned for him to sit down. Even though my head was spinning, I managed to check out his hair properly. Okay, on closer inspection I could tell how uneven and jagged it was but it was sitting okay. Maybe he was okay because it was sitting okay.

Yeah?

Maybe?

It was possible right?

'Bobby fixed it up for me.' He stood up and screwed the lid off his bottle of coke. 'So you wanna go to the bar in town?'

He was freaking me out; like literally freaking me out. 'You can't go to a hairdresser but you can go to a bar?'

'Yeah.' He said so matter-of-factly I almost believed him.

I had to sit down. This was too weird and I wondered if I was stuck in some crazy alternate universe. If Zachariah wasn't dead I would be positive he had sent me flying into some other unreal world to teach me some other unwanted lesson. But he _was _dead so…Oh God, maybe it was another djinn. That was possible. Seeing Sammy like this was a definite wish of mine.

Yeah, it was definitely a mother-effing djinn. Dammit to hell!

'So we going or what?'

My brother's voice snapped me back into reality. I checked my watch. 'Sammy, it's not even ten o'clock.'

'Oh, okay. Then what do you want to do?'

'Talk about what is going on with you.'

He tilted his head like a curious puppy. 'What do you mean?'

'What do you mean what do I mean?' I frowned.

'Huh?'

'Yesterday you couldn't leave the room, today you can't wait to leave.'

'Yeah.'

A haircut couldn't have this affect on him, surely. Could it?

Could it?

_**Sam**_

Now that I had made up my mind to leave the room, I really wanted to get out. The walls were beginning to crowd in on me, everything seemed so closed in and constricted. Outside seemed so appealing and I wanted to feel the breeze blow through me again. Let's go already. It was time to go.

Dean still hadn't completely recuperated from the shock of my new attitude. I kind of felt bad that he was having so much trouble keeping up but I could see his hope and I could feel my own. I had to keep it up. I couldn't slow it down. I was ready to bite the bullet and just do this, so I had to do it now.

'I know!' I beamed. 'We could see a movie first. Anything out?' I hadn't been to a movie in …oh my God, over a century. I felt like seeing a movie.

'I don't know.'

'Or you want a coffee? Have you had breakfast?'

'Yeah. Okay, look,' he said shaking his head, 'why don't we go into town and just have a walk around for a bit? See how we go.'

'Okay, great. I'll just grab my jacket.'

_I could do this, I could do this, I could. Yes I could. I was a normal person who could do normal things. And if I did normal things I would make my brother smile and he would forget what I had done and then maybe I could as well._

Okay so I flinched a bit when the motel door closed behind us and I swallowed the lump in my throat when I clipped my seat belt in. The people to the right of us were best left unseen, so I smiled at Dean as I watched him turn the ignition.

The poor guy was worried about everything, it was written all over his face, but I would soon show him he had no reason to be. Once I was walking the streets through crowds of people, he would…

Oh God.

I couldn't think of crowds of people. I was too thin and my hair was all ragged. They would stare at me and then I would see them whispering and laughing and talking about me. I couldn't do this. What was I thinking? There was no damn way.

The next person I saw made me shut my eyes.

We weren't even out of the car park yet.

'You okay?' Dean nearly growled.

_I was Sam Winchester; hunter, fighter, brother. Sam Winchester. Sam Winchester._

_The devil child. Tainted – stained – contaminated._

'Sammy?'

_Wake up. Snap out of it. Come on Sam. You can do this, you have to do this._

I looked at my brother and smiled while I willed myself to dig deep enough to find the old me again.

'You okay?'

'Yeah, I'm fine.' I smiled wider wishing I believed it.

Trying so hard to make Dean believe it.

If he believed it, I could believe it.

If I believed it, he could believe it.

We had to believe it.

_**Dean**_

Dude, this was freaking me out. I didn't like this one bit – which pissed me off because it was exactly what I had been wishing for, but it wasn't real, I could see that. I wasn't blind or stupid.

My brother was trying too hard to fake this and if he wasn't, then he was fooling himself. I didn't know what to do. Was I doing the right thing going along with this? I had no frickin idea but it felt like I had a loose canon on my hands and I didn't much like the fact that this loose canon was my little brother.

I wanted to handle with care but he didn't seem up for that. I wanted to stand in front of him and tell him he didn't have to do this, but he did – I think.

Did he?

I kind of wished Bobby was with us but then I understood why he wasn't. Two confused idiots trying to handle this effed up situation, pulling in different directions would not do Sam any good. I already knew that.

I pretended not to notice the monumental breath he inhaled when he stepped out of the car and onto the footpath. I acted like I didn't see him avoid making eye contact with the couple that stepped past us holding hands. He was struggling, that was for sure, yet every time he saw me looking at him I witnessed a wave of power – or strength - wash over him. He was doing this for my sake as much as for his own. That should have made me happy and it did make me proud but God dammit, it got me worried. If he failed this, how was he going to cope with that? And failing this was a massive possibility because I wasn't sure he was ready.

Actually I was sure he wasn't ready.

So we kept in step with each other, looking into the store windows but seeing nothing. There was so much else going on that shoes and food and music was the last thing to break through our heads.

I could see the bar up ahead on the other side of the road. I knew I needed a beer and right now it didn't matter to me that it was still the morning. I wondered if it mattered to Sam. We both hadn't drunk this early for a long time; he longer than me, but with the way I was feeling, it was where we had to head and once again, I didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing.

When two teenage girls stepped past and admired my brother with coy yet flirtatious giggles, he jumped back so far and so fast he almost knocked me off my feet.

If that was even a small sign of things to come, then I really wanted to lock the both of us up in that motel room myself.

What the hell was this day going to bring? I was petrified to find out.

_(to be continued...)_


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

_**Sam**_

Man, I'd forgotten how great a beer tasted. Buying a case should have been my second stop all those days ago. If it was maybe I wouldn't be such a crazy, edgy mess. Thinking back it amazed me I hadn't even thought of it. Especially now I remembered how the stuff could calm me. So weird. First Dean, second beer. It was the most logical step.

Downing the first glass before Dean took his second gulp earned me another anxious glare. If only I could convince him this was a good thing. I was having a few beers with my brother in public. Granted, there were only five other people in the place - total. But they were five more people than I could have coped with yesterday. Things were finally looking up.

'Slow it down a bit.' Dean ordered when I gulped down another half a glass. It was a good idea of mine to get two at once. At the time it was purely so Dean wouldn't leave me alone to order more; now I was just glad it was already waiting for me.

Another glass down.

More.

Could I go to the bar and order another two? The way Dean was frowning at me made it quite clear I had no chance of encouraging him to get me another. If those two big, burly guys would just sit at a table instead of those stools, I reckon I could do it. They didn't look like they intended to move though. Maybe if I stood at the other end of the bar. I mean the barman would think I was a bit strange, but beats being so close to those men. That could work.

'Want another?' I asked Dean looking from the bar to him and then back to the bar. It wasn't really all that far to be honest. I could do this.

'Does it look like I need another?'

I had to get that frown off his face. Then we could finally relax and enjoy ourselves. It was about time.

We were sitting by the window in the far back corner. It was my choice; I led him to this particular table. When I saw it, I thought it was more out of eyeline than any of the others but the moment we sat down I suddenly felt constricted by the corner yet too exposed by the window. How both those things were possible at once I couldn't really explain but either way, I was proud of myself for not running away.

I stood up and took a step. Was it possible to take a huge breath without actually taking a huge breath? I think I did that. One foot in front of the other; that's all I had to do. Not hard. Very possible. Time to try. Just use that newfound confidence; even if it was alcohol induced. Whatever worked. One foot in front of the other. Go. Every single person's eyes were on me, as if they all knew my secret. It nearly made me turn around and hide behind the security of my brother but it was too late; I had to keep going and so I did.

'Hey man.' Some guy nodded as he stepped past with his own beer.

'Hey.' I smiled back. Okay so that wasn't so bad. He was nice.

There was no way I could get further than the closest edge of the bar. Luckily for me, the barman was already walking over to that side. 'Another three.' I said to him. Easy enough. He smiled and complied. The waiting was tough but within a minute I was making my way back to our table, the tray somewhat shielding me. I'd done it.

'Is one of those for me?' Dean asked as I placed the tray on my side of the table.

'I didn't think you wanted one yet.'

I'd done it. I mean I'd really done it.

'So you brought three for yourself?'

'Yeah.' Three - It saved having to do it again for awhile.

_**Dean**_

'Hey guys. Want a game?' Some dude holding a cue stick asked. I hadn't even noticed him approach our table; I was too busy watching my brother take his final gulp of his seventh beer.

Before I looked up at him I caught Sam raising his next glass. 'Ah, no man, we're cool. Thanks anyway.'

'Just one game.'

'No. We're cool.'

'Let's do it.' Sam said shocking me to the core. So the beer was having the desired effect I see. Damn it to hell. This was dangerous. Sure I wanted him feeling good enough to converse with people, but having it happen under the influence of alcohol was not the way I wanted it to go down.

'I don't think so.' I smiled at the guy who refused to take a hint or a straight out "_No"_ and glared at my brother.

'We'll be over in a minute.' Sam slurred. 'Set it up.'

'Excellent.' The guy wanted to hustle. I could see it in his eyes; it was the same look I had when I targeted drunken suckers. No way in the world was I going to let my brother go up against these chuckleheads. I could only shake my head when the jerk finally stepped away with a smirk on his face. At least I was never that obvious.

Idiot.

Sam was looking a little too proud of himself. 'These guys want to hustle.' I told him leaning over the table.

'So let's hustle back. Make some money.'

'No freakin way.'

'For old time's sake.'

Was he aiming for my heart when he stabbed me with those words? 'No Sammy.'

'Come on Dean.'

'No. No way.'

'Fine. Then I will. Gonna have to do this on my own from now on anyway.' He stood up too fast and almost fell backwards. The wall was the only thing that saved him. When I bolted up and reached to help him, he shoved my hands away with his own and went to take a step.

'Sam sit down.'

'No, I'm going.' He was drunk out of his mind. He made another move and when I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back, he frowned. 'Dean I can do this!' So he had something to prove. Okay I got that but this wasn't the way. These guys were in it for the fight and if I knew one thing; my brother was not ready for a fight with these bozos.

Unfortunately that meant he had to fight me.

'Sit down or we're leaving. Sammy I mean it.'

'No.' He tried his hardest to rip his arm out of my grip but he was so weakened by his state – his every state – that it didn't work. 'Dean, don't.'

'I told you to sit down, so sit down.' I was not playing around. The last thing I wanted to do was use brute force with the kid, but if he wasn't going to listen to my words, maybe he would listen to my hands shoving him down into his chair. Hard.

Thankfully he listened to my words. What a relief. Only now he was sulking and frowning and depressed. Yay for us!

Woo-frickin-hoo!

'You want to go back to the motel?' I sighed rubbing my eye.

'No, I want to play pool.'

'That's not a good idea. Maybe another day.'

This time he leant over the table to scowl at me. 'Don't you want me to get better?'

Was he kidding me or was that a trick question? 'Losing all your money and getting beat up by these losers is no way to get better Sam.'

'I don't have much money left Dean. I got what? Like twenty if that.'

'Fine.' I reached into my back pocket, flicked through Bobby's cash and slammed two hundred dollar notes on the table. 'Now you have money.'

'I'm not taking yours.' He pushed it away.

I pushed it back. 'Take it.'

'No.'

'Sam, Take it. I mean it. Take it. And when you run out of that, come to me again. I don't want you hustling pool.'

'It never worried you before.'

'Yeah, well it worries me now.' I thought it was a fair enough statement but when Sammy recoiled so intensely and I saw that kicked puppy dog expression that always ripped my heart into a million pieces wipe across his face, I regretted my words instantly. 'You know what I mean.'

'We're ready.' Announced the idiot, bozo, loser eyeing the money still on the table.

'Dude, I told you. We're not interested.' I exclaimed getting sick of the sight of his face.

'Not what your friend said.'

'It doesn't matter what I said.' Sam grumbled.

'Sam.' My warning tone was back. Everyone was pissing me off. Why wasn't this dude leaving and why was my brother so determined to screw himself up? 'Dude, leave us alone. Go find some other jokers to hustle. Sam, let's go'

'I don't want to go.'

'Tough. We're going. Get up.' Snatching up the cash before Bozo could, I crumpled it into my back pocket. I would force my brother to take it later; when we weren't being watched. 'Sam, move it.'

He didn't move a muscle; just kept staring at his glass. Why oh why was he doing this? 'Excuse me.' I said more politely than I meant to the guy who refused to budge. He left me no choice but to push past him to get to my brother. Well, I wouldn't say '_no choice'_, I mean I could have stepped around him but he was being an idiot so I wanted to shove him.

Thing was he wanted to shove me as well.

_**Sam**_

Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit. Dean and this guy were fighting. Punching and shoving and – Oh God. Blood. There was blood and it was spurting from Dean's bottom lip. Everything was happening too fast and by the time I stood up there was another guy hitting into him as well.

I had to do something; had to get him out of there. Had to get these guys off him and run away. The second I tried was the second the bigger guy slammed me back into the wall with a complimentary punch right across my face.

'You son of a bitch! You leave him alone!' I heard Dean shriek in a fit of rage.

I forgot how much that hurt. Though not as much as –

_Flashback._

_One body._

_Two minds. _

_Two souls._

_One fight._

_The Devil._

_The Devil and I._

I shook my head. No. No no no. No. Another hit and I was down. All I could feel was the floor under me and the walls against me. Dean was yelling something and all the movement around me caused me to sink further into myself.

_Flashback._

_Surrounding, covering, smothering._

_Trying, working._

_Failing._

_Devil scorned._

'Dean!' I screamed hearing my own horrified terror vibrate through my petrified scream. I couldn't save him. I wanted to but I couldn't move. My body wouldn't allow it and my eyes wouldn't open. The alcohol made my mind swirl and the blackness spin. I had to help him. How could I help him?

'Dean!' I screamed again.

'Sammy it's okay.' I heard him but he was hurting. I could hear it in his voice. His words jolted as he was being punched; breathless and pained. I felt him so close to me which could only mean he was down. Dean was down. My brother was down.

_Flashback_

_Fight. Keep fighting._

_Never give up._

_You can do it. _

_You have to do it._

_You can win._

_You will win._

'Dean!' All I could do was screech his name.

'It's okay.' He groaned after a sound that indicated a kick to his guts. All I could see was blackness, though I was visualizing it all. My eyes wouldn't open; they didn't want to see but I was seeing it anyway. My imagination was stringing the pieces together.

If I could see, I could help. If I could see, I could help. If I could see, I could help.

Finally I willed my eyes to open; two against one with Dean fighting a losing battle. I found it in myself to push myself up.

_Fight. Keep Fighting. _

I grabbed hold of the bigger guy by the back of his collar and pulled him back just as he was aiming his next kick to my brother's side. He fell into me but instead of tumbling back with him, I jerked my foot out causing him to trip over it. For the minute, he was out of the way.

_Never give up._

Next one. He was still punching but Dean was punching back. He never gave up. Dean would fight till the end. I had to be the same. So much movement. Mind whirling. A break, finally. Push through and punch. Just keep punching.

_You can do it. You have to do it._

More blood oozing from Dean's mouth; he was struggling. This guy wasn't giving up either; he was beating into my brother while pushing me away. How was he doing both? I was in a better position to pull him away though so I had to be the one to do it. I was standing at least, not defending myself while attempting to attack from the timber floor like Dean was. If only he stopped moving. I had to do it. I had to save my brother. Got him. Yes. Now pull back. Pull him back into yourself.

_You can win._

Two on me now. At least they weren't pounding on Dean anymore. More pain shooting through my jaw and body. These guys were touching me, hurting me, smothering me. I wanted to scream out to leave us alone but instead my fists flew and my legs kicked. The room kept on spinning.

I could hear Dean yelling, but I didn't understand what he was saying. I saw that he was up though; up and trying to pull these men off me.

I was hurting, that was true. But I had been hurt worse than this. So had he.

We could beat this; we could win.

We could, we had won against much worse.

These maggots were nothing. Nothing. No match for the Winchester brothers. No match at all.

Power overtook the both of us when our eyes searched out and found each other's. It was a kind of knowing assurance that if we worked together again, if we found our inner strength; if I could find more of mine, we could beat them. They might have us down right at this moment but they could never keep us down. Not as long as we were working together.

Once we were in the zone, we were a force to be reckoned with.

It was these guys's turn to go down and they were going down.

There was nothing more I was sure of.

_You will win._

Yes we will. Me and my brother; together. We will win.

_(to be continued…)_


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

_**Dean**_

'Oh my God Dean!'

Before I had the chance to shut the front door, Lisa rushed over to me and traced the marks on my face.

'I'm okay.' I mumbled unable to open my mouth properly due to my swollen and broken bottom lip. My face was a hideous mix of red, purple and blue blemishes, it must have scared her to crap but the only thing on my mind was the aspirin in the cupboard above the fridge.

'What the hell happened?'

'Fight.' I loosely took hold of her wrists and lowered them. I didn't want her to know her touch was hurting me so I clasped my fingers through hers and said, 'It's okay.'

'Come and sit down. Let me take care of this.'

I followed her into the living room and sat down on my usual chair. She was welcome to take care of me because I certainly didn't have the energy. It took everything I had to make sure Sam was medicated, treated and snuggled up in bed. Bobby helped thank God, but it was hard work being in the condition I was, it exhausted me. It was a miracle I even made it home. Those guys had worked me over good.

'Where's Ben? Didn't he have a day off school today?'

'He's at Steve's for lunch.'

'Good.' He didn't need to see me like this. He had more to worry about than me turning up bloodied and beaten. Thank God he was out. Hold on. 'Lunch? What's he having for lunch?'

'Don't worry about that. I told Bev what he can and can't have. It's fine. It's handled.' She shook her head at me and looked at me with concern. 'God Dean. Maybe you should go to a doctor.'

'No, I don't need a doctor. Just aspirin – please.'

'Okay.' She nodded and stepped out of the room leaving me to lean my head back on the couch and close my sore and puffy eyes. I hadn't been in this much pain for fricken months. I smiled. It was kind of a great feeling in a lot of ways; so familiar, so normal.

So fricken painful.

'Here.' She handed me the pills with a glass of cold water and unzipped the first aid kit. For a moment I wondered if she even knew what to do with it, but then I remembered she was a mother with a sports nut for a kid. Of course she knew. I had seen her use it before myself; just never on me.

'Who did you get into a fight with?' She asked as she went to work. I closed my eyes and answered.

'Some jerks. Trying to rip us off by hustling pool.'

'What did they end up like?'

'Worse.' I smiled again as I remembered back. Sammy was drunk off his head and he was losing it big time; I was sure he was at breaking point when he huddled in that corner unable to do anything but scream my name. It almost made me crumble in defeat just so those guys could give up and I could get to him, but I watched as something changed, I saw my little brother dig deep and pull himself up – for me, to save me.

Glimpses of the old Sam and our old lives played out right in front of us and we pulled together and remembered everything we knew. It didn't matter that he was weakened by experience and alcohol, it just mattered he remembered and instead of running from it, he ran with it… and we won. We beat them. We fought until it was them that gave up, until it was them that were weak and beaten, until it was them that were huddled in the corner – screaming out for _us _to stop. We kicked their asses. In the end, we kicked them but good.

'I don't want you fighting Dean.' Lisa said applying some sort of spray. I wasn't watching, my eyes wanted to stay closed and the longer I kept them closed, the more I could think about how we'd won. Me and Sam; my brother and I.

'I don't like knowing there are people out there in worse shape than you.'

'They deserved it.'

'And I don't like that you think that.'

'They were idiots.'

'They were humans.' My eyes snapped open; more out of instinct than anything. For a split second she sounded like Sammy, and for that split second I forgot he was back even though I had just been thinking about him…and the terror, God the horror I felt when he had been gone all of a sudden slammed back through me. It's okay, he was back. He really was. The relief nearly made me pass out. Thank Christ. I breathed out. Then I stood up.

'What are you doing?' Lisa frowned.

'Going back to the motel.' I nodded making my mind up. 'Gonna stay there the night.'

'What?' She looked dumbfounded. I felt sorry for her but this was something I wanted; more than anything.

'Can you pack me a bag babe?'I pushed my luck by asking.

'Why? Why can't you stay here?'

'Because Sam needs me.'

'So do we.'

I nodded, 'Sam needs me more.'

'Or do you need him more?'

_Both,_ I thought but didn't say.

_**Sam**_

God, I felt like crap. Dean was too hurt himself to realize I was only pretending to sleep. It was way too early and the pain that pulsed through my body along with the alcohol still pumping through my veins was doing nothing to help me doze.

The volume on the TV was turned down so low Bobby was struggling to hear it. His ear was tilted to grab any words he could. The poor guy - he must hate this trip. Worst trip ever I bet; stuck in here, looking after me.

'Turn it up.' I said as I sat up. 'You can't even hear it.'

'How're you feeling?' He turned to me and asked not surprised I was awake.

'Probably better than Dean.' My brother copped it worse than I did. Much worse and here he was not more than an hour ago making a fuss over me. Instead of arguing like I wanted to - it should have been me looking after him - I let him, to save prolonging his stay. He needed to get home to Lisa so he had someone to take care of him for once.

'He'll be alright.' Bobby said purely for my benefit. I could see right through him though; he was just as freaked with Dean's battered face as I was. Neither of us was used to it anymore. 'Are you? Alright?' he asked me.

'I'm fine.'

'Pretty dumb idea getting drunk.'

'Not really. It helped.'

I watched him frown but it was okay; I expected it. 'Only temporarily. You know that.'

'Temporarily is better than not at all.'

This time he turned off the TV and glared at me. 'Don't you go grabbing onto another problem Sam. Alcohol is not the answer. You are smart enough to know that.'

The hum of the impala interrupted our conversation. I frowned at Bobby while he stood up and peeked through the curtain. 'He's back.' What was he doing? He should be taking it easy, not driving around. Why didn't he call Bobby if he forgot something? The truck was here.

Probably because he wouldn't let me stay alone even if I was sleeping. He worried too much.

It ached to stand but I followed the old man to the door regardless, receiving a heavy glare from him for leaving my bed. It might have only saved three seconds in total, but I had to know why Dean was back and more importantly, I had to know how he was.

'What are you doing here?' Bobby questioned watching him shut the door lightly and slowly fling an overnight bag over his shoulder. Oh no.

'What are you doing up?' My brother frowned at me ignoring Bobby's question.

'Did you have a fight?' Was all I could reply. She couldn't have kicked him out for fighting could she?

He looked at me as if I was a lunatic and stepped past us into the room, tossing his bag on my bed. 'You know I did,' he said as he pulled out a chair from the table and winced as he sat down. 'You were with me remember?'

'No, I mean with Lisa?'

'Oh.' Using another chair for a footrest, he looked from me to Bobby and said, 'Nah.'

'Then why are you here?' Bobby asked.

He shrugged. 'It's where I want to be.'

I shouldn't have smiled. I felt like kicking myself – on my bruised shin – to really feel the pain. What a selfish bastard I was; happy hearing my own brother say those words. I mean, really, what did I want for him? To live a better life with a better family or want to be with the mess that was his brother? I should have picked door A, I know, but truth was; having him choose me today – especially when he was hurting; just rocked my world.

Totally.

He smiled back. 'Get back in bed.' He then ordered causing me to roll my eyes.

_**Dean**_

Lisa and I might not have fought but she was pissed. I had chosen my brother over her – over Ben as well and she didn't like that one bit. I couldn't blame her but I couldn't do anything about it either. At a time like this, all I wanted was my brother; to be around him, to see him, to stay with him. I loved Lisa, I did – and Ben, but it was different. It was always going to be different and when I was down like this, it was proven to me – by me – by the way I felt.

So I couldn't blame her. And I knew I would have to deal with it at some stage too. I wasn't sure what it meant for me exactly – or what it meant for us – any of us. I just knew it was the way it was.

Sam and Bobby were due to come over for dinner the very next night. Lisa had shopped for all the supplies and was pretty excited about it too. I wondered if that had changed now. I couldn't ever handle her resenting Sammy – or being bitter over the way I was feeling. To Lisa and Ben; I had done the wrong thing.

To Sam; I had made him happy.

I still pick Sam. And the guilt still ripped at my insides. There was nothing good about upsetting Lisa and I wanted to call her to make sure she was okay; to try to reassure her that I still cared and I was sorry for putting someone before her, but something stopped me and when I looked at him, I knew what that something was. That something was my brother and putting him first was all I knew. It was all I ever wanted to do.

I had nothing to apologize for.

'You look like crap.' The brat said.

'Right back at ya.'

'Both of you,' Bobby said, 'should be in bed. I'm going to see if we can get a twin room.'

'Good idea.' That way, Bobby could give up his room and stay with Sam full time.

Once he had shut the door behind him I nodded at Sam to get back in bed even if it was for only a few minutes.

'How are you doing?' he asked me once under the covers.

'Been better. Been worse too. You?'

'Same. What are they going to say about all the bruises at work?'

Work. Yeah that.

Sam waited. I looked at him. How could I change the subject? Usually I was quicker at thinking than this. Too late, he was already suspicious.

'Dean?' His marked brows knitted together.

'Don't worry about work Sammy. They'll be fine.'

'What's going on?'

'Nothing.'

'Dean, what's going on?'

He had me. 'I quit.' I shrugged.

'You what? Why?' Then it dawned on him. 'Oh no way. Don't tell me it was because of me.'

'Not because of you. I wanted time off, my boss said no; I told him where to go. Simple. He was an asshole anyway. Forget it.'

His eyes showed me he had no intention of forgetting it.

'I'm better off out of there. Trust me.' I continued in an attempt to stop him. His bed looked so comfortable. I thought about telling him to scoot over so I could take a side of it.

'You need work.'

'And I'll get it. Don't worry.'

'Where? When? What are you doing for money?'

'You don't have to worry about it Sammy.'

'You lost your job because of me, how can I not worry?'

'I didn't lose it because of you, I just told you. I lost it because I told my boss where to go. Apparently you can't do that.' I shrugged in an attempt to lighten the mood. 'Who knew?'

'Dean-'

'Scoot over. These chairs are uncomfortable.'

Oh yeah, this was better. Much more comfortable. I flicked on the TV via the remote and leaned back against the bedhead.

'Sammy,' I said as I heard Bobby turn the door handle. 'We did good today, didn't we? We rocked it.'

_(to be continued…)_


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

_**Sam**_

'Can you get me a beer or two?' I asked Bobby when he picked up his keys from our table. The room we moved into earlier was much better; bigger, brighter, seemingly newer. All three of us had space to move and now with two beds and a sofa that folded out to a bed, all three of us had somewhere to sleep. At least if Dean ever needed it, he had it. That was yet to be determined though. I wasn't sure of his plans and I don't think he was either.

Last night with him next to me, I slept okay; better than usual anyway. He had a tendency to take over the whole bed, not to mention steal the blankets. He was beat so I didn't fight him, instead I skewed my overgrown body into a position I could cope with and tried to concentrate on my breathing; just like Bobby advised me to do every night. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't but last night was a good night and I wondered if it was because I could hear my brother's breathing over my own.

Truth was I loved him staying with us, but I got the feeling Lisa didn't. It wasn't hard to notice his quick escape once Bobby and I settled into our new room. Fair enough too. I could understand her feeling shirked and deserted and hoped no friction was caused. Although I wasn't stupid; it was a given there would be some tension between them over this. He left her to come and stay with me when he needed someone the most. How was she supposed to feel? She was his partner – wasn't he supposed to need her? I bet she thought so.

And now, I had to go to her house and spend the evening with her and her son. I still wasn't looking forward to it. _Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Sam, remember me? Your boyfriend's dead brother brought back to life_. Where do I even start with that? What could I even say?

'Dean said he had beer.' Bobby said to me, pulling down his cap. He was off to the store to buy a bottle of wine for Lisa as a thank you for having us over for dinner. Dean said he had wine too. What was the difference?

'I know. I just want a couple before we go.'

There was the look I anticipated; the squint of his eyes and the tilt of his head. 'I don't know Sam. I don't like the idea of you depending on alcohol to calm your nerves,' When I didn't respond, he continued, 'and that's what you're doing isn't it?'

'Yes.'

He seemed surprised I admitted it so outright but there was no denying it; it was a cold, hard truth. Things would feel easier if I could just have a few drinks. Fact.

'Then I don't know.'

'Just two?' When the persuasive expression I use on Dean to get my way didn't seem to have the same effect, I went on, 'Most people use it to do exactly the same thing.'

'You are not most people.'

'Just two. Come on. Just tonight. Please?'

I waited as he scratched his cheek, already knowing he was giving in. 'Fine but just two and not much more tonight alright?'

I nodded.

'Now, you're sure you're okay to stay here by yourself. Tell me if you're not.'

'I'm fine. All good.' I smiled.

'Okay, be back soon and then we'll get going.'

_**Dean**_

Lisa wasn't talking to me.

Awesome.

Just what we needed when we had guests coming over. Hostile silence. Excellent.

Good times.

I had tried; I really had but no matter what I said or did, she didn't want a bar of it. All she wanted to do was bang cupboards, slam drawers and chop vegetables with such force it almost hurt my head – and all with one almighty scowl on her face. Lovely.

The expensive flowers I brought home didn't work – _flowers die just like our relationship_. The enormous box of chocolates I picked up at the specialty florist didn't work – _they were insensitive to Ben_. Fixing her flashy car in less than half an hour certainly didn't work – _that meant I wanted to get rid of her. _

What?

Really?

Women were weird.

'Do you want to make it another night?' I asked as if I was doing her the favor. I absolutely did not want Sam around this tension. No frickin way.

'Nope.' Finally a word! Although it wasn't a real nice word; kind of sucked really.

'Then do you want help?' I tried, scanning the bench wondering what I could do. Everything was in such organized chaos I didn't even know where to start.

'Nope.'

'Lis-'

'Just go and sit down.' That icy tone of hers could cut and slice those carrots better than the two hundred dollar knife she was wielding.

'I think we should make it another night. Sam's sensitive right now. He can't handle-'

'Oh my God! Are you serious?' Bang went the two hundred dollar knife; slammed onto the counter. I wondered if the handle cracked with the impact but then thought it better not have seeing it cost two hundred freaking dollars.

'You know what I mean.' I frowned as I checked the timber for a dint.

'You mean this is all about Sam, yes I know what you mean.'

'Lisa, don't!' She knew not to use that tone when she was talking about my brother – and if she didn't, she should've. That was a definite no go zone. She didn't want to push me with that.

'No we couldn't go there could we? It's not like it's the truth or anything.'

'Of course this is all about Sam!' I shouted, my blood boiling. 'The kid has just been brought back to life. He-' How could I throw the one hundred and twenty years of …whatever he went through down there - in her face? How could she ever empathize with that?

'And what about us Dean?' She yelled back as if she didn't even hear me. 'What does this mean for us?'

'Nothing we can talk about now!'

She'd put me in a mood and I was too busy trying to chill the hell out so I wouldn't completely lose it. There was no chance of me thinking about that let alone answering her question. Not at the moment.

Saying no more and picking up the knife again, she resumed chopping. With her tears blurring her vision, I worried about her fingers.

'Here, let me chop.' I offered coldly, proud of myself for matching her tone.

'Go away.' She said as she fumbled and sliced the skin of her index finger slightly. No blood, but still….

'Lisa, let me chop.'

'Leave me alone!'

'You're going to chop your damn finger off!' I yelled at her louder than I intended.

'What do you care?' She spat back.

'Of course I care. Don't be stupid!'

'Really-?' Her glare softened suddenly and for a moment I felt like there was hope. Sammy might just have an okay night after all…but then I followed her gaze and saw Ben standing in the doorway.

Jesus.

It just kept getting better and better.

'What's going on?' he asked wide eyed, looking from his mother to me.

'Nothing dude. It's okay.' I lied.

'No, it's not okay!' Lisa actually said. 'Nothing is okay Dean!'

Was she kidding? Her son was in the damn, frickin room. If this was how she was like with Ben here, what the hell was she going to be like with Sam?

I turned and gave her one mother of a glare which luckily seemed to sink in and watched as she placed down the knife lightly this time. She then moved around the bench to get to the kid. 'Let's go for a walk hey?'

'Can Dean come?'

'I have things to do buddy.' I told him without looking behind me. I picked up the knife and took over the chopping.

'Mom?'

'Just a quick one. Come on.'

_**Sam**_

Beer was good; I liked beer…a lot. I mean it didn't relax me as much as the day before nor did it calm me as much as I wanted it to, but it still did something and it still tasted damn good. If only I had more. I did need more.

When we pulled up in Dean's driveway, the butterflies in my stomach turned wild. Maybe if I didn't expect tension to slap me across my face the moment I stepped into the house, I would feel lighter but the girl was going to resent me; I already knew it. When I was gone, she had Dean all to herself, now that I was back…well, most of the time he was choosing me.

And all of a sudden, that didn't make me smile anymore. It just made me feel guilty as hell.

'Loosen up Sam; she's going to love you.' The way I looked at my surrogate father over the roof of his truck told him my thoughts on that. 'Everyone loves you. You wait and see.'

Sweet - but I didn't know about this.

Something else I didn't know about; the inside of Dean's house. This life was my dream for him but seeing him living somewhere else would hurt. Something freaky was already smashing inside of me.

And here I was falling again. I needed that confidence back; I needed to stop thinking.

'You ready?' Bobby asked me as we stood side by side on the doorstep.

I took a deep breath and nodded. Bobby knocked twice.

_Please Dean answer the door. Please. He had to be there when that door opened. Please._

'Hey.' He smiled brightly even though the bruises darkened his face. 'Come in.'

He was alone - Lisa wasn't with him. What did that mean? The comforting aroma of dinner cooking blending with the sound of crockery clunking indicated she must be in the kitchen. And Ben; where was Ben? God, this was harder than I thought. Still, I smiled at him and followed him into his living room. Cozy room; but then the whole house had a cozy feel to it. Pity I felt anything but cozy.

'Have a seat.' His smile was forced and even though I took a seat on the couch just like Bobby did, I closed my eyes and took another breath. Something was wrong. I could feel it. 'Beers?'

'Thanks.' Bobby said.

'They're fighting.' I whispered after I watched my brother step out of the room, his shoulders tense.

'Looks like it.' Bobby mumbled back.

'Should we go?'

'No, I don't think so. Just ride it out.'

Easier said than done. Even before I heard Lisa say; 'How do you expect me to go out there and act normal Dean? Nothing is normal is it?' the lump in my throat grew.

'God.' I ran a shaky hand through my hair and tried my hardest not to shrivel into the cushions of the couch.

'Don't take it on Sam. It's their issue, not yours.'

'But it's because of me.'

'You don't know that.'

'We should go.' I stood up knowing for a damn fact I couldn't do this. There was no way. 'Let's go.'

Instead of arguing, Bobby stood with me which confirmed I wasn't imagining this. That made me feel worse not better.

'What are you doing?' Dean asked incredulously when he caught us standing around awkwardly. He handed us our beers and waited for one of us to speak.

'We're thinking we should go.' Bobby answered.

'Go?' His face twisted. 'You just got here.'

'I know but-'

'Hi you two!' Lisa beamed entering the room behind my brother with a smile as false as his. 'It's so good to finally meet the two most important people in Dean's life.'

Oh God.

She finished wiping her hands on a dish towel and handed it roughly to Dean, still full of smiles. First she hugged Bobby and then made a move to me. Thankfully I didn't take that much-wanted step back; thankfully I let her wrap her arms around me while I managed to place a hand on her back. Pity I was so stiff, but I made an effort with my smile and when she pulled away from me I think she bought it.

'You too.' Bobby said handing her the bottle of wine. This was so awkward. Why Dean thought this was ever a good idea, I had no clue. I smiled again basically because I had no idea what to say.

'Thank you so much.' She answered sweetly. 'Can you open this for me.' She ordered Dean as she thrust the bottle into his hand aggressively. 'Have a seat, make yourselves at home. I'll just call Ben.' Her smile was so sweet. Shame it was so phony.

We were stuck, there was no way out and I already knew this was not going to be a good night. Not at all.

Bobby and I sat down.

Lisa left the room.

Dean smiled at us.

_(To be continued…)_


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

_**Dean**_

Dick angels, hell spawn demons and the devil himself had nothing on this girl.

That was a damn fact.

Okay, so she had issues with me, fair enough, I got that but why involve everyone else? Why lay that on her sick son and my anxious brother?

Her bogus smiles and syrupy statements weren't fooling anyone. Every word she spoke was laced with bitter sarcasm. _'It's so good to finally meet the two most important people in Dean's life._' Please. Give me a freaking break. Usually I would roll my eyes and tell whoever it was spinning such crap exactly where to go, but with Ben and Sammy in the room I had to keep biting my tongue - and that was getting harder by the second.

Her denials were awesome. '_I'm being nice, I'm doing and saying everything you wanted me to do and say. Now, pass me the plates…please'. _

Acidic.

Manipulative.

Bitch.

'Lisa-'

'Dean pass me the plates!'

It was always the same; every single time I followed her into the kitchen to have it out with her in a controlled whisper, the second she raised her voice, it was all over. Done.

Any why? Because my brother was fragile and she knew it. She was actually using that to shoot me down and shut me up, fully aware that nothing;_ nothing_ could piss me off more.

'I don't use Ben against you.' I snarled at her when she pulled the vegetables out of the oven. 'Do not use my brother against me.'

'Can you carve the meat?'

'You don't want to go there with me. I'm telling you right now.'

'I know who comes first Dean. I'm aware. You don't have to keep proving it to me.'

'I'm here aren't I?'

'Physically maybe. Kind of.'

All I could hear from the dining room was nothing; silence. Strained, tense silence.

'This isn't fair on S- Ben and Sam. We can talk about it later but right now-'

'Right now I play perfect housewife and you play perfect boyfriend right? Yes, I got it.' She picked up the carving knife and pulled the simmering tray of meat towards her. 'And that's what I'm doing.'

'No, you aren't. You are making everyone in the freaking house uncomfortable.'

'Oh well I am so sorry Dean. Really, I am. Wouldn't want your family feeling uncomfortable would we?'

'You,' I pointed a finger at her, 'don't understand a damn thing.'

'Can you get everyone in the dining room please?' There was that sickly sweet smile again. You know, the fakeass one that absolutely no one bought?

'Are you going to be normal?'

'Get everyone in the dining room!' She yelled loud enough for the whole street to hear.

That was it. Enough was enough. Sam would be freaking out right now and that was absolutely not on. Not in my book. 'You know what. You keep acting like this and I will be out that door before you can even blink.'

And so the tears began again.

Fan-frickin-tastic!

I couldn't deal with that right now, she wasn't up for it anyway and I had to check on everyone else. The first person I laid eyes on when I stepped into the living room was Sammy – his face drained of all color and sitting as stiff as I had ever seen him. Bobby's right hand held onto his shoulder in support and Ben had his head buried in a book.

'Dean, I think Sam and I should leave.' Bobby said when he saw me, giving me a very pointed glare. He was right of course. For Sam's sake, they had to leave. Definitely. Pity hearing the words almost destroyed me. I had such high hopes for this night. 'I'm sorry about the food...' he added.

'No, it's okay. It's fine.' I tried to smile.

'Should I go and see mom?' Ben asked me, eyes overflowing with the kind of innocence exclusive to kids his age – and my kid brother.

'Yeah, that's probably a good idea.' As Ben left the room, I sat down on his chair. 'Sammy.'

He lifted his head.

'I'm sorry.' I said to him.

'For what? You didn't do anything.' Out of nowhere, he stood up – like as if all of a sudden some force had taken him over. 'Say thanks to Lisa for us? For having us?'

'Yeah.' I frowned.

'You ready?' He asked Bobby way too fast causing us to share a concerned glance.

'I might be over a bit later-'

'No.' Sam said to me too quickly. 'No, you stay here. You have to stay here. Don't come.'

'It's okay Sam. I will if I can.'

'No!'

'Okay. I'll call you later then?'

'Only if you can.' Bobby interrupted before Sam could argue.

_**Sam**_

I had to get out, I had to get out, I had to get out of here and now! God dammit I had to leave. Where was the front door again? I knew this was a bad idea, right from the very start. Why didn't anyone listen to me? They should listen to me.

Did I tell them? I forget. Maybe I didn't. Maybe that's why.

Why wasn't Bobby moving? Why was Dean looking at me like that? Why could I hear footsteps approaching?

Oh my God, Lisa was back in the room. She said something, I saw her mouth move but I didn't hear her words. My thoughts were too loud, they were making too much noise. Dean - I could hear him, and he said, 'They're leaving.' then 'Why do you think?'

That's all I heard; all I could hear. Bobby's hand was still on my shoulder, even now that we were standing; I could feel that, but I was lost. The door; I forgot where the door was.

'Dean?' I interrupted them I think but he could show me. He could help me.

'You okay?'

Oh no, now my breathing was loud and raspy and fast – a bit too fast and deep. Get a grip, come on. Just get to the door, get out of there and everything will be fine.

'Sam?' Dean again. My head was spinning but all I could see was him. Everything else was a blur. 'Sammy, sit down.'

'No!' Just show me where the door is! I should have said that - why didn't I say that? Why couldn't I speak anymore? My chest hurt. Dizzy. Hard to breathe. Another hand on my other shoulder.

I can't breathe.

'_Sam._' Not Dean's voice, someone else's. Not Bobby's or Ben's or even Lisa's. '_Sam._' Oh God, I knew that voice. All too well. '_You'll never see your brother again. It's you and me...Forever.'_

Lucifer.

I spun around both ways even though it sounded like his voice was inside my head. Was it really him? Was he back for me? I couldn't go back. I couldn't. 'Dean!'

'I'm here, it's okay. You're okay.' Thank God. My brother was in front of me, it was him grabbing hold of my arms but my eyes wouldn't focus. 'Sit down.'

'_Sam.'_

'He's back.' I reached out for Dean so I could clutch onto him and never let him go. 'Dean, he's back.' It was like I was blind even though I could still see blurry colors swirling in front of me.

'Sam, what?' Now he was freaked, I could hear the fear in his voice. 'What do you mean?'

'_Sam.'_

'He's back. Dean, I can't. I can't go back there. Please.'

'Sammy! Stop! Look at me.'

'He's back for me!'

'No he's not! Look at me. Sam, look at me. He's not, I swear to you.' Someone was shaking me; I think it was Dean because it felt like Dean. 'Sammy, breathe. Breathe. Everyone step back! Sam, listen to me. Sam!'

He was yelling now. I couldn't make him angry. He had too much else to deal with. So I tried to control my breathing and I tried to focus on him again. He was telling me to look at him so I had to. To make him happy…so he wouldn't be angry at me. Because he had other things to deal with.

'You're okay.' He said again. Why was he always saying the same thing over and over? 'Sammy come on, breathe buddy. Breathe and look at me. Look at me.'

Focus. Deep breaths, find his eyes and focus.

Okay, shapes were starting to form around me. Things were getting clearer.

'Good one. Good job Sammy.'

Wow, Dean was so close to my face. I jerked my head back and saw him smile. His eyes were red and wet but he was smiling at me. 'You okay?' He checked as I shut my eyes tight and opened them again. I could see. Everything was back to what it was like before.

I waited for Lucifer to speak to me again.

'Sam?' He seemed shocked when I jolted. 'Hey, easy.' It was Dean, not Lucifer, Dean.

'I'm okay.' Where was Bobby? Lisa and Ben were staring at me but no Bobby. When I twisted my neck to look behind me, I saw him. He was there, rubbing my shoulders.

'Bobby's here.' Dean smiled. At least I had them both with me. That's what kept me breathing properly.

So much for the staying strong thing. Once again I had made it all about me. Lisa was upset, Ben was upset, Bobby was upset and my brother was upset yet here they all were surrounding me because I was the one freaking out. I forced myself to meet Lisa's eyes. No longer was she wearing the fake smile, instead she was staring at me in shock. 'I'm sorry.' I said to her. 'I'm really sorry I came back.'

'Sammy, no.' Dean let out a sob. I didn't mean for that. Bobby squeezed my shoulders as I closed my eyes again. I was still so screwed up.

'It's okay.' I smiled at Dean when I opened them again and wiped my nose with my sleeve. I didn't even know it was running. A few tears ran down my cheek. 'It's okay.' I nodded to him as if repeating the words would make him believe it.

'I'm going back to the Motel with them.' Dean said to Lisa.

'Okay. I'll pack you another bag.' This time she didn't sound phony, just frightened – or something.

'No Dean, I swear, I'm okay now. Stay here. You have things to sort out.'

This time Lisa spoke to me, 'Sam, it's fine. Really.' Her smile was genuine for once. 'I'm the one that needs to apologize. I'm the one that's sorry. I was being selfish.'

And again I had no idea what to say.

'Dean, can you help me with a few things before you go?'

When he looked at me, I knew what he was asking and I nodded. She wanted to know what the hell all that was about. I couldn't blame her but I didn't envy Dean having to explain it either. Still, if he thought she needed to know, who was I to suggest otherwise? Whatever helped.

'We'll meet you back at the room.' Bobby said to him.

'Okay. I won't be long.'

This time when Lisa hugged me I didn't feel like stepping back. For some reason, I leant into it and held onto her tightly. I felt bad for what happened but more than that, I felt guilty she was going through stuff because of me. That would have to change.

After tonight, that would have to change.

Later, when Bobby stopped fussing over me and we settled back into the comfort of our room; waiting for Dean to arrive, I said the words I didn't expect to say so soon:

'It's time we go home.'

_(To be continued…)_

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	17. Chapter 17

**_Wow! Those reviews for last chapter were AMAZING! Thank you so much. :)_**

**_Please enjoy this one. (Does that work? Asking people to enjoy? Hope so!)_**

**Chapter 17**

_**Dean**_

Okay fine, yes I felt like an asshole scratching the back of my head and leaning back so I could check the time, but when the thirty-fifth minute ticked over, I had to physically stop myself bolting out of there. Lisa's face looking up at me in horror pulled me back into the room. It was vital for me to remember; the devil, the cage, the years; this was all new to her. While I'd been living it, she hadn't even considered it a possibility and why would she? It was such an effed up story, no one ever could.

'I'm so sorry.' She finally said in summarization of just about everything I think.

'So that's why I've been all about Sammy lately. I mean, you saw him right?'

'Yes. Yeah of course.' With a slide of her index finger across her bottom lip, she added; 'God Dean.'

'And we can't blame him. Not with everything he's been through.' It was wrong of me, but there was something I wanted to say ever since she started with her crazy, jealous performance, something I was positive would make her understand; 'It'd be like if it happened to Caroline.'

Caroline; her sister, her best friend. The woman she called first when she was happy, sad or otherwise. The woman who had always been by her side, through everything, thick or thin, pushing her up, pulling her down. Whatever she needed, whenever she needed it. The woman she loved the most.

'No,' she said surprising me, 'it wouldn't.'

Or maybe not.

'It'd be like if it happened to Ben.' I swallowed. 'You've told me yourself how you practically raised your brother and I can't even imagine…' She looked up at me again. 'I was such a bitch.' She stood up and took my hands, 'I'm so sorry. I can't believe I acted like that.'

'You didn't know.'

'I knew enough. I was so upset you weren't putting us first but truth is I'd always put my son first too.'

Even though my eyes were watering I smiled at her. She pulled me in for a hug and then asked me the question I did have an answer for; an answer I had been sitting on since I'd known my brother was back.

'What do you want to do from here?'

_**Sam**_

'Dean's not going to be a fan of this idea.' Bobby said picking up his clothes in one heap and stuffing the bundle in his bag. No folding necessary for Bobby.

'I know.' God did I know, but maybe somehow I could talk him into understanding it had to be done; for both our sakes- especially his. His life was turning to crap because of me and I needed to step out of it so he could pick up the pieces. It was sad and it sucked, but no way was I going to pull him down any further.

He would fight it tooth and nail, that was a given. There would be yelling and screaming and flat out refusal. In reality this decision was anything but personal, but I knew my brother and I knew without a single doubt he would take it personally. Never would he understand this was harder for me than him. The mere thought of leaving him freaked me the hell out; but what choice did I have? It had to be done and even if he didn't realize that, Bobby and I did.

Our bags were fully packed and lined up along the wall when Dean stepped in with two al-foil covered plates. 'Lisa wanted you to have some dinner.' He greeted scrutinizing me and not the floor.

'That was sweet of her.' Bobby said taking them off him.

'She usually is sweet…'

'We know.' Bobby smiled. 'How'd it go?'

'Good. At least she knows now right?'

'Yeah.'

'How are you doing?' Dean asked me. Truth was now that he was here standing in front of me, seeing his wide eyes hoping for good news caused my strength to fade.

'Good. Sit down?' I had to do it and I had to do it now – before I completely chickened out.

'What's going on?' He asked me taking a seat on the dining chair probably for the last time.

I sat myself down on the edge of the bed and waited for Bobby to sit at the table next to my brother. 'You have to promise me you won't freak out. Okay?'

He frowned.

I spoke.

'Bobby and I are leaving tomorrow.' Bang. Dean dealt with plain and simple better than anything else and I had to go in strong to wipe away any fluff. That was my way of convincing him.

'Sorry?'

'I'm moving in with him – into his house.'

He looked from Bobby and back to me. 'You're kidding me right? This is some sick joke?'

'No, it's no joke.'

'What the hell are you talking about Sam?' It was then he scanned the room and saw the bags. 'You're leaving?' He asked slowly as I watched his face drop. That sight alone almost killed me.

'Yes. Tomorrow.' I nodded pretending to sound determined.

'Dean,' Bobby started, 'this is something Sam and I spoke about awhile ago and we think it's the right time now. We can get him settled into a routine and you – '

'I can what? Huh? What? I can carry on living a normal life?' Already his voice was rising as he turned to Bobby. 'That's what you were going to say wasn't it? That you can take my brother away and I can go home as though he never came back.' His jaw clenched as he eyed our older friend. 'What are you trying to do?'

'Dean, he just offered his house, it was my idea to take him up on it – and to go now.' I cut in.

'No frickin way.' He shot at me.

'Just try to understand.'

'Understand what? That you're doing it again?'

'Doing what again?'

'The same thing you always freaking do Sam!' Standing up, he took a step towards me. 'Why do you always have to do this?'

'Do what?'

'Try to get the hell away from me all the frickin time!' He shook his head as I recoiled. 'Do you really hate me that much?'

'No. What? No! Dean, don't think that. I'm doing this for you, so you can have a normal life.'

'If you think that you don't know me at all.'

'Think about it. Think about how your life has gone to hell since I came back. You lost your job, you got beat up, and you have problems at home. Should I go on?'

'Yes go on because I am really interested to see how you've convinced yourself you are doing this for me. You need me!'

'And how does that help you?'

'You think I can carry on here knowing that? You aren't ready Sam!'

'Dean.' When my hands shook at his yelling I placed them under my thighs. My heart was racing full pelt but I couldn't let it affect me like it was threatening to do. The breakdown before had somehow strengthened me, but it was obvious it could flatten me again at any moment, I could feel it brimming and the last thing any of us needed was for Lucifer to start tapping into my head again. Especially right now. 'I have Bobby.'

'You are a selfish –' He stopped himself and pressed his lips together so no other words would escape.

'-Bastard.' I finished for him. 'I know.'

_**Dean**_

What the hell did I do to deserve this?

Here they were telling me flat out they were leaving – without even so much as talking to me about it first. Just decided now and packed their things. Going tomorrow and why? So I could get a job and play happy families. Did they realize how ridiculous that sounded? And oh - oh yeah - they spoke about it _awhile ago_? They had to be frickin kidding me. They had to be.

Sam's scared eyes weren't even affecting me like they normally do. All I felt like doing was hitting him; punching him square in the face. And Bobby – Bobby I wanted to fling out the room and smash him right into his old beat-up truck.

Everything told me to calm the hell down for my brother's sake…but you know what; screw that. No one ever gave a damn about how I felt, so why the hell should I care about how they felt?

If only I could do that. They deserved it. They deserved for me to stand on the doorstep and wave them good bye so I could carry on without them – go back to my perfect little life working at Walmart, playing husband and father and forgetting my brother was ever born.

But no, me being stupid me couldn't do that, could I?

No. Me being me had to cling on for dear life so he wouldn't walk away from me – again.

What the frigging hell was wrong with me?

'Dean-' Bobby tried.

'You do not speak to me. You know better than this!'

Just as Bobby stood up, I made a decision. There was no way this was going down. No frickin way at all. No matter what, my brother was not taking off on me. And yeah you could call me selfish too but anyone – except for Bobby and Sam obviously – could tell you…he needed me!

'I'll go for a drive.' Bobby said to Sam who nodded nervously. He was trying so hard to appear strong and his words were sounding it but they weren't fooling me. I could see right through him and again, I knew…_he needed me!_

I still felt like hitting him. If he was in any other condition that's exactly what I would do too. And enjoy it.

'You okay?' Bobby checked with him when he picked up his keys from the kitchen counter.

'He's fine!' I screamed.

'Calm down boy.' He dared frowned at me.

'Don't tell me to calm down!'

'Take your phone. I'll call you.' Sam said to him.

I shook my head as Bobby nodded his. 'Take it easy.' He ordered me stepping out of the room and closing the door behind him.

'This is not going to happen.' I told Sam immediately, noticing his leg jumping nervously.

'What's the alternative Dean? Just stay here for the rest of my life?'

'No.' I sat down again more relaxed now that half the posse was gone. 'You move in with us.'

He blinked at me.

'I've spoken to Lisa and she agrees. We sell that house and buy a bigger one.'

'No.' he frowned. Which just pissed me off again.

'Why not?' I growled.

'Because it wouldn't work. Were you not there tonight?'

'Were you? Look at what happened Sam.'

'Exactly.'

'Yes exactly and who were you calling for? Who got you through it?'

'Don't you get it? If I wasn't there it wouldn't have happened.'

'Oh. Oh I see, this is my fault.' Again with the punch. Right on his left cheek. Would be bliss.

'No. I'm just saying if I wasn't in these situations – if I was at Bobby's –'

'You would crawl up and die!'

'And what would you do?'

'Crawl up and die!' i yelled. 'Jesus Sam don't you get it yet?'

'You coped a year without me, you can do it again. And you know it will be different this time – you can visit – I can visit you. Meanwhile though, you get your life back on track.' He took a breath and released his hands from under his legs. 'Right now you are losing it all and I don't want to be the cause of that.'

'You're not.'

'I am and you know it.'

'Sam you are really pissing me off.'

'It's for the best. Best for everyone. Me, you, everyone.'

'This is what you want?' I asked. 'Answer me honestly.'

'No. This is the last thing I want.' That's all I needed to hear. Done deal. 'But it's the only way.'

'You go. I come with you.'

'Dean –'

'It's up to you Sam. You go to Bobby's, I come. You stay here, you move in with me. Up to you.'

_(To be continued…)_


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

_**Sam**_

'So,' Dean said, 'what's it going to be? Door number one or door number two?'

'Door number-none-of-the-above Dean.' Where this confidence was coming from, I had no clue but all of a sudden it was oozing out of me. I think it was because he once again, was trying to sacrifice his life for mine. Hadn't he changed at all? Didn't this past year teach him anything? He could survive without his burden of a brother. He could live a normal life with normal people in normal suburbia and stay safe. What more did he want? He had it all and he was willing to give it up or – worse - screw it up because of me? I had to make him realize; he brings me into the mix and all things good change. If he wasn't willing to save himself, then I had to.

'Why not?' He asked again with a frown so intense I wondered if it was going to cause permanent indents in his forehead. Man he was pissed and upset, even hurt but I was convinced, pretty soon; once I got through to him, he would calm down and realize this was all for the best.

'Because neither option will work.'

'What the hell do you mean? Both of them will if you give them a chance.' He tried.

'No.'

Studying the ceiling and holding his breath for what seemed like an eternity didn't seem to work. He closed his eyes and breathed out before glaring at me again. 'So once again, you get your own way and I don't have a say. You get to make the decision for both of us and I just have to deal with it because that's the way you want it.'

'What?' That was stupid. In fact, that was probably the stupidest thing I had ever heard him say.

'This decision of yours affects me too Sam. How come I don't get a choice? How come you get to make that decision for me?'

Umm.

'You always go on about how you don't like being told what to do, or have decisions made for you but aren't you doing the exact same thing to me right now?'

Where was Bobby? I needed Bobby. He would know what to say to this, because, honestly; I had no idea. It sounded like he had a point. It even sounded like he was right…but how could he be when these two options would turn his life to crap?

'Sam?'

Two options.

Two.

'You can't go giving me ultimatums Dean, especially ones that screw with you.' That was good. That was a good one. Yes, confidence was coming back. 'What do you want me to do? Choose to mess up your life or …let's see, choose to mess up your life? How can I choose because either way both options mess up your life!'

'According to you.'

'Yes.'

'Not me. You.'

'Dean.' I sighed eyeing my phone. I didn't like where this was going and was happy to admit I needed help. My brother was stumping me at every turn. Less than half an hour ago I was completely sure this was the best thing for all of us but the arguments he was firing at me were implanting major doubts.

'This has nothing to do with Bobby. Don't even think about bringing him into it.' He said obviously reading my thoughts. 'This is you and me Sam. That's it. You and me.'

'What do you want me to say?' Feeling myself weaken was a lousy sensation but it was happening. I could feel every ounce of my strength deflating right in front of him.

'I want you to think about what I want as well – and then with that in mind, I want you to think about what you want.'

'I told you-'

'You told me your idea was the last thing you wanted.'

Dammit. Freaking hell.

'Can I please call Bobby?'

'No.'

'I don't know. I can't answer these questions.' Now everything was stressing me out. My mind was blank, I needed help, I didn't know what was right or wrong anymore and I wanted this conversation to end.

'And then –' He continued, 'I want us both to decide on what to do next.'

Sounded good, I had to admit.

'Together.' He finished.

'But I can't move in with you guys. I can't do it.' I already knew that. Of all the uncomfortable and awkward situations to be in, let alone live in. Dean goes to work and I'm stuck at home with Lisa and Ben? I think not. Seriously, I think not.

'Okay, I understand that.'

Was this my brother talking? Maybe he _had _changed. He didn't seem to fear words like he used to. I was constantly expecting him to stop me from saying any more, shut me...or himself down like he used to.

Wouldn't you know it…the one time I was silently begging him to, was the one time he didn't.

'So me moving in with you and Bobby?' He questioned.

'Means you lose Lisa and Ben. You don't want that.' And before he could argue, I added; 'And I don't want that either.'

'You want a coke?' He asked me standing up and moving over to the fridge.

'A beer.' I said happy to not receive the same look Bobby would give me at the mere suggestion. Awesome. Maybe a beer would get me thinking properly.

'You don't have any.'

Great!

_**Dean**_

Beer, we both needed beer. The last thing on my mind when I left Lisa was beer – which was kind of weird - but I was so pumped to tell Sam the news he despised so much, it didn't even register. What a frickin downer. Stupidly, this was the last reaction I expected, but then again, stupidly, this was the last idea I expected to confront when I stepped into their room with two full plates of food.

'Want to get some?' Sam asked me.

'Yeah, let's go.' I didn't know whether he meant to a store or a bar but I was keen regardless and led the way out to the Impala.

'Should we call Bobby and tell him we're going out?' He asked as he clicked in his seat belt.

'Nope.' Bobby was a second father to us, that was true but there were just some things brothers needed to do on their own; especially at our age. We were grown men, not freaking teenagers and even though sometimes - lately - Sammy was acting more like a teenager than a grown man, we still didn't need to tell Bobby.

I was here and that was enough.

So both of us – together – with a case of cold beer sitting pretty on the back seat, decided to go for a drive. And just like old times, we stumbled upon a deserted look-out on our way to destination nowhere.

It was a still and clear night which was exactly what we needed to chill the hell out and get our senses working again. This Lisa and Ben thing weighed heavily on both our minds. Sam was right; I didn't want to lose them but I was willing to if it meant I had to. And Sammy was my _'had to._' He was always my _'had to.'_

I wasn't torn, that wasn't the point. Leaving them would be hard but leaving my brother would be harder. It was as simple as that. If only this massive lead ball in my stomach would get the hell out or dissolve or something. The decision may not be difficult but the actual breaking away from them was. Even thinking about that conversation affected me in ways I couldn't quite comprehend.

'What are you texting?' I frowned when I jumped up next to him on the trunk and handed him a beer.

'Just telling him he can go back to the room. He's probably driving around aimlessly.'

'Nothing wrong with that.' I shrugged.

'For us.'

True that.

I leant against the back window and took a swig. It was a full moon. Tonight a full moon meant a brighter night. Back then…

Before…

When…

Awhile ago it would mean a whole lot worse and I caught myself pondering what evil sons of bitches would be out living it up, ending innocent lives in all kinds of gruesome ways right as we sat here dealing with ourselves instead of saving others.

I glanced at my brother who continued to sit forward choosing nowadays to study the dirt rather than the stars. So much had changed. Too much had gone down and God knows we had paid. We were still paying.

A clump of hair fell into his eyes and for a second, in the moonlight, I saw the eight year old kid I used to take care of. And that was the point. It was always the point, the one thing that would never change; our one constant.

No, we weren't teenagers anymore – or kids. We were men but I would always look after my kid brother because the moment I didn't, the second I didn't...well we all knew what had happened...and be damned if I didn't regret that every single day of my life. My brother could change, that was fine. I would probably fight it all the way, but as long as he was here and I was there to have his back – and vice versa – we would be okay. I was sure of it.

Sammy wasn't talking so I had to start this up again. Taking another swig and watching him do the same, I prepared myself. Maybe being out here in the open would stop the arguing. One could only hope.

'Best case scenario?' I asked him.

'Everyone's happy.' He answered quicker than I expected although still concentrating on the gravel underneath us.

'Worst case?'

'Everyone's not.'

'Wow, Sam. Deep.' The next swig was a longer one. If only I had the answers to this. Did he expect me to? It was easy to have the opposing opinion but having the solution; not so much.

'You tell me then.'

'You really think you would be okay with just Bobby and you?'

Getting the wrong impression immediately, he glanced up at me a little hopefully but a little terrified as well. 'That's not what I meant. It was just a question.'

With a shrug he took another sip and then another. 'I'd be more okay back at his place.'

'That's fair enough.'

'Lisa doesn't like Sioux Falls does she?' He laughed. I didn't.

Would she? I mean she was up for moving. Why not to Sioux Falls? It's not like I had a job holding us down here and hers wasn't so great either but there was Ben and his diabetes, not to mention his friends, school and baseball team. And also Caroline; her sister.

'Dean, I was kidding.'

'I could ask.'

'Dean.'

'What?'

'Now you're talking about uprooting Lisa and Ben – and for what? Me?' He shook his head and ran a hand up and down his thigh. 'That's not fair on them.'

'I could ask. Check.'

The second he glanced back at me, I could read his sad eyes. He was thinking exactly what I didn't want to. The only thing he could see happening was him leaving and me staying. It made me take another gulp and check out the stones to my side, then the trees with leaves that didn't seem to move. Yes, it was a clear and still night, nothing was shifting - especially not my brother.

'Sammy-'

'Dean, we can visit. We don't have to live together. You don't have to revolve yourself around me all the time. It's your turn to enjoy life for a change. I want that for you. You want that for you. And I have Bobby. You don't have to worry about me when you know I'm in good hands with him.'

I wondered how it happened that he was so much stronger than me, that he was the one who could always pull away, even after everything he had been through, even when he was at his weakest. But when I looked at him again and saw the tears falling from his eyes, I knew I wasn't alone. He was feeling the same as me.

'You need me.' I reminded him one more time.

'Maybe.' He laughed a little. 'But you have a phone right?'

I nodded wondering if I was going to throw up now or later. I didn't know who I was trying to help here; whether it was him or me but once again, I felt myself going against every one of my instincts and I hoped to God I wouldn't regret this decision as much as I regretted the last one.

'Just do me a favor.' He said.

'What's that?'

'No more Walmart.'

'Deal.' I sort of smiled.

_(To be continued…)_

_**~ Sorry! **_

**_Thanks again for all your reviews. I love them. :) _**

**_I hope you all don't hate me right now! _**


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

_**Bobby**_

It made me smile watching the older kid wake the younger kid, cook his breakfast and throw his bag in the back of my truck. But the older kid wasn't smiling; not once – especially not at me – or his brother – or at all.

If only he could understand we were doing this for his own good as much as for Sam's but he didn't and he never would. Sam was abandoning him and I was the bad guy for encouraging it. That was all he saw.

'Drive safe.' Were the words he barked at me before turning on his heels and facing his brother. I made myself scarce quick smart and jumped into the driver's side observing the exchange between the boys out of the corner of my eye while listening to the conversation through the open window.

'You sure about this?' Dean asked Sam who stood even higher on the gutter, fists stuffed into his jacket pockets looking somewhat like a determined lost soul. Only Sam Winchester could work that look.

No he wasn't sure; he was petrified but he had no intention of letting his brother know that.

'Yep.' He nodded his head with vigor. 'It's going to be fine Dean.'

'You call me anytime. Anytime. Okay?'

'I will. Same for you.'

I kept watching as Dean closed his eyes and slumped his shoulders further altogether feeling dejected and rejected. Far too many times we'd seen him like that. Far too many times. 'Sammy, this doesn't feel right.'

'Bobby's waiting. We gotta go.'

'Sam.' Dean said grabbing hold of his little brother's arm and pulling him back. 'I'll see you soon. I'll come visit soon.'

'Yep.' Sam nodded and stepped away to get to the passenger door. Be damned if it didn't feel as uneasy as all get out but I started the ignition as soon as he took his seat. No one was saying nothin' so I ducked my head down and peered past him to Dean. 'We'll call you when we get home.'

He looked away.

And I backed out of the driveway.

'You doin' okay?' I asked the younger kid once we hit the straight, open road. Usually he struggled to fit his lengthy body in the front seat of my truck. This day though he'd somehow managed to curl himself up into the door so he could turn away from me and rest his forehead on the window. His sad profile ripped at my heart. The tears glistening in the sun and dropping from his cheek to his sleeve made it impossible not to notice his complete and utter misery.

He nodded his head but said nothing.

_**Lisa**_

Mom, why is Dean taking so long to come in?' Ben asked turning around from the front window and glancing at me as if I knew.

'Is he out there?' I switched off the Hoover with my foot and stepped past him to check for myself. Sure enough there was the Impala parked in the driveway with Dean still inside. 'How long has he been there?'

'Ages.'

'How long is ages?' Kids: so full of words - much like the man sitting in my driveway.

'Like ten minutes… Or more even.'

'Why didn't you tell me?'

'I just did.'

I moved towards the door eager to find out what the deal was but casual enough not to freak out Ben. He'd had enough on his plate lately without adding another issue to it. 'Stay here. Just watch TV or play the Wii or something.'

'Before lunch? You never let me play before lunch.'

'Today I am. I'd take advantage if I were you.'

This was way earlier than I expected Dean home. It was just after eight AM and for a split second, as I sprung off the last step and before he opened his car door, I thought he might have been sleeping.

'Hi.' I greeted cautiously and immediately stopping dead still as I caught sight of the cold and distant glint in his eyes.

'Hi.' He replied as gruffly as only Dean could and trekked heavily past me. Fury – or something - stiffened every inch of his body. Something was definitely wrong. Maybe he was still mad at me over last night. I couldn't blame him – I acted like a crazy woman but when he left everything seemed okay between us. Or so I thought.

'How's Sam?' I risked feeling nauseas and already close to tears.

'Gone.' He said as he swung open the front door and slammed it shut behind him. Even from where I stood I heard his footsteps stomp the floorboards all the way to our bedroom. Then, just as I expected; another bang of a door rifled through the air.

In no time Ben was standing on the porch, his eyes full of worry and apprehension.

'You want to go to Andrew's for a sleepover?' I asked him trying to control the shaking in my voice.

_**Dean**_

**_..._**

**_..._**

**_..._**

_**Sam**_

_Dean's words echoed through my head as we drove. 'This is you and me Sam. That's it. You and me.' _

_Not anymore. Sam was always the one to change that. It was always my fault, my doing, my choice. _

_..._

_Lucifer. Always with me, getting closer all the time. _

_'__You'll never see your brother again. It's you and me...Forever.' _

'Lucifer.' I whispered.

'What?' Bobby said. 'What did you just say?'

_Nothing. _

'Sam?'

_Nothing._

'Sam, answer me kiddo.'

_NOTHING!_

_**Dean**_

'Dean please let me in. It's been hours.' I rolled over and pulled the covers over my head again. Seemed to dull the volume of her voice the last five times she called out. Maybe it would work this time too. 'I'm coming in even if I have to break down the door.'

Break down the door. Her; break down the door. Right.

'Talk to me.'

What was the point of talking? No one ever listened anyway.

'Dean, please.'

Please what? Please go away? If I asked, would she?

No she wouldn't.

But Sam would – he always did.

Always did.

_**Sam**_

This was the right thing to do.

This was the right thing to do.

For the following reasons:

1. Dean could carry on living a normal life.

2. Dean could keep his relationship with Lisa and Ben.

3. Dean could go out and get a real job.

4. Dean finally had a chance of being happy and successful.

5. Dean wouldn't be tied down to me which meant:

a) Less to zero problems at home.

b) Less to zero problems at work.

c) Less to zero problems anywhere.

6. The list was endless.

'You want a hot chocolate?' I snapped my head up and glared at Bobby in confusion. How the hell did I get from the truck to his couch? The last thing I remembered was...I don't even remember what the last thing I remembered was; just the flicker of the road as we sped past probably.

'You're worrying me kid.' Bobby said scrutinizing me from his standing position in front of me.

'I don't...How?…No, no coffee, thanks.'

'I asked if you wanted a hot chocolate Sam.'

'No. Nothing. Thanks.' All night I was freaking out about stepping into this house without Dean by my side; lost hours over it doubting I could even do it. How did I just venture in without thinking about him being hundreds of miles away? And why couldn't I remember?

'It was a long drive.'

Was it? Because it felt anything but long, yet here I was sitting inside Bobby's house with the fire going feeling another tear roll down my cheek without me even knowing it was coming.

'It's gonna be alright.' The old man reassured taking a seat next to me. 'Once you settle in and get used to this being your home..' His voice trailed off. All I could think about was my brother's words and nothing else.

_'This is you and me Sam. That's it. You and me.' _Yet, once again I pulled away because to keep him felt so selfish.

He kept telling me this wasn't what he wanted. But he let me go anyway.

This wasn't what I wanted. But I left anyway.

Sure, the list sounded good on paper – and in my head - but inside it felt like the worst decision I could have possibly made.

And I made it; not Dean. Just me – and Bobby. My brother was right; I took that away from him. The one thing I hated him doing to me the most I did to him.

'You were looking out for him. Trying to do what's best.'

'Huh?' My head spun around expecting to see the Devil standing in front of me and possibly in the form of myself. 'What?' With great relief I realized it was just Bobby.

'You said –'

'I didn't say anything.'

Or maybe I did. I couldn't tell anymore, didn't know what the hell I was doing.

'You having second thoughts?' He asked me with a concerned expression.

'We didn't ask him what he wanted.'

'He'd want to give up everything to help you. You already know that.'

My heart sang and dropped at the same time but it made me think; if I was so hell bent on doing the right thing then maybe… 'Maybe we should've asked him what he wanted.'

_**Dean**_

Lisa was still demanding I open the door, but how could I? I couldn't even muster the energy to turn over again. She would have to break it down. I'd just let her break it down.

While Jim from next door helped her force the handle, my phone rang. I felt like calling out for them to just shoot the damn lock and walk in but couldn't really be bothered doing that either. So I let them bang and crash and pull and push while I forced myself to lift my head from my puffy, floral covered pillow. Bobby – _The Traitor_ – said he'd call when they got 'home'.

_Frigging 'home'._

Yes, that's what Sam needed and maybe I did too, but our home was where we made it, not other people's houses frickin hours apart. Not when he needed me like he did. This was all just chronically wrong. W-r-o-n-g! And I hated myself for letting it happen again. That kid got his own way far too much with me.

So did I want to talk to Bobby or not? Not really. I mean I wanted to know they got 'home' safe but judging by the hour, they had. So actually, I thought, I really ought to just ignore it and make them think I was at a barbeque with the Stantons down the road or something as trivial and meaningless. That would no doubt make them both happy.

The thing that changed my mind though was spotting my brother's name lighting up the screen instead of the old man's. Of course if it was Sam I would jump to answer it. The kid had me wrapped around his little finger. A million times over.

It was all kinds of ridiculous.

_**Sam**_

'Sam?' Was Dean's urgent greeting through the phone. The rustling of sheets and his sleepy voice made me guess maybe I woke him up.

'Did I wake you?'

'No.'

'We got here okay.' I announced as if he should be proud of me or something as equally as pathetic.

'Good.'

Bobby was glaring at me hard not sure what I was doing. It was probably wrong but I hadn't consulted him on what I was intending to say or why I was calling him in the first place. Just reached into my pocket, pulled out my cell and pressed Dean to connect without thinking. Something was just not sitting right with me and I wanted to fix it.

I just didn't know how.

'So, we said we'd call.' I said.

'The drive was okay?'

'Yeah, all good.' It must have been right? Didn't matter I didn't remember more than a few minutes of it, just mattered we were home. I guessed.

'That's good.'

'Yeah, so I'll speak to you soon then?'

'Okay.'

'Bye.'

'Bye buddy.'

I lightly threw Bobby my phone so he could disconnect the call while I leant back on the headrest of the couch and closed my eyes. If this was the right thing to do why the hell did it feel so wrong? And why couldn't I voice that to my own brother?

'It's gonna be okay Sam.' Bobby said, 'It'll just take some getting used to.'

Uhuh.

_'__You'll never see your brother again...'_

And once again Lucifer's words screwed with my mind.

_(To be continued…)_


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

_**Dean**_

Jim's wife was correct; Jim was useless. How he couldn't break a simple door handle was beyond my comprehension. At times, from my position on the bed, I felt like calling out instructions just to help the poor guy. Then I figured I should just stand up and unlock the door myself. The clanking noise he was making messed with my head and Lisa calling out my name every thirty seconds gave me no chance to think. And I just wanted to think. Wanted to know where this had all gone wrong…and why.

Yesterday I had everyone around me. Today I felt completely alone all over again.

'Dean please. Just open the door,'

If I had a dollar for every time she said those exact words…

'Dean!'

'Okay, okay.' She'd done it; she'd beat me down. When I clicked the latch and took a seat back on our bed, I heard Lisa thank Jim for his efforts and apologize. Then much to my relief I listened as his footsteps leaving echoed throughout the house.

I expected fireworks but didn't get them. Expected her to yell and scream and cry, but she didn't do any of that. All she did was open the door softly, sit on the bed next to me and place one hand on my knee. If I was any other man it probably would have soothed me but I wasn't and it didn't. It was the best thing she could do but it had no effect. It didn't help in any way.

'Where is he?'

I wanted to think, not talk.

'Bobby's?'

Bobby's. He might as well live on the other side of the world.

'Dean, talk to me.'

No.

'Please.'

No.

She rubbed her hand up and down my thigh which made me look at her. The woman my brother wanted me to share my life with stared back at me with worried eyes. She was here, willing to support me, not telling me she was leaving, just always here.

'I'm sorry. I can't.' I said shooting up and bolting out the door. The Impala and I needed time. Music needed to blare through my ears before I could even begin to talk this out. This feeling had to go. Then maybe I could sit down and tell her how my brother left…again.

_**Sam**_

Bobby set me up a bedroom. Told me this had to feel like home as soon as possible. My question was: how does a house feel like a home when a house was never my home? He figured it would. I figured he was right so I let him. After I unpacked my few items of clothing into the cupboard and chest of drawers, I sat down on my freshly made bed and waited for the comfort to sink in.

The room was cozy enough I guessed; as far as Bobby's house _could_ be cozy. I mean my room looked like any other room on TV or in the houses I'd investigated. It was a guy's bedroom, complete with not much more than a lot of space.

'We should hang some pictures up.' Was Bobby's suggestion. If he thought a couple of pictures could settle me in, then fine, he could hang some pictures up. I wouldn't argue. Whatever he thought would help, because truthfully I had no freaking idea.

When he left the room to answer his ringing phone, I picked up mine from the bedside table and checked for any missed calls or messages. Nothing. I tossed it to the side of me and sat back against the wall. I could wallow. I felt like wallowing but what good would that do? Wallowing only got me in deeper with my thoughts. And the very last thing I wanted to do was think. It always turned dangerous when I took the time to think.

I picked up my phone again. I hadn't spoken to my brother in what? Two hours? And already I was wishing he'd call me. _Go and live your life Dean. I don't want to hold you back._ God, even if he didn't know it, I felt like I was already doing just that.

Especially when I dialed his number once again.

'We got the room set up.' I told him when he asked me how it was going. 'Are you driving?'

'Yeah.' He said as I heard the volume of his stereo lower all the more. 'Just going to get some…alcohol for a party the neighbors are having on the weekend. For a …birthday.'

'Sounds like fun.'

'You'd hate it.' He laughed a little.

'Probably.' I smiled.

'So what room?'

When I spoke to Dean and heard his voice, my strength picked up. I felt a pang of guilt shoot through me. Bobby was being so good to me; totally willing to change his whole life and house around to take care of me but he wasn't Dean. No one was Dean.

'Sam?' he asked when I forgot to answer one of his questions.

'Sorry?' I couldn't remember what it was.

'What's wrong?'

I stood up and shut the door, then returned to my bed while Dean waited for me to speak.

'You think we can do this?' I asked him.

'No. Never have.' He answered so matter-of-factly fresh tears welled in my eyes.

I took a deep breath. 'What do you want?'

'Thanks for finally asking.'

'You know I did this for you as well right?' If I was talking to him I could talk and think properly. Only with him though. Lucifer was further from my mind if Dean was closer.

'I know you think you did.'

'So what do you want?'

'To come and live in Sioux Falls.' I smiled. 'What do you want?' He asked me.

'For you to come and live in Sioux Falls.'

_**Dean**_

I bounced into the house. Not nervous; determined. Lisa was sitting on the counter in the kitchen and hung up the phone as soon as she saw me enter. No goodbye to her sister, no words at all. Just hung up and then took me in.

'Where's Ben?' I asked. Only frowning she jumped down from the bench and remained silent. 'Is he here?'

'He's at Andrew's. You seem better.'

'How do you feel about moving to Sioux Falls?'

'What?'

'South Dakota.'

'I know where it is. Where Bobby lives right? I take it that's where Sam is.'

'Yes.'

'Dean.' She sighed.

'What?'

'Ben has school –'

'There are schools there.'

'He has friends.'

'He can make new friends.'

'His team.'

'They even have baseball.'

'Then there's Caroline.'

'Weekends.'

'And my job.'

'You can get another one.'

'We can't even afford next month.'

'We'll manage.'

'Just as long as you're near Sam.'

'You got it.'

When she nodded, she gave me hope, but then she shook her head just as quick and turned around. With another sigh she picked up the phone and pressed a button; obviously to redial.

_**Sam**_

'You what?' Bobby was angry. I knew that expression. He was about to yell at me. I thought he would be happy; having both of us around. Not pissed. Why was he pissed?

'He said that's what he wanted.'

'I thought all this was because you wanted him to live a normal life.' He frowned.

'It is. It was. He still can.'

'You think Lisa is going to want to uproot her whole life? Her son? Straight after he's been diagnosed with diabetes?'

'Dean thinks she might.' I tried wishing he would stop pacing and sit down on the couch. I was excited to tell him, now he was making me doubt my actions.

'Why didn't you speak to me about this first?'

'I don't know.' I answered shifting in my cushions. 'I didn't really plan it.'

'And that's the thing Sam. You need to plan things; need some structure, learn to build foundations…'

'Huh?' He was confusing me. 'I just want my brother around.'

'It's not as simple as that.'

'And he wants to be here too. Surely we have to take that into consideration.'

'Sam, it's not as simple as that.'

'If Lisa agrees then it could be.'

'And if she doesn't? What then? Look at the position you just put him in.'

Brain halt. Those words stopped me dead still.

'You didn't even give it a go. You've been here mere hours and already you're on the phone to Dean doing exactly what you didn't want to do.' He shook his head. 'You should have spoken to me first Sam.'

'Don't be mad.' I tried embarrassed at how meek I sounded.

'I'm not mad. I'm just … I just can't believe you did that without talking to me.'

'I'll call him.'

'And say what?'

'That he should stay there.'

'You can't do that!' His voice rose to that expected yell but I still flinched. 'You can't screw him around like that!'

'I don't know what you want.' I swallowed darting my eyes down to the carpet. Everything was starting to fuzz.

God, not now, not again. Stay with it Sam. Stay with it.

'I wanted you not to do that!' Still with the yelling.

'I'm sorry.'

'I'll call him. Just – Just stay there Sam. Please.'

'What are you going to say?' I whispered feeling like I was about to hyperventilate. If he was going to rip Dean away from me, I might just hate him.

'Just leave it with me.'

**…**

'_You'll never see your brother again…'_

'Shut UP!' I screamed at the devil as loud as I could and ran my hands through my hair to hold my head. Maybe if I squeezed hard enough he would leave me alone.

'_You can't escape me.'_

Slamming my eyes shut didn't stop his voice, either did my rocking. I could feel how insane I looked. Rocking back and forth, freaking out and hearing voices. I looked insane because I was insane.

'_I'm always with you.'_

I fell to the floor and crawled until I hit the wall. Once I turned and slid into the corner, I pulled my legs to my chest and buried my face in my knees. Bobby was taking Dean away, Lucifer was coming for me and all I could do was hide in myself.

'_You will pay for what you did to me Sam.'_

Here he comes. I could feel him. I didn't even have to look up to know how close he was. He wasn't calm; he was angry and fast and wanted to slice me apart with a simple movement of his fingers. It was dark so I couldn't see him properly, but I could feel him and he was close. If he looked like me, took my image; I thought I would drop dead before he even got to me. Maybe that was a better option anyway. It would hurt less and Dean wouldn't have to hear how my body was turned into a mass of ripped and bloody shreds.

I closed my eyes tighter but kicked out at him. He was there, lunging for me but I'd sent him flying backwards and the second he pushed himself back up and came for me again, I punched him as hard as I could feeling the pain in my knuckles pulsate through my whole body.

'_Sam!' _

'_I'm going to kill you!' I roared control suddenly overpowering me. _

'Sam no, it's me Bobby. Sam stop. Sam!'

Before it registered, I slammed back one more time and landed a punch so heavy, he reeled back so fast I heard the thump echo in my head.

Bobby?

Bobby! Oh no. No. Please no.

My eyes snapped open and landed on my surrogate father's body slumped back against the book shelf, blood oozing from his mouth, his eyes closed.

'Bobby!' I scrambled up from my position and tore over to him. 'Bobby. Oh God, Bobby wake up.' Even when I slapped his face he wouldn't wake up. Nothing I did woke him up. He was out cold – or worse; dead.

I'd killed Bobby.

Oh God, I killed Bobby.

_(to be continued…)_

**_Thanks again for the reviews people! _**


	21. Chapter 21

_**Wow, Chapter 20 was so greatly received. Sorry about the evil cliffhanger and apologies for not updating sooner. Also sorry for not replying to each of them personally. They were more than fantastic! I loved every single one of them.**_

_**Once again, I want to say thank you so much to those that let me know their thoughts. ****I have cracked the 100 thanks to you guys! Which is very exciting to me. **_

**Chapter 21**

_**Dean**_

I heard his screaming. It almost crippled me. They were horrifying blood curdling screams which echoed down the phone so loud and thick it felt like I was in the very next room. But I wasn't and I needed to be. And this was precisely why being so damn far away was a monumental mistake – and disaster.

I gave it three minutes. Those three minutes felt like five centuries. Bobby basically ordered me not to touch my phone until he called me back. It was best to give him time to settle Sam down before being interrupted he told me. Well three minutes was longer than long enough and if my brother was screaming like that I wanted to know the hell why. And help him if I could.

Even if it was through a freaking phone.

Bobby didn't answer. He could be a stubborn old coot at times. What did he think? I would get in the way? Well screw that. This was about Sammy and when stuff was about Sammy it was about me too. I had every right to know what the hell was going down over there.

So I called my brother not really expecting him to answer. I pictured Bobby putting him to bed, reading him a bedtime story and rubbing his forehead for some not-so-crazy reason. Maybe it was because of their newfound fantasy of domesticated bliss or maybe it was because I was a bitter son of a bitch. Either way though, Sam I don't think needed that kind of thing. Sam I think needed me.

When the call connected I took a step back. 'Dean!' Was my brother's desperate greeting. My whole body jolted with fear at his terrified tone.

'Sam, are you okay?' When he didn't answer, I added; 'Where's Bobby? Put Bobby on.'

'I can't.' Was he crying? He was. He was crying. What the hell was going on in that house? Automatically I grabbed my jacket from the hanger in the cupboard and the keys from the dresser ready to make the move to my car.

'Why not?'

'Because I killed him.'

'You-' What did he just say? Christ did my stomach drop to my feet. With a hitch in my voice and my body frozen still, I whispered 'No, Sam, you didn't.' He couldn't have. He just couldn't have.

'Yes I did!' He shouted too loud for my ear to handle, 'I did Dean, he's dead! Bobby's dead!'

'Fricking hell Sam! This is exactly why this wasn't a good idea!' I shrieked in response still not believing his words. 'Look.' I had to calm down and get him calmed down as well. Both of us needed to think properly. 'Tell me what happened? Is he breathing? What's going on?'

'He's DEAD!'

'Sam! Listen to me! Take a deep breath and listen. You need to go to him and check his pulse? Have you done that?'

'He won't wake up.' He sobbed.

'Have you called the paramedics? I'll call them. Just – stay on the line okay?' Darting over to the cordless phone on the nightstand, I dialed the number with a shaky hand while still listening to my brother's frantic breathing and crying. Holding two phones to each ear didn't strike me as strange, although it was a little confusing, especially when Sam spoke.

'Dean, you think maybe…'

'What Sammy?' I asked as someone on the emergency line answered.

'Cas could heal him?'

Cas! You idiot Dean! I recited off the address to the operator with lightening speed even though I had no idea of Bobby's condition and hung up. I couldn't take Sam's word as fact; not in his state. Anyway I wouldn't. Bobby had to be alive…and if Sam was right and he wasn't then Cas could not only heal him, he could zap me over there within a split second.

'Good idea.' I said while he continued to sob. If that sound alone didn't hurt like a million more gunshots to the chest. 'I'll call for Cas, but in the meantime just go over and check his pulse okay? You remember all this don't you? You know what to do.'

'No. I don't.'

'Then get a bowl of water and throw it on him.' _When life threw you lemons…_'Go now Sam. Do it.'

_**Sam**_

The water made Bobby alive again. He coughed and spluttered and kicked his foot out as he sat up. Thank God Dean knew what to do. Probably wasn't the recommended way to wake someone up but at least it worked. 'The paramedics are on their way.' I said to him nervously while helping him rest against the bookshelf.

'I don't need no paramedics.' He told me. 'Call them back and cancel.'

He really did seem okay. I mean he tested his jaw to check if it was broken and winced when he moved but overall he seemed just like normal Bobby …albeit banged up…by me.

'I'm so sorry.' I said standing back when he pushed my hands away from him. 'I thought you were Lucifer.'

'I know.'

If only it _was_ the devil. I couldn't have done it to the devil though; I never did.

Just to Bobby.

I reached onto a shelf behind him and pulled a tissue from a dusty, bent to hell box and handed it to him. The blood was still dripping from his split lip. 'Are you alright?' If the guilt wasn't ripping me to pieces, being a useless, worthless and inadequate piece of crap was. Not only had I hurt him, not only could I have killed him but now that he was alive and in pain, I didn't even know what to do to fix him. And he sounded mad. I couldn't blame him. I did smash him hard enough to send him flying back into the wall knocking him out cold. He had every right to hate me.

'I'm fine. Just call the paramedics and cancel. Please.'

Before I could make a move Dean called my cell again. Bobby struggled to work his way up the shelves into a standing position while I greeted my brother with: 'He's not dead. He's okay.'

'Oh thank God.' He sighed in sheer relief. 'Look buddy, I can't get hold of Cas. I'll keep trying but I think I should head on over there.'

'You don't have to come all this way. Bobby's fine. He-' Our older friend snatched the phone from my hand cutting short the rest of my words.

His voice edged with grouchy authority as he spoke. 'Dean, don't you even think of coming here boy. Everything is handled. You just stay there. I'll deal with this.'

I slumped down on the couch and wiped my eyes. God knows I needed my brother. God knows Bobby needed his help with the psychopath that was me but for reasons I couldn't quite comprehend, Bobby didn't think it was a good idea. And even though I didn't understand why, I was in no shape to argue…with anything. What did I know? Every action I ever took was wrong. It was time I listened to others because they obviously saw things I didn't. This story of my life; my immense screw ups due to my desperate need to put my own thought processes above anyone else's had to stop right now. And to do that I had to quit listening to myself and listen to Bobby and Dean. It was my only hope.

_**Dean **_

'Everything is not handled though is it?' I replied leaning the phone in between my shoulder and cheek so I could use two hands to shove my shirts into my bag. 'Far from it by the sounds of it.'

'There are going to be setbacks Dean.' Bobby said to me. 'It's not going to be all apple pie and roses. We knew this when we left.'

'Yeah we did. Exactly. That's why it was a dumbass idea.'

'You need to stay there.'

I straightened up and returned my right hand to the receiver. The phone call before - before Sam lost it; he was trying to convince me not to move to Sioux Falls. And now; even though my brother was screaming for reasons I still didn't know and a life-threatening situation that I still knew nothing about occurred, he still didn't want me there.

'Why do I need to stay here?' I questioned him. 'Why are you so hell bent on doing this alone?'

'Because it's for the best. For everyone.'

No, that was not possible. Sam and I apart was never for the best. Never. 'For you, you mean?'

'How is it better for me? I'm talking about the two of you.'

'How?' My socks were the next to go in, then my jeans. T-shirts after that.

'Because I think if you are around, he won't ever recover. He leans on you too much and he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. In the meantime, you can live your life with Lisa and Ben instead of sacrificing it for something I can do just as well.'

Toothbrush and shaver.

The reverberation of the sirens through the line caused me to breathe out and Bobby to breathe in. 'I don't need no paramedics.' He grumbled.

'Just let them check you over, have a good night's sleep and I'll be there by the time you wake up.' I said to him stepping into the bathroom and pulling items from the cabinet.

'So there's no talking you out of it?'

'I don't know why you're even trying.'

'And this thing with Lisa? That's it then?'

'She can come down later.' Where was my toiletries bag? Bottom drawer, that's right. Lisa moved it there only last night.

'And if she doesn't?'

'She will.'

'Dean, if she doesn't?'

My reflection in the mirror caught my eye. Finally Dean Winchester stared back at me. He'd been lost for so long, reduced to nothing more than a functioning eighth of a man. During the past year when my little brother was…gone, I would have done anything to have him back. Anything. Now that he was, I would still hold true to that. Not only because of any promise to myself or otherwise, not only because I wanted to, but because it was me. It was who Dean Winchester was. Plain and simple.

'If she doesn't she doesn't.' I said.

'So that's it then? You are willing to throw away everything you have with them for your brother? '

'Yes.'

'You'll never change.'

'I never want to.' I smiled at myself.

_**Sam**_

'You're mad.' I stated to Bobby after the paramedics left and gave us the all clear. Hard bang to the head, a few cuts and bruises but nothing serious. I'd jumped head first into a conclusion and forgot all my senses. Thinking back I did know what to do. I did remember all my training and experience but at the time I froze, panicked and lost my head. Those words just about defined me now. My reactions to crisis left me feeling empty and disheartened. What I had left; my courage, my ability to handle situations under intense pressure and my competence was gone. I had nothing. I was nothing.

'I'm not mad.' He was pulling my blankets down for me like I was a kid. Worse; a baby. If anything, I should be the one getting him into bed. Making sure he was tucked up and feeling okay but no, the injured, bloodied and bruised old man was 'taking care' of me. And I hated it. With a passion.

'I can do this.' Standing there like a pathetic idiot watching him dote was getting me pissed. He was cringing when he leant over the bed, screwing up his face when he puffed the pillows. I couldn't handle much I admit but getting into bed I could do. 'Let me do it.'

'Done.' He said proudly. 'Brushed your teeth?'

Was he for real?

'Sam?'

'Yes.' I frowned like a petulant kid.

'Okay. Good. Lights out in five okay? I'll be back to check. Call me if you need anything. '

_I need you to back off_, I thought but didn't say. Even though every rebellious fiber in me kicked to free itself, I remembered my promise to do as instructed. They knew best; I didn't. So I climbed into the lumpy yet most comfortable bed I'd had in a long while and leant over to switch off the lamp. Dean would be here in the morning. All I had to do was close my eyes, get through the night terrors when I could sleep and the dark and torturous hours when I couldn't and by the time the sun rose, he would be here; with me and for me. The selfish pangs never stopped hammering at my guts but Dean was determined. He was coming to Sioux Falls for himself as well. He as good as said as much. And that made it okay.

He would be here by daybreak. Thank God.

Things were always that much better when my big brother was with me.

_(To be continued...)_

_**Not even a cliffhanger. See, I can be nice sometimes :)**_


	22. Chapter 22

_**This chapter is all from Dean's POV. I just couldn't find a way around it. Will be more balanced next chapter. On that; thanks for sticking with me through so many. I am trying my hardest to finish! Shouldn't be too much longer - I hope!**_

**Chapter 22**

_**Dean**_

Four A.M I pulled up in Bobby's driveway gutted to see light shining through the living room window. Either someone was up or one of them had fallen asleep on the couch I planned on crashing as soon as I stepped through the frickin door. I was dead tired. I'd driven for so long without a stop so I could sleep this off and start all over again tomorrow.

The last thing I felt like doing was holding a conversation – with anyone. For a minute I considered staying put and settling myself into the Impala. Wasn't such a strange prospect seeing as though I'd dozed in her probably a thousand times over, but being in front of Bobby's house with the old man and my brother inside, well, it didn't feel right. And I was all about doing right, wasn't I?

I felt it myself; I was in a mood. Not because I was here. That wasn't it. Overwhelming relief washed over me the second I turned into Bobby's street. I wasn't regretting my decision; not one bit. I guess really it was having _that _talk with Lisa and then Ben that did it. And it wasn't a long one; nothing about it was long. It was just a sad one. One that still lingered in my head and tore at my guts.

Yes I was feeling as guilty as hell and the guilt wouldn't budge. But seeing their faces when they realized exactly what I was saying was even worse. Their tears when they each hugged me for the last time, my own when I waved them goodbye. It was tough. From start to finish it was tough.

And it wasn't like it started off so hot either. The first thing I spotted after zipping my packed bag was Lisa leaning on the door frame, her eyebrows raised and her arms folded. My heart sank. This wasn't how I wanted to tell her, especially when she fixed me with a glare and said a sarcastic: 'Going somewhere?'

'Sit down?' I swallowed searching my mind for best ways to say this.

She frowned and moved over to the edge of the bed. 'What's going on?' My calm reply dwindled her attitude but caused her confusion. She expected me to bite back. When I didn't, I think it scared her to the core and with every reason. This wasn't just some dumb argument, this was actually… _it_.

I slid my bag away and sat next to her. 'Sam had another episode. At Bobby's.'

'Oh no Dean. Is he okay?' She immediately softened; all scowl and anger dissipated and I didn't know if that made things easier or harder.

'Yeah, he is now I think. I mean, being so far away I don't really know for sure. I have to go by what he and Bobby tells me.'

Another hand on my knee for support.

Definitely harder.

Taking a deep breath didn't do a damn thing. Glancing at her made it worse so I looked down at my no longer calloused hands while she sat there waiting for me to speak.

'I have to move to Sioux Falls.' I said directly but still gently. 'Now.'

It was only when she didn't respond that I found the nerve to meet her eyes. She stared right back for the longest time searching for something and finding nothing.

'Move?' she asked. 'Or visit?'

'Move.'

There was that expression I dreaded the most. The pure and utter comprehension that I was leaving her and her son; surprise and shock mixed with anguish and despair. If there was one thing I knew, it was how much she loved me. She never let me doubt it, not once and this was how I repaid her. She didn't deserve it. She never deserved me.

'But we haven't even talked about it. You didn't give me a chance to even think about it Dean.'

'I know. I'm sorry.' I said. 'I really am Lis but…it's Sam.' I shrugged trying my hardest not to fall to pieces. 'It's Sam.' And that was all there was to it. Something she couldn't argue with or fight because she knew she would never, in a million years, win.

After a slow nod she took her hand away from my leg. 'You don't want us to come do you?'

'You don't want to come.'

'No. You don't want us to come do you?' Her tears told me she already knew the answer to that as well as I did. 'Dean, just say it. Please. It will help me if you just say it.' She almost begged.

'I do want you to come.' I said honestly. 'But I don't think you should.'

'For Sam's sake?'

'For everyone's sake. I can't be any good to you and Ben when all I can think about is looking after him. And I can't be any good to Sam if I'm not there for him completely.'

'And when he gets back on his feet? What happens to you then?'

I shrugged. It didn't matter. To see my brother back on track would be enough. Even if he wanted to take off and live a normal life with a normal girl in normal suburbia nowhere near me, it wouldn't matter. Losing him for that long, knowing how he was suffering – after all he sacrificed to save every single soul on this earth – knowing the heart the kid had and also remembering what I would have given to have him back and alive when we were both at our lowest…Man I'd give it all. Everything.

'Dean? What happens to you then?' She repeated.

'Then I'll be happy.' I replied.

'At long last.' She kind of smiled sadly.

I nodded. 'At long last.'

So there we had it. I admired her strength because I could see right through it. She was crumbling and crushed. Her heart was broken and life as she knew it had just been ripped right out of her hands. Yet she was taking it well for my sake. Not her's but mine… and Ben's because here I was leaving him as well. Just walking out the door with not much intention of looking back. A year ago he'd opened his arms for me, welcomed me into his house, heart and life. He saw me as the father he never had. And just like the father he never had, I was abandoning him…and not looking back. Men like me; men that did that to kids didn't deserve to be fathers. They didn't deserve kids like Ben.

'You're not coming back?' Was the little guy's wide eyed response when Lisa and I sat him down at the dining table and told him. I watched as his breathing became more rapid and he looked at his mother for some kind of help; some kind of reassurance that what he was hearing wasn't actually happening.

'I'm sorry buddy.' I said not knowing what else to say.

'He needs to go and help his brother.' Lisa smiled at him eyes wet with tears.

'Dean. Please don't go. Please.' If that alone didn't almost break me in half.

'You can call me anytime-'

'Dean don't.' Lisa jumped in shaking her head. She was right of course. If I wasn't going to look back, they needed to look forward. It was only fair.

'Mom?'

'It'll be okay honey.' She nodded and cupped her hand over his. 'We'll be okay but Sam needs to be okay too and the only one who can help him with that is Dean.'

'But,' he looked from her to me. I gave him a smile even though it was filled with epic sorrow. 'Can't Sam move in here? He can have my room.'

He was such a great kid. He didn't deserve me. Neither of them did. One day they'd realize just how better off they were without me in their lives. Just not today.

And that really sucked.

…

I used my key to Bobby's front door hoping above hope he was asleep on the armchair. Even if he was though his reactions were so sharp, he'd no doubt be on me as soon as I clicked the lock.

'Good timing.' Sure enough there he was, in my face ripping the door from my hand before I even took a step inside.

'What are you doing up?' I greeted noticing he was still dressed in his usual day clothes. 'You haven't been to bed have you?'

'Waiting for you.'

'You were hurt you idiot.' I rolled my eyes and moved past him. 'Tell me Sam's asleep.'

'Sam's asleep.'

I threw my bag on the couch and took a seat running my hands through my hair. I really just wanted to lie down and escape this whole freaking day. 'How's he doing?'

'Good now as far as I can tell.'

Then it was time to check the old man out. He looked like crap and probably – actually – before I wanted sleep - I wanted to know what the hell happened here.

'So that's that.' He exclaimed at the end of his story. 'Short and sweet.'

'Not so sweet.' I yawned. It was okay now though. Bobby was fine, Sammy was tucked up in bed and I was here. And If I was here, it was going to be okay. Sam would get better. Lucifer was no match for me; not anymore and not when he was in Sammy's head. I would get through to him and we'd beat this.

'How'd it go with Lisa and Ben?' Bobby asked me just as a noise sounded on the second story. By the time we both turned our heads, a sleepy but fast Sam appeared at the bottom of the stairs.

'You made it.' He smiled. Seeing that smile gave me the energy to stand up and beam back at him. This was the reason I'd left the house I called a home for a year with the family I called my family, but it was reason enough. And what could I say; seeing the kid smiling always planted a smile on my face too.

'Go back to bed Sam. He'll still be here in the morning.' Bobby instructed as he interrupted us from his position on the armchair.

My sidewards glance didn't reach him, it was too curious to see Sam's reaction.

'I just wanted to say hi. I heard him and-'

'Well you can say hi in the morning.' Bobby said almost too firmly. 'Come on. Upstairs. Bed.'

My brother's smile was gone. Just like that: gone. 'Hold on.' I said not liking what I was seeing. 'Five minutes won't hurt.'

'Dean, he needs his sleep.'

'Yeah, well so do you but I don't see you taking any naps.' I glared at Bobby. 'Five minutes won't hurt.'

He raised his hands in surrender and said a defensive; 'You're the boss.'

My frown didn't go unnoticed by either of them and judging by Sam's: 'It's okay. You must be tired anyway. I'll see you in the morning,' he wanted to avoid as much conflict as possible. He turned towards the stairs and mumbled a 'G'night,' before taking them two at a time.

I spun around to Bobby who was now stepping into the kitchen. 'What was that?' I questioned as I followed him in.

'You shouldn't undermine me Dean. That isn't what Sam needs.' He had the nerve to say to me shaking off his cap and throwing it onto the counter.

'So what? He needs to be treated like a kid does he?'

'Don't be stupid. I'm not treating him like a kid.'

'Dude that sounded exactly like my dad.'

'Don't call me 'dude'.' He scrunched up his face in distaste. Like that was the part I wanted him to hear. God.

'What are you doing?' I asked him still amazed at what I'd just witnessed.

'I'm trying,' he started sliding out a chair quite loudly for someone so desperate to have someone else asleep, 'to settle him into a routine. Just like I've always said. And to do that,' he continued with a tone I didn't much appreciate, 'he needs set times, boundaries and …routine!'

'He's an adult, you do get that right?'

'He's not acting much like an adult.' And there it was. As good as admitted. 'He is all over the place Dean and the only way I can think to control him is by...somewhat controlling him. The very second he walked through this front door I wanted to give him stability and consistency. That is what Sam needs. And if he needs to be treated like a kid for a bit, then so be it I say.'

'But don't you get it? Sam has never responded to that kind of thing. That might work for someone else, but not Sam. Never Sam. You of all people know that.' Me of all people knew that.

Man, did I know that.

'Then what? What do we do?'

'We work together. We treat him like one of us and we do it together. That's what works with Sam.'

'Three of us doing different things is too many cooks Dean. That doesn't give him consistency, that gives him utter chaos and confusion.'

'So that's why you don't want me here?' I risked pushing my own need for him to deny that aside. The truth needed to come out even if it did offend me or made me feel unwanted in the only other house I had called a home.

Again he screwed up his face, 'Don't be ridiculous boy. Of course I want you here. This is your house as much as it is mine. But I guess, yeah, I don't think both of us at different posts will do him any good.'

'Then,' I shrugged, 'we get on the same post.'

He nodded and raised his eyebrows full of doubt. 'That's not so easy when we're dealing with something we have no idea how to deal with.'

'Maybe,' I agreed. 'but we need to try.'

With a shrug and a defeated expression, he filled me with absolutely no confidence at all. 'Like I said; you're the boss.'

And with an attitude like that, we were screwed.

_(To be continued...)_

**_Thanks again for the reviews. I really do intend to answer each and every one of them but these meds I'm on mess with my mind and I end up not knowing what I'm doing - or what I've done half the time. Then hours turns into days and...you get the picture. But thank you! Every one of them I appreciate probably more than you know. :)_**


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

_**Sam**_

Dean was still asleep on the couch and Bobby was nowhere to be found when I hit downstairs. I kind of felt like I should go outside and look for him; ask him what I should do next but that was crazy-stupid so instead sat on the armchair and waited for Dean to wake up.

I had no idea how long I'd been sitting there when he opened his eyes, sat up and stretched out his back. Even when he asked me; I just replied 'Not long.' The clock said six thirty-six A.M. as I walked out of my bedroom but that's all I knew. I couldn't even fathom a guess at what time it was now.

'What's the time?' Dean asked me as if he was psychic or something.

'I don't know.'

'About?'

'Umm…?'

He gave me one of his looks but then saved me by picking up his phone and turning it on. 'Where's Bobby?'

'I don't know.' I sounded like an imbecile, I was aware, but I really didn't know the answers to these questions. 'He wasn't here when I came down.' I added to make it at least sound as though I had a few brain cells left.

Thankfully I received a nod instead of another glare. His phone sprang to life and told him half the information he required. 'Ten forty.'

'Ten forty?' No way. No way was I down here for that long. Four hours? No way. Maybe an hour tops – maybe two - but four?

'I know. This is the latest I've slept for awhile. But it's also the latest I got to sleep in a long time too. Not really used to this anymore.'

'How was the drive?'

'Long.' He said while massaging his neck. 'Show me this room of yours.'

'Maybe we could fit another bed in here or a mattress or something.' I suggested when he jumped on top of my blankets, swung out his legs and looked around. He seemed like he was in a good mood. 'You know, just until Lisa and Ben come.'

His face dropped which in turn caused mine to. 'Did I say something wrong?'

'No.' he put on a smile for me again. 'Cool room. No clutter. That's the Sammy I know.'

'Well, I don't have much –' God I could say some stupid things sometimes.

'No, I guess you don't. We should go get you some things. Like whatever guys have in their rooms. Get some porn on these bare walls.'

I managed a laugh and leant against the door frame. It was a pretty good feeling having a room in a house all to myself – and my brother if he wanted it; which he didn't really reply to making me wonder why.

'How was Lisa when you told her you were coming?' I asked steering back the conversation to the important stuff.

'Good.' He smiled up at me in typical Dean fashion – which meant something was not right.

'Dude?' I questioned straightening up. I swear if I was the cause of something bad happening between them again, I would scream.

'Good I said.' He stood up and checked through my drawers for I don't know what. Usually I would tell him to stop snooping through my things but for some reason it didn't really worry me this time.

'So when are they coming?'

'They're not.' He turned around. 'Which is fine because that's the way I want it. So,' he said when I opened my mouth to argue the hell out of that, 'there's nothing more to say.'

'But Dean-'

'Sammy, there's nothing more to say, so don't.' His eyes didn't leave mine. 'Okay? Just leave it.'

The last thing I wanted to do was 'just leave it'. In fact I literally had to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying another word but he was still fixing me with a full on glare; one that told me big brother had spoken. So I nodded, turned around and stepped down the stairs hoping to find Bobby in the kitchen. He wasn't and I was hungry so I opened the fridge pulled out all the stuff I'd need to make Dean and I some toast and tried, so very hard to shift this guilt that was slowly trying to overtake me.

What had he done? I was sure Lisa would make the move. Positive. I didn't doubt it for one second. Even when Bobby put the possibility in my head I felt like it was all going to be alright; a happy ending for all of us…even a new beginning…but now, it seems it was just more heartache and sacrifice for the one person who didn't deserve it the most.

'So, about yesterday.' I spun around in fright at the voice penetrating through the room but then relaxed when I found Dean pulling out a chair to sit on. I hadn't heard him come down the stairs, hadn't heard him follow me into the kitchen. My senses were all whacked out. Nothing about me was what I used to be. I was a danger to myself - and to others. God, if my dad was here…'Tell me why you freaked out.'

'Hey do you want eggs? Bobby's got eggs.' I asked him wondering exactly what my dad would say about me. Nothing good probably. I was now precisely what he didn't want me to be…but then again, I was always precisely what he didn't want me to be.

'Yeah fine.'

'What kind?' And now I was precisely what Dean didn't want me to be as well – weak.

'Any kind.' I watched him frown. 'So about yesterday?'

'Didn't Bobby fill you in?' I asked grabbing the eggs from the fridge. Scrambled, I decided. Much like my mind.

'He did but I want to know what was going on in your head.'

'Nothin' good.' I had to use them all if I scrambled. Maybe I could grow a pair and actually leave the house to get more later on. Imagine that! Going to a store all by myself. What a man! God.

'You thought he was Lucifer?'

I hoped he didn't see me shake and almost drop three eggs at the word but when he stood and moved over to me, I figured he did. 'Hey, it's okay. We're just talking.'

'Since when do you want to talk?' I asked trying to cool myself down. Suddenly I was burning hot and breaking into a sweat. My hands refused to remain still and my mind was beginning to swirl again. Why? Because my brother said the word? It was just a word.

'Sammy, come and sit down.'

'The eggs-'

'Screw the eggs.'

'But I'm hungry. Aren't you hungry? You must be.'

I felt him grab hold of my arm but wrenched it away too aggressively. 'No!'

'Okay.' He raised his hands in defeat making me feel bad. He was only trying to help me. I knew that but right now I couldn't talk about what he wanted to talk about. Right now I wanted eggs – scrambled – on toast.

_**Dean**_

'Sammy, do you think we should get you on some medication?' The way those eyes shot back at me destroyed me. My brother loved to think of himself as strong and capable. He wasn't used to being so broken and me even suggesting he turn to pills for help – because I didn't know if I could do it on my own, probably destroyed him as well. And that alone, caused my tears to well as much as it did his.

'How do we get medication Dean? What do I say? I need pills because the devil took me over and I led him all the way to hell, but now I'm back and I'm all totally screwed up? They'd commit me in a second. Or is that what you want?'

'Of course it's not.'

'Bobby can help me.' _Even if I can't_…that's what he was thinking. 'I, –' He pointed to himself, 'can help me.'

'It was just a question Sam. Just wanted to know if you wanted to try it. Just to get you back on your feet.'

'No! I don't!'

'Okay.' I said to him noticing smoke rising from the toaster. Hopefully it would pop soon and not burn down the whole freaking house. I didn't know whether I should save the toast or save my brother. Either way though this was just going to add another dint to his confidence. 'Sammy, the toast.' I chose to save both. He could at least pop the damn thing and feel a little useful.

'I can't even do this right!' He screamed, throwing the black bread across the room towards the trash.

'Everyone burns toast Sam. Even I have on occasion.' It was meant to be a joke; lighten the mood but when I saw the fire in his eyes, I could see he took it different.

'Where's Bobby?' He asked breaking my own confidence. He wanted Bobby. Not me. Bobby. 'He needs to do this. I can't. I can't do it.'

'Do what?'

'Make frickin scrambled eggs!'

'Of course you can. Don't take one little setback as failure. Just start again.' His hands were shaking and his breathing worried me; it was too fast and too heavy. Bringing up Lucifer and medication in the space of two minutes was probably the stupidest thing I could have done. If only I knew that at the time.

'I can't.'

'You can.'

'I can't!' He moved over to the table where I was sitting and picked up his cell. I decided to watch him – observe him instead of stepping in and ripping the thing out of his shaking hands.

'Bobby, it's me. Can you come home please? Now please?...Thank you. Bye.'

He didn't dare look at me because he knew what I would think about all that. Just placed down the phone and walked over to the front door. I continued to watch him as he opened it, stepped out and closed it behind him. He actually walked out the front to wait for Bobby to come home much like he used to wait for dad when he was a kid. At least Bobby would come though; that was the difference there. And maybe that would help him.

Because right now, I obviously couldn't.

When I sat back in the chair, I rubbed my eyes willing myself not to stand up and follow him. If I did and found him sitting on the stairs just waiting, I think I would either scream or pull down the house nail by nail. Or really; probably both.

Bobby's truck pulled up not ten minutes later. When they stepped in together I realized I hadn't moved and the toast – that I intended to pick up - was still lying on the floor, burnt crumbs and all.

Bobby greeted me with two pats on my back. They were supportive taps but silent ones. I doubted Sam even noticed. I smiled up at him and he gave me a sympathetic glance back, dropping his keys right in front of me. 'So you want eggs?' He turned to Sam and said lightly.

'Yes, please.' He replied standing by the fridge, still not looking at me.

'Okay, so it looks like you were halfway through.' Bobby said once he'd scanned the counter and the stove.

'I was but I can't finish it.'

'Why not?'

'I just can't.'

He nodded but then spotted the toast on the ground. 'What's that doing there?' He peered at Sam who glanced back blankly.

'Sam?'

'I'll pick it up.'

'Did you throw it?'

'I'll pick it up.'

'Before you do,' He said stopping my brother in his tracks with mere words, 'did you throw it?'

Sam nodded.

'In temper?'

Again Sam nodded.

'You don't throw things in this house, you understand?'

Another nod. All this was making me feel sick. My brother was twenty-eight years old and here he was being treated like a toddler. And worse; responding like one too. I honestly felt like I was going to throw up, but still, I continued to sit there, transfixed on what was going on around me.

'Pick it up and put it in the trash where it belongs.'

When Sam leant over and did as he was told, Bobby and I exchanged a look. One that said totally different things but one that shared an understanding. He was right in one way; controlling Sam was in fact controlling Sam. And that truly sucked because that told me just how long and bumpy this road was going to be.

'So let's start all this over shall we?'

'Yeah.' Sam said to him.

'Put the bread in the toaster.'

For God's sake.

_(To be continued…)_


	24. Chapter 24

_**This is a longer chapter, mainly because I am really trying to finish. Not really happening though it seems. **_

_**Once again thank you to everybody who reviewed, added to alerts/faves and read. Much love to you all :)**_

**Chapter 24**

_**Sam**_

I watched him through the window. Sitting out the back on a fold out chair with a case of beer next to him, surrounded by beat up cars he was eyeing one by one. Bobby placed a hand on my shoulder while he stood behind me probably following my gaze to my brother.

'How're you feeling now?' He asked me.

'Like an idiot.'

'He's only trying to help you. He just doesn't know how.'

'I know.' I looked back at him. 'Do you want me to do anything else?' Dishes were done, counter scrubbed, floor swept, stove cleaned, table wiped; all by me. While Bobby watched – or should I say supervised; every detail, correcting me when I did wrong, pointing out when I missed a spot.

'You can take the trash out on your way to your brother. That _is_ where you're headed isn't it?'

'Yeah.'

Dean only realized I was there when I unfolded my chair with one hand and placed it down beside him. 'Got a beer for me?' I asked him.

He handed me one and took a swig of his own. The damn lid was on too tight and it was a bitch trying to get it off but I was determined. I could handle a damn screw top. 'Hey listen, I'm sorry about before.'

'S'okay.' He said staring straight ahead.

'It's just –' Usually it was then he would stop me from saying anymore, but he didn't. He continued to focus on the white and rusted Toyota at the furthest point of the yard. 'I don't want to go on any medication.'

'I got that.'

'Yeah I guess you did.' We both took another gulp at the same time. 'Yesterday I freaked out because I thought Bobby was going to stop you coming. I mean there was other stuff as well, but that was the main thing. And then I don't know why, but it felt like Lucifer was coming for me – and he was angry; really angry, like he always was…'

Dean looked at me with eyes that compelled me to continue. 'I thought he was going to slice me up and so I kicked and hit out at him – or what I thought was him, only it was Bobby.'

'Is that what happened to you down...stairs? He sliced you up?' He struggled to say. I hated when he struggled - with anything.

'Among other things.' Always after any kind of meltdown, I came up stronger and I wondered if that was normal – but what was normal? An hour ago there was no way I could have said this stuff, now it seemed easier. That's all I knew.

'Tell me what happened.'

'So much - and you know what, it doesn't even matter because it was no worse than you went through.'

'Eighty more years Sam.'

'Yeah, well. I'm out now.'

'And how exactly are you out?'

'I told you, with the help of Cas and other angels but Michael mostly.'

'But how?'

'I don't really know. I mean it was a combination of things but I managed to take control and once I was free of him, Michael held him down and the angels and I opened the door; them with their language, me with brute force. It took thousands of tries. Over and over again and for awhile there I thought it would never happen, but we kept at it; it had to be perfect and one time, it worked. And suddenly I was out. There was a lot of enochian, a lot of fighting and a lot of mind control. Sometimes I was with it, other times I wasn't. I can't tell you anymore than that. I don't even remember half of it.'

'And…_him_?' Scared of saying the word now. I couldn't blame him. If he did, I'd probably have a freak out once again.

'A lot of the time he was fighting it, but most of the time he was just angry. Really, really angry.'

'Wanting revenge on you.'

'Yeah. But like I said, I'm out now.'

He closed his eyes as he said: 'You know what. I bet the worst things I could imagine wouldn't even come close to what you went through.'

'So don't imagine.' I said looking down at my fingers, not inclined to tell him the visuals Lucifer so kindly flashed in front of my eyes. Not willing to let him know I saw exactly what they did to him, how they tortured him and cut him up and then started all over again the next day. I didn't want to tell him how I couldn't close my eyes or shut it out. The devil made me watch it, made me watch every single detail while the background music he played was of his callous and evil laugh. And then when he was done, he'd show me again; on a continuous cycle. Again and again and again. Whatever else happened to me, that was the worst of it; watching my brother suffer like he did and knowing it was truth.

And I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it.

I shook my head and slammed my eyes shut, but the tears rolled out one by one. I turned to face away from him so he wouldn't see and took another gulp of beer; a long one.

'But your right,' I heard him say, 'You're out now.'

'And totally messed up.'

'Yeah, but you'll get through it. You will. If you let me help you too.'

Right then, I could only nod.

'I'm on your side Sammy. You know that don't you?'

'Always know that.' I wiped my eyes and smiled at him.

'So, tell me what you need? Tell me what kind of help you want from me.'

'I'm not really in the position to tell you that.'

'Then tell me what works.'

'I don't know.'

'How Bobby's doing it?' He asked hopefully, desperately needing a solution.

'No.' I laughed. 'Nothing annoys me more than how Bobby is doing it.'

He looked at me in confusion. 'But you called him.'

'I know. Go figure.'

'I'm not following.'

'I'm insane.' I laughed, 'I don't think you're meant to.'

_**Dean**_

'Just be yourself Dean.' He said to me when I couldn't shift the utter lost expression on my face. 'I just need…you.'

I nodded not convinced.

'But you have to think about what you need as well. Lisa and Ben; they would have come wouldn't they?'

'Yeah, they would have, but it wouldn't have worked.'

'Why not?'

'Because I can't be in two places at once.'

'So you threw it all away to save me again.'

'What would you've done?' I looked at him with all the blankness I could muster. Not wanting to sway him any way. Just wanting the truth to come out so he could understand. His eyes were wet; tears still threatening to continue. I supposed mine were the same. 'Sammy, tell me, what would you have done?'

'You know what I would've done.'

'Say it.'

'The same.'

With a shrug and after another swig I said, 'So don't fight it.'

'But it's not fair on you.'

'Let me decide what's fair on me.' When he didn't reply, I continued, 'Don't take it on. Just know there is nothing more I want than to be here with you. That's all you need to know and I know,' I smiled for him, 'you wouldn't want to deprive me of what I want the most right?'

'You deserve it all though Dean.'

'That's not the way it rolls with us. You should know that by now.'

'Yeah, well, it sucks.'

'That it does little brother.' I finished off my beer and grabbed another one. 'But there was nothing worse than losing you to that place and all I wanted every second of every day was to get you back…and it happened. Other people don't get so lucky. So I'm happy.' I raised my bottle to his and we clinked it with a smile.

'Even if I'm screwed to hell.'

'Even if you're screwed to hell.'

_**Sam**_

I shot up in a panic, dripping in sweat. Nothing new; just another night. I peeled off my t-shirt, tossed it onto the ground, kicked off the remaining sheet and lay back down relieved it was just a bad dream- well a terrifying dream. My heart was still racing and my breathing was taking its sweet ass time to settle but it was a new kind of normal for me now and I never expected anything else. As I wiped my hair from my forehead and turned my head to check the time, a scream erupted. For a second I figured it was my own but when it happened again I realized it wasn't coming from my room, but from the one directly across the hall.

Dean!

The three of us had only just set up his room before we went to bed. When Bobby disappeared that morning he'd loaded a new bed, two lamps, a digital alarm clock and second hand drawers onto his truck. Even though I remembered all this, when I bolted in there I smashed my knee against his bedside drawers and tripped over a leg on his bed, falling right onto him. 'Sorry. You okay?' I asked him. The blue hue coming from the clock emitted enough light for me to see he was still dead asleep.

He was having a nightmare as well.

Another yell from him made me jump and flinch. His voice was deep and raspy and as he screamed his feet kicked and his body tossed. 'Dean.' I said sitting up, hoping my voice and movement would stir him.

'Sam, no.' I heard a voice from behind me say. I pulled something in my neck when I whirled around. It was just Bobby. Why couldn't I get used to it being someone human and safe? 'Don't wake him.'

'Why? We have to.'

My brother kicked me in the shin when he screamed again.

'Don't Sam.'

He was sweating as much as I was. I wrapped my hand around his bicep and shook him slightly.

'Sam! I mean it!' Bobby snarled. 'Don't you dare wake him.'

'Why? That stuff about not waking up someone from a nightmare isn't true. Dean!'

'Just go to bed.' Bobby commanded.

'No.'

'Okay, look, I'm asking you nicely here Sam. Just please go back to bed.'

Another scream, more kicking and tossing. No way was I going to leave him. No way in the world.

'No.'

'Sam!' Bobby tried again with a growl when I shook Dean again with a little more vigor.

'No.'

The old man actually grabbed hold of my left arm and tried to haul me up. 'Bobby, don't. Leave me alone!' Still he kept pulling me with force I didn't even know he had in him. 'What is wrong with you? I'm not leaving him. Quit it!' I ripped my arm out of his grasp and turned back to my brother. 'Dean, hey. Wake up man.'

'Sam, leave him. I've got this.'

'No you haven't.' I spun around and snarled at him. 'You don't' know what it's like! You haven't been there and if he is reliving even a second of that place, I want him awake! Dean!' I continued as I turned back to him. 'Why isn't he waking up?'

'He's in too deep.'

'Then get him out of it!' This time I shouted; in fact I rivaled Dean's volume because the thought of him being in too deep terrified me to the core. 'Get him out of it Bobby!'

Finally I saw Dean's eyes flicker. 'That's it!' I said to him calmly, sitting closer and shaking him some more. 'Come on, wake up. Please, just wake up.'

He was trying. God knows he was trying. 'It's just a dream.' I tried to tell him not sure he could hear me.

'Sam!' Finally he spoke and said my name. That meant he knew I was with him right? 'Sammy! Noooo!'

'Oh God. Bobby get him out! Quick. Please.' He was dreaming about that day, I was sure of it and the fear, torment and trauma in his voice was scaring the crap out of me; it was intense and petrified and I couldn't handle even the thought of what he went through when I jumped into that damn hole.

'Go back to bed Sam.' He shoved me so he could take my seat and this time I let him. 'Let me handle this. You don't need to see it.'

'I'm sorry Dean.' I said as I backed up against the wall and watched Bobby rub his arms to softly wake him.

'Sam, go back to bed. I'm not going to tell you again. I'll be in when I wake him. Go.'

'No!'

'You're not helping!' It was his turn to yell at me which was fine because it made Dean stir. I dashed over to the other side of the bed and sat down next to my brother, almost falling off. I gripped hold of his arms and shook him once again. Maybe too hard because even though this woke him, Bobby had to literally pry my hands from his skin.

'Oh thank God.' Dean sighed when he managed to open his eyes. 'Thank God.'

'You're telling me.' I said breathing out and noticing how much I was shaking.

'How're you doin'?' Bobby asked him.

He shook his head, frowned and sat up. 'Killer headache. Jesus.'

'Get him some aspirin.' I said to Bobby who fixed me with a heavy glare before doing so.

'What was it about?' I asked Dean just to be sure when I heard Bobby's feet on the tiles of the bathroom.

'Nothing Sammy.' He said swallowing and resting his head back on the new bedhead breathing in and out just as I was.

'You can tell me.'

'I know.'

'So tell me.'

'I don't remember.' He lied. And I accepted it because knowing Dean he wouldn't tell me anyway; no matter how much I begged him to.

'Does this happen a lot?'

'Nah.' Another lie. For my sake. I could tell.

'Go back to bed Sam.' Bobby sounded like a parrot when he handed Dean a glass of water and three pills. Or a broken record. No more like a squeaky, annoying, little parrot. 'Now.'

'Dean?' I looked at my brother. What he wanted, I would do. 'Do you want me to go?'

Dean glanced at Bobby and then back at me, 'No. Just five minutes.'

'He needs to.' Bobby told him seemingly unfazed at my brother's answer yet determined to get a point through to him; one I wasn't sure of.

'But go anyway Sammy.' Dean said to me. 'I'm okay.'

Freaking Bobby. Fair enough he tells me what to do when it has to do with me; I'd cop it. But not when it was about Dean. No hope.

I shrugged. 'Not going anywhere.'

'Sam do as you're told!' Bobby screeched in the God damned middle of the night.

'No! I said no! So no! You can't force me so you might as well accept it.'

'Guys-' I vaguely heard Dean say.

'In here Sam. Now.' He stood up, ready to step into my room with me following behind. I didn't. Just glared at him from my position on the bed feeling like a ten year old but knowing I was an adult. Yes a screwed up adult, but still an adult. I didn't have to do what he said all the frickin time.

'I told you, I'm not going anywhere.'

'Dean, tell him.' Bobby ordered.

Both of us looked at my brother who closed his eyes and sighed. 'Both of you go back to bed. I'm fine.'

'I'm staying here.' I said.

'No, you're not. Both of you need your sleep.' Bobby said. 'What is staying in here going to prove?'

'I knew this would happen.' Dean mumbled to himself. 'Was just a matter of time.'

'Umm, that I'm not going to leave him alone.' I told my surrogate-and-infuriating-father.

'Not that it was a long time.' My brother continued. 'What was it? Like a day?'

I had no idea what Dean was talking about, so I glared at Bobby who told me 'He needs his sleep and so do you,' again. Parrot.

'He can sleep. And when he does and he's not dreaming, then I will too.' I said simply. 'Not before.'

'Just like old times.' Dean went on to himself I think. Couldn't be sure. 'Awesome.'

'You can be a stubborn little git sometimes Sam.'

'And so can you.'

'Guys, enough!' Dean exclaimed. He was right, this wasn't fair on him. He didn't need us arguing over the top of him even if the old man was plain wrong and bossy and …annoying. 'Name calling?' he said to Bobby. 'You're kidding me right?'

With a surrending huff, Bobby's shoulders deflated. 'You sure you're okay?"

'Yes, I'm fine. It was just a bad dream. No big deal.'

'So you're fine to deal with this?'

'This?' I scoffed at Bobby. 'I'm a "_this"_ now am I?'

'Sam, stop! Bobby, go to bed. Goodnight.' Dean rolled his eyes, waited for Bobby to say goodnight back and then glared at me – just like he used to when I was a teenager. 'Really?'

'What?'

The least he could do was take my side.

_(To be continued…)_


	25. Chapter 25

_**Final Chapter guys. **_

**Chapter 25**

_**Dean**_

Sam was lying on the floor of my shiny new bedroom without a freaking pillow, t-shirt or blankets anywhere near him; sound asleep. Was he kidding? It was freezing. My choices were to wake him up or get him comfortable. I chose the latter so I could talk to Bobby before my brother rose. I'd had an epiphany during the early hours of the morning and I wanted to talk it through with the old man as soon as I could.

When I raised his neck and slipped my pillow under his head, I expected him to rustle. Nothing. Throwing my blanket over him didn't create any movement either. He used to be such a light sleeper, but now I feared the horrors in his mind might be holding on too tight in his sleep.

I stepped over him and yawned as I padded down the stairs. That massive headache still hadn't left me so instead of hitting up the fridge first thing, the second drawer filled with all kinds of papers and aspirin took my attention.

'I thought I heard someone.' Bobby greeted coming from the back door behind me. 'You still got that headache?'

'Yeah.' I turned on the faucet and grabbed a glass from the dish drainer on the sink. Another three pills should at least dull it.

'Go easy on them. That's your sixth now.'

'Yes dad.' I said as I swallowed them all at once. He didn't answer so I turned and saw him for the first time that day. He looked as tired as I did. 'Speaking of…' I said as he sat down.

'I know what you're going to say. I blew it last night. I know I did.'

'It's not that.' I took a seat at the table opposite him and checked behind me for any signs of Sam before continuing. 'I think I've worked it out.'

He frowned and shook his head. 'Worked what out?'

'What's going down with Sam.'

'Trauma? Post traumatic stress disorder of the worst kind?'

'No I mean his behavior…and yours.'

'Mine? I've just been doing what I always do.' When my expression told him I thought otherwise, he continued. 'We talked about why I wanted to get him into a routine.'

'It's not that.'

'Then what?'

'Think about it Bobby. I mean, last night; that was classic Sammy.'

'Right…'

'Before…' I took another sip of my water and went on. '…hell, before all this Ruby stuff, Lilith stuff, the apocalypse, me leaving him…before dad died even. Last night just reminded me of when we were growing up. It was Sam and dad all over again.'

'And I was John.'

'You were dad. You know, you've been dad the minute you guys stepped into this house, even a bit before and I just think Sammy's reverted right back to that place.'

I watched him raise his eyebrows. 'Okay.' He sat back disappointed in himself, 'But that wasn't my intention. I just wanted to get him his control back. Get him to stand on his own two feet.'

'Yeah I know but it runs deeper than that.'

'Keep going then.'

'Sammy's always wanted to feel safe right? And never has.'

'I'd agree with that.'

'Okay. So what if he's going back to the time he felt the safest? You know growing up, he always had either dad or I there to protect him; sometimes both of us. It's like mentally he is reaching for that again or something. One minute he's an adult, then he reverts to a kid but mostly…mostly he just reminds me of teenage Sam when he knew about all the bad stuff but was protected anyway.'

'Okay.'

'And he's always had that rebellious streak in him. I mean one second he'd be obeying dad like he didn't have a problem in the world. Full of "Yes sirs, no sirs, three bags full sirs" then the next he'd be all kinds of bitter and twisted over being told what to do. You remember.'

'I do.'

'I think in a way his mind is trying to disconnect and detach from where he's been, what we've all seen and done and he's trying to get back to simpler times.'

'Who would've thought those were simpler times?' He managed a short laugh.

'Not Sammy, not back then anyway. Now – now we know they were.'

'So you think he's trying to forget?'

'I think he's trying to feel safe.' I wondered how I could phrase this nicer, but came up with nothing so just said it. 'I think you acting like dad triggered it.'

'I turned into John Winchester and John Winchester's son responded the only way he knows how.' He said blankly considering what I was saying.

'Pretty much.' I sat back, 'But you want to know what I want to know?'

'What?

'Why you turned into John Winchester. I mean Sammy I get, but last night; that wasn't you. What's going on?' When he frowned I sat forward and said 'Apart from the whole control and routine thing. Why'd you lose it? Why'd you not want him in my room?'

'For his own good. He can't cope with seeing you suffer Dean. He can't have that on his shoulders as well as everything else. He can't do it. He's probably already feeling as guilty as hell for you leaving Lisa. The last thing I thought he needed was to see you like that and feel even more powerless.'

'Anything about you wanting to feel powerful?'

'What? No. Of course not.'

'I've been thinking about that too.'

'Did you sleep at all?'

'I must've. Sammy's asleep on my floor and I never even knew.'

'Stupid kid.' He huffed and sighed.

'You know, losing Sam was the worst thing that could've happened to me and it happened. Losing me was the worst thing that could've happened to him – and it happened.' I paused for affect. I had to get through to him to change things. 'What was the worst thing that could've happened to you?'

I lost him. He stood up and pushed the chair in. I'd hit the nail on the head. 'Losing us right? Bobby you lost both of us.'

'Dean. This is about Sam, not me. If you want to talk about him I'm all for it but there's nothing else we need to discuss.'

'You're holding onto him for dear life. It's not that you want to control him, you want to control life. You know more than anyone, you can't do that.'

'Dean don't.'

'You didn't want me to come because I'd get in the way of that.'

'I didn't want you to come,' he said pushing both of his hands on the top of the chair and leaning into me, 'because you boys need to learn how to survive without each other. You're right I have lost both of you and I have seen what happens when one is gone. Nothin' good, let me tell you. What if it happens again Dean? God knows it probably will, it always does. What happens if Sam loses you again?'

I didn't answer because I couldn't.

'And what happens if you lose Sam? I mean, God, I want you boys close. I love that about you but you're so dependent on each other; too dependent and that scares the hell out of me. One without the other won't make it. That's not healthy. Not with the risks – not with the odds against us at every turn.'

'Bobby,' I started, 'We're all we have left.'

'Yeah. That was true before Lisa and Ben.'

'Oh God.' I rolled my eyes not wanting to hear this.

'But you had a chance Dean. Tell me what was so damn wrong with keeping in contact over the phone or some weekend visits? As much as I'm trying to look after Sam here, I'm doing the same for you.'

'Do you not remember the late night phone calls? Do you not remember why you came to visit in the first place? You think Lisa and Ben gave me instant happiness. That wasn't me being happy Bobby.'

'Now Sam is back, it could have been. If you just gave it a chance.'

'You're wrong. Sam being in the condition he is, I could never leave him and be 'happy' with someone else. It's not in me Bobby. It's just not in me.'

'What about when he gets better? What then?'

'Lisa asked me the same thing.'

'She had a point.'

'Day by day. We have to take this step by step. All I want is for Sam to be okay.'

'He may never be okay.'

'He will be as long as I'm around.'

'And if you aren't?'

'Then he has you.'

It was his turn to swallow. 'For how long? You know Crowley is still holding onto my contract. What happens to Sam if something happens to you and my number comes up?'

Uh okay. 'You're freaking out about that. We'll fix that. You mark my words.'

He ignored me. 'You boys need to learn to live and go it alone, not fall in a heap. That's all I want.'

'So okay, you and I will get him there.'

'And what about you?'

'I'll get there. Bobby, right now - today we can all live together and help each other. Let's just do that and not fight it. Not think of 'what ifs' all the time.'

'It's too hard not to.'

'I know, but day by day right? And today we're all here.'

'It's tomorrow I'm worried about.'

'Tomorrow – if we do this right – we should be in a better place to handle things.'

'Since when?'

'Since we're out of it.'

'We're never going to be out of it.'

'No. We're never going back into it.'

He nodded but he didn't believe me, not for a second. Yes, it freaked me because God knew he could be right but as far as I was concerned, right now, we were never going back into it and that was that.

'You need to open your eyes Dean. If you think it's all rainbows and sunshine from here on in you're fooling yourself. '

'I don't think that.'

'No, you're hoping for it and that could be worse.'

'Back to Sam.'

'What do you want to do?'

_**Sam**_

I was so proud of myself. When I woke up to find Dean not in his bed I didn't have a full on panic attack. My first thought, I admit was that something was wrong but when I sat up in a sweat and felt the blanket on top of me, I knew he had covered me with it and was probably just simply downstairs.

So that's where I headed hoping for a monumental mug of coffee. Even though I was still pissed at Bobby, I half smiled at him and then said 'Hello' to my brother. It was obvious I interrupted something and assumed it was about me so snatched out a chair and sat down. The last thing I needed was for Dean to get influenced by Bobby and his latest attitude.

'Next time you want to sleep on my floor,' Dean said to me, 'BYO blankets and pillows got it?'

'Okay.' He seemed pissed. Maybe I was too late and Bobby had already gotten all his arguments in and now they both wanted to kick my ass.

'Want a coffee?' Bobby smiled at me.

'Yeah. Thanks.'

'Look Sam – ' he said remaining still. Here we go. 'I'm sorry about last night. I was trying to protect you but I went about it the wrong way.'

Okay so that took me back.

'I shouldn't have acted like your father.' He looked at Dean who nodded while I frowned. What the hell was going on? And why did hearing that mess with my insides in weird ways. 'It won't happen again.'

'Whoa.' I looked at Dean because he seemed to be in on this as well. 'What's dad got to do with this?'

'Well…' As he told me his thoughts I could only blink at him. For one, I actually couldn't believe how upfront he was being with me. It felt like it was a conversation I shouldn't be a part of and I was surprised they were including me in it. Secondly, I was 'reverting'? Really? Was I? And I was supplementing Bobby for dad. I didn't think so but I continued to listen…until maybe I thought I might be. Thirdly, when they told me they were going to treat me like an adult and it was important for me to act like one; I nodded not sure on how exactly to do that. I thought I was already. But then they told me they would help me and I smiled because I didn't know what else to do.

'So what are your thoughts on all of that?' Dean asked me, pushing his water away for the coffee Bobby was pushing towards him.

'Sounds good?'

'You don't sound so sure.' Dean gave a laugh. 'It's okay; we're not going to leave you hanging. We just wanted to tell you what we think and get your thoughts on it too. We're here to help buddy.'

Maybe the caffeine would wake me up a bit. This was kind of intense to take on first thing in the morning – well – at eleven A.M. anyway.

'You feel safe here Sam?' Dean questioned, 'Safer here in this house than say a motel room?'

'Yeah.' I nodded. 'Definitely.' This was like a home to me. No other place would ever feel as safe to me.

I waited for his next question.

'When do you feel your safest?'

'Here.' I thought I just answered that.

'No, really think about that. Sam, when you do feel your safest?'

I really thought about it like he said, really tapped deep into my mind but the answer was simple really. 'When I'm with you and dad-umm, Bobby.' Oh God. I glanced up to Bobby who smiled supportively at me. 'I'm sorry, I meant you.' And then saying that I felt guilty to my dad.

'You meant your dad too and there's nothing wrong with that.' He said.

Shutting my eyes didn't shift the shame I felt – both to Bobby and to dad. Dad was my dad but Bobby had done and been so much to us. I loved him like a father. I honestly did.

'Dude, hey.' I needed more coffee before I could answer another one of Dean's questions. As I gulped it, it burnt my throat but I made sure I didn't cringe. 'We're just talking. You didn't say anything wrong.'

Bobby sat next to us with a packet of biscuits and handed one to me. 'Bobby, you know –'

'I know.' He said and his eyes told me he did. He got how I felt. Thank God. And he stopped me saying the words that would no doubt hurt my father if he heard them. Thank God.

Waiting for Dean to continue felt kind of strange and a little awkward. Never had I been used to him leading and steering a conversation this deep before. I was a little nervous to hear what was coming next.

'It's okay to be scared.' He said making me finger a dint in Bobby's table. I thought about taking a bite from the biscuit but now suddenly lost my appetite. 'You're not alone in that. We all are.'

'All the time.' Bobby finished for him. 'Dean and I were just talking about it. After everything we've all been through, it's normal to be scared Sam.'

'You have to remember that' Dean took over. 'You're not on an island all by yourself going through this. I mean we've all gone through our own personal experiences but they're all …'

'…intertwined' Bobby finished for him.

'Yeah intertwined.'

I nodded and smiled. Outside looked welcoming. Big open air, breeze blowing, room to breathe.

'You had enough?'

Again I could only nod at my brother. I appreciated what they were trying to do, I did. More than anything and I would take it on. With everything I had. Right now though, I just had to go out the front.

'I'll make you some toast. You want some toast?' Bobby asked me.

'No thanks. Can I go for a walk?' I asked him.

Bobby looked at Dean. Dean looked at me. I looked at Dean.

'Adult Sam.'

'I'm going for a walk?' I said to him.

'Take your phone.' Dean said a little too fast causing me to laugh. Causing all of us to laugh. He was right; they were all as terrified as I was even if it was in different ways.

When I walked I thought. Went through every word they said to me. It made sense and who knew me better than my brother? He saw things in me that I never would, just like I saw things in him he'd be stunned to know. We'd been through it all; me and him…and Bobby. Things other people couldn't even imagine and death never seemed to be the end of it. We had to keep going and keep going through it. We had to keep coping and cope with everything that went with it. To hell and back, suffering intense and murderous loss and pain and torture the average mind couldn't ever comprehend.

We had a choice; beat it or let it beat us. Right now it was beating me but it had beaten all of us at one time or another. Lucifer might hold me prisoner in my head at times, I might even freak out on days that are worse than others, but as long as I had my brother and Bobby – as long as I dug down and found my inner strength to pull myself back up and hold onto my brothers shoulders when he lifted me, I would be okay. I would be. No one was a match for my brother and I – the Winchester brothers – not even the devil himself. I always had to keep that with me. Hold it close to my chest. My brother Dean, the one that basically raised me and gave his life for me; how could I ever not have faith in everything he was?

I had changed but I had to change some more; even had to get most of the old me back. Dean had changed; he'd gotten deeper and more expressive. He acted on his feelings rather than buried them and I was so proud of him for that. It was a greatest wish of mine and he'd gotten there - maybe because of his time with Lisa and Ben - but also maybe through his suffering. He'd come through stronger. That made me smile.

Bobby was Bobby but as Bobby said he was scared as well. Even at his stage of life he was still learning and relearning, going through things he shouldn't be going through but coming out fighting, helping, saving.

_The things that change us…_

'Hold up Sam,' I turned to find my brother jogging up to me. 'Want some company?'

I smiled and nodded, placing a hand on his back.

_And the things that don't. _

The End.

_I made it! Before the Season 6 Premiere! This story could have gone on forever. I love these boys and loved writing this. I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for reading…and to all the reviewers I've come to adore; I can't thank you enough. I already miss you guys!_

_Not long until our show and boys are back! Let's hope Season 6 is the best one yet!_

_Enjoy the premiere everyone :)_


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